Red Sails At 40,000 Feet

DuQuoine State Fair Day 6

My phone doesn't work here, if any of you need me or just want to say hi, call 618-549-6900, rm. 203

Free t-shirts are a big deal in DuQuoine, IL

I've always gotten free t-shirts since I was five when my Mom met my Step-Dad, who's been color-separating Commercial Art for a-while years. So for me free t-shirts are things you have to contemplate throwing away every year, and as I enter my mid-thirties, things you have to contemplate throwing away every few months. I think I'm going to start taking shirts that I can't bring myself to throw away on roadtrips, and take pictures of them on strangers in strange places. Then throw the shirt away and frame the print. Whenever you can clean out your closet and simultaneously creat a gallery of art, always a good day.

Unique, Shitty Heat
It rains every day. The Fair has turned into one big mudpit. The two sunny days were the hottests, wettest, grossest days I've ever lived through since I left Lewisburg, OH.

The amazing thing about Southern Ohio/Illinois/Indiana and Kentucky as a whole is it has this unique, shitty heat. It's 98 degrees and then it rains for just long enough to not cool anything down, but long enough to create wet grass which who's water can slowly evaporate over the next 24 hours when it rains again, but not too much, making it wet and 98 all the time.

Stop Being A Cliche

These honest, hardworking folk get one bone thrown to them and it can't stop raining. Hey, easier for me, less peeps. Less dumb peeps. I have encountered some of the dumbest people you will ever encounter. It's really astounding, even for me. I'm such a liberal and I grew up in a very similar area, so I try not to shake my head at some of the cliches that walk up, I try to say to myself, "hey, the guy grew up economically poor, give him a break, lay off.." but all I can think is "Jesus, this is the stupidest man I've ever talked to." I say "do you want to try and hit a hole-in-one?" ...stare... "do you want to try and hit a hole-in-one?" ...stare... ... ... "yeahhhhhh I guess...", that's at least a third of my interactions. There's a terseness with which the rural ask their questions too. "HOWSIS WORK?!" ah!, you scared me there with your inquiry. "ZIS FREE?!" is a common question.

But in the same way that you can't really encompass the pastiche of life in the city by conjuring a general "city person" you can't encompass the rural community with such a label, there are hundreds of variations and strata. There's the middle-class rural, the upper middle-class rural, the simply simple, the good-ol'-boy, bubba overalls, bubble simple overalls, the harley guy, the retarded, the borderline stupid/retarded, the burnout, the loser, and the losers from the midway who won't leave me alone. Yes you can putt, see you in an hour. Most people are enjoying the hell out of this fair (when it's not raining) and happy doesn't begin to describe most people I meet, they laugh and joke and give each other shit. They're happy in a way that many city-types aren't...or are, but just not me.

All of them are religious. I don't know if that strengthens the case for religion.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto

We may not even be in Illinois anymore, Abba.

Did I just drive from 1:30am until 10:00am and then work from 10 to 8? Yes I did. As I write to you I am in a decidedly different hotel room in a decidedly different town as I'm working at a decidedly different fair.

It all started Friday night.

Schadenfreude put on a show of it's vintage "canon" at the Playground (the first place we ever performed, long before The Playground would call Halsted or Lincoln avenue home). Monty Python had "the Parrot sketch" and "The Lumberjack Song", The Kids In The Hall had "Reg" and "The Chicken Lady." We've got "Crazy Pants", "Sign Language," and "Raffi." It took us two solid years of performing to figure out what worked and what worked for us. The running order we put up Friday Night was what we had after those first two years. We took that running order to L.A., New York, Scotland. So, doing the show Friday night was the perfect storm of nostalgia and I must admit to getting a little emotional during some of them.

Of course, the fact that I'm moving adds exponentially to how I felt doing that show.

I'm very torn emotionally about the whole thing. I didn't love movies so much, making them so much. If I didn't love the politics of movie making, the creative process, the troubles you have to navigate, the egos you have to deal with, the neverending stream of problems that need to be solved during production and the pure buzz of creativity. If I didn't love all of that so much and want that to be my life until I die, I'd find it impossible to balance out ten years in the comedy community in Chicago on the other side of the scale.

I still can' believe I'm leaving, it's very weird, and we didn't put up a running order of favorites as some sort of going-away gift to me, but it was perfectly timed to revisit some long-past Schadenfreude history. Doing those sketches brings back a lot of memories. We haven't done a stage sketch review in forever, we went to radio and then our current in-mic stage setup, which I love, I love that we've evolved and our current act is more versatile and if we wanted to, we could put together a run that wouldn't be beholden to theatres and lighting plots but could play in concert venues anywhere in the U.S. Someday that tour will probably happen. The group's not going anywhere, I am.

Revisiting our classic sketches was, as everything seems to be for the last few months, a moment of perspective. Doing the same moves that we did 6 years ago, having done them then, and to be doing them now is an overwhelming sense of persepctive. I remember the kid who wrote the Uncle Sam sketch (during the Serbian conflict) and what he thought was funny and why he wrote what he wrote because he was who he was. Now I'm me, now, doing it again. We've had a crazy journey together, this Schad crew. Hung out long enough afterwards to talk to James Joseph and Andrew James, always a pleasure, and then...

Into the Promo Van

For my midnight ride...at 1:30. I'm amazed I made it, I hadn't had a nap as I intended to, so I was tired as hell. I took two or three fifteen-minute naps along the way but I made it to the DuQuoin State Fairgrounds around 10:30, ready to put in a full day of explaining how to putt. Ever been to DuQuoin? It's near DeSoto, which is near Tungsten Junction, sorry Bismuth Springs, sorry, Osmium Falls. I never get tired of that bit. By the way, Osmium is the world's heaviest element, Osmium Falls isn't just funny, it's Galileo Players funny.

What I listened To On The Way Down

Wolfmother, or what would happen if The Darkness and Led Zeppelin fucked.
The Commentary Track from One From The Heart, Francis Ford Coppola
The Teaching Company, Great Lectures Audio Series: A History of Science 1700-1900 and The Other 1492, Spain Under Ferdinand and Isabella, I've got a good excuse for that last one.
Audiobook: The Operator: David Geffen Builds, Buys, and Sells the New Hollywood, I only got up to 1972, I hope this David Crosby, Stephen Stills, Graham Nash collaboration works out. And I hope they find a name!
The Penn Jillette Show, my new favorite talk show. Penn is one of my favorite people, and his book How To Play With Your Food is on my all-time top 10 books, available on podcast from iTunes
Sam & Jim go To Hollywood, great podcast chronicling the lives of two Minnesota Restauranteurs who gave up their lives and moved to Hollywood to become writers.

That's right, I'm a nerd, an educated one. Want to know how we REALLY discovered electricity?

"We always have coffee brewing, 24 hours a day

So I get done with my 10 hour shift after the 7 hour drive after the hour-long show after the regular-length day and I drive to what I expect to be another fleatrap. But I don't care, I'm willing to enjoy the hell our of every spring that digs into my back as I sink into the center of the 30 year-old-mattress. But I got something shockingly different.

The lobby looks like a lobby, a nice one. TV, Fireplace, I note by glancing down the hallway that the pool is inside. The guy at the counter is busy so I wander around. Coffee!, godbless them they have coffee in the lobby, but god knows when it was brewed, but I really don't care. I brought my coffee back to the counter and asked if it was okay if I have a cup (holding up the cup I already have). I asked if the decanters were for some event. He says "oh no, we have coffee available in the lobby 24 hours a day." Is this heaven? I'm a terrible cliche, I'm a writer who doesn't watch tv and drinks nothing but coffee all day.

But the coffee was no fluke

This is the bourgeous life I'd always hoped for.


Is that a lap-thingy on the bed? I believe it is.


What's this? The door doesn't hit the toilet?


More coffee a-cup-at-a-time?


Are those bottles of shampoo and conditioner thin and attractive like Keira Knightley?

I believe they are.


My view.

Next: Where the fuck is DuQuoin and what the fuck do they do here once a year????

Kooky Krazy War-On-Terror Trivia!

I know we're all outraged on a daily basis, but I like seeing it all written out in a row for perspective. It gives me a true understanding of why we had to impeach Clinton and bring responsibility back to Washington. (funfax courtesy of Jim Hightower)

The War President

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
-George W., August 2004

Number of Americans killed in Bush's Iraq war as of August 2006: 2577

What Bush press flack Tony Snow said the day the total number of American dead reached 2,500: "It's a number"

Number of Americans killed since Bush declared "Mission Accomplished" on May 1, 2003: 2,438

Number of Americans wounded (a vague term that includes such horrors as brain damage, limb blasted off, eyes blown out, psyche shattered, etc.) in Bush's war:

Official count: 18,777

Independent count: up to 48,000

Estimated number of Iraqi civilians (men, women, and children) killed in Bush's war since Saddam Hussein was ousted: 38,960

For Iraqis, the bloodiest month of the war so far: June 2006

more than 100 civilians killed per day

Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmit's advice to Iraqis who see TV reports of innocent civilians being killed by occupying troops: "Change the channel."

Percent of Iraqis who want American troops to leave: 82

Stockpiles of Weapons of Mass Destruction found in Iraq since Bush committed Americans to war in 2003 on the basis that Saddam had and was about to use WMDs: 0

Number of nations in the world: 192

Number that joined Bush's "Coalition of the Willing" (COW) to invade Iraq: 48

(The list includes such military powers as Angola, El Salvador, Eritrea, Estonia, Latvia, Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Palau, Romania, Solomon Islands, and Uganda.)

Number of COW nations that actually sent any troops to Iraq: 39

(Of these, 32 sent fewer than 1,000 troops. Many sent no fighting units, deploying only engineers, trainers, humanitarian units, and other noncombat personnel.)

Number of the 39 COW nations contributing troops that have since withdrawn them: 17
(An additional 7 have announced plans to withdraw all or part of their contingents this year.)

Number of COW troops in Iraq: 150,000

Number of these that are U.S. troops: 139,000

Number of White House officials and cabinet members who have any of their immediate family in Bush's war: 0

Follow the Money

We're dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction, and relatively soon."
-"Howling Paul" Wolfowitz, Deputy Defense Secretary, in testimony to Congress, March 2003

The official White House claim before the invasion of what the war and occupation would cost U.S. taxpayers: $50 billion

As of July 2006, the total amount appropriated by Congress for Bush's ongoing war and occupation: $295,634,921,248

Current Pentagon spending per month in Iraq: $8 billion (or $185,185.19 per minute)

Assuming all troops return home by 2010, the projected "real costs" for the war: More than $1 trillion
(includes veterans' pay and medical costs, interest on the billions Bush has borrowed to pay for his war, etc.)

Annual salary of Stuart Baker, hired by the Bushites to be the White House "Director for Lessons Learned": $106,641

Number of lessons that Bush appears to have learned: 0

The Imperial Presidency

"I'm the commander - see, I don't need to explain - I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the president. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation."
George W., August, 2002.

Signing Statements

When signing a particular congressional act into law, a few presidents have occasionally issued a "signing statement" to clarify their understanding of what Congress intended. These have not had the force of law and have been used discreetly in the past.

Very quietly, however, Bush has radically increased both the number and reach of these statements, essentially asserting that the president can arbitrarily decide which laws he will obey.

Number of signing statements issued by Bush as of July 2006: more than 800
(This is more than the combined total of all 42 previous presidents.)

A few examples of congressionally passed laws he has effectively annulled through these extralegal signing statements:

a ban against torture of prisoners by the U.S. military

a requirement that the FBI periodically report to Congress on how it is using the Patriot Act to search our homes and secretly seize people's private papers

a ban against storage in military databases of intelligence about Americans that was obtained illegally

a directive for the executive branch to transmit scientific information to Congress "uncensored and without delay" when requested

Provision of the Constitution clearly stating that Congress alone has the power "to make all laws": Article 1, Section 8

Provision of the Constitution clearly stating that the president "shall take care that the laws be faithfully executed": Article 2, Section 3

Name of the young lawyer in the Reagan administration who wrote a 1986 strategy memo on how to pervert the use of signing statements in order to concentrate more power in the executive branch, as Bush is now doing: Samuel Alito, named to the U.S. Supreme Court by Bush this year

National Security Letters

These are secret executive writs that the infamous 2001 Patriot Act authorizes the FBI to issue to public libraries, internet firms, banks, and others. Upon receiving an NSL, the institution or firm is required to turn over any private records it holds on you, me, or whomever the agents have chosen to search.

Who authorizes the FBI to issue these secret writs? The FBI itself.

Surely the agents have to get a search warrant, a grand jury subpoena, or a court's approval? No

But to issue an NSL, an agent must show probable cause that the person being searched has committed some crime, right? No

Well, don't officials have to inform citizens that their records are being seized so they can defend themselves or protest? No

Number of NSLs issued by various FBI offices last year alone: 9,254

NSA Eavesdropping

In 2001, Bush issued a secret order for the National Security Agency to begin vacuuming up massive numbers of telephone and internet exchanges by U.S. citizens, illegally seizing this material without any judicial approval or informing Congress, as required by law.

Number of Americans who have had their phone and internet communications taken by NSA: Just about everyone!
(NSA is tapping into the entire database of long-distance calls and internet messages run through AT&T and probably other companies as well.)

In May of this year, the Justice Department abruptly halted an internal investigation that was trying to uncover the name of the top officials who had authorized NSA's warrantless, unconstitutional program. Who killed this probe, which was requested by Congress? George W himself! (He directed NSA simply to refuse security clearances for the department's legal investigators.)

What happened to NSA Director Michael Hayden, who was the key architect of Bush's illegal eavesdropping program and the one who would've formally denied clearances to Justice Department investigators? In May, Bush promoted him to head the CIA.

This past May, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales warned that journalists who report on NSA's spy program could be prosecuted under the antiquated Espionage Act of 1917.

Times in U.S. history this act has been used to go after the press: 0

Margin by which the U.S. House in 1917 voted down an amendment to make the Espionage Act apply to journalists: 184-144

Interesting Fact:

The New York Times reported this June that Bush was running another spy program. This one was snooping through international banking records, including millions of bank transactions done by innocent Americans. George reacted angrily to the exposure, branding the Times report "disgraceful" and declaring that revelation of his spy program "does great harm to the United States." The White House and its right-wing acolytes promptly launched a "Hate-the-Times" political campaign.

Name the guy who was the first to reveal that such a bank-spying program was in the works: George W. Bush! At a September 2001 press conference, he announced that he'd just signed an executive order to monitor all international bank transactions.

Watch Lists

From the Bushites' ill-fated Total Information Awareness program (meant to monitor all of our computerized transactions) to the robust efforts by Rumsfeld's Pentagon to barge into the domestic surveillance game, America under Bush has fast become "The Watched Society."

Number of data-mining programs being run secretly on us by the federal government: Nearly 200 separate programs at 52 agencies

Number of "local activity reports" submitted to the Pentagon in 2004 under the "Threat and Local Observation Notice" program (TALON), which directed military officers throughout our country to keep an eye on suspicious activities by civilians: More than 5,000 (They included such "threats" as peace demonstrators and 10 activists protesting outside Halliburton's headquarters.)

Number of official "watch lists" maintained by the feds: More than a dozen run by 9 different agencies

Number of Americans on the Transportation Security Administration's "No- Fly" list: That's a secret.
(TSA concedes that it's in the tens of thousands. In 2005 alone, some 30,000 people called TSA to complain that their names were mistakenly on the list.)

Most famous citizen who is on the No-Fly list and has been repeatedly pulled aside by TSA for additional screenings at airports: Sen. Ted Kennedy

How can you get your name removed from TSA list? That's a secret.

Name That Guy!

In 1966, a young Republican congressman stood against his party's elders to cosponsor the original Freedom of Information Act, valiantly declaring that public records "are public property." He said that FOIA "will make it considerably more difficult for secrecy-minded bureaucrats to decide arbitrarily that the people should be denied access to information on the conduct of government."

Who was that virtuous lawmaker? Donald Rumsfeld!

Only eight years later, Gerald Ford's chief of staff strongly urged him to veto the continuation of FOIA. Who was that dastardly staffer? Donald Rumsfeld!

Who is now one of the chief "secrecy-minded bureaucrats" who routinely violates OIA's principles? Right, him again!

Regime of Secrecy

"Democracies die behind closed doors."
- Appeals court judge Damon Keith, ruling in a 2002 case that the Bushites cannot hold deportation hearings in secret

Increase in the number of government documents marked "secret" between 2001 and 2004: 81 percent

Number of government documents stamped "secret" in 2001: 8.6 million

Number of government documents stamped "secret" in 2004: 15.6 million (a new record)

Cost to taxpayers of classifying and securing documents in 2004: $7.2 billion ($460 per document)

Number of previously declassified documents that the CIA tried to reclassify as "secret" under a 2001 secret agreement with the National Archives, even though many had already been published and some date back to the Korean War: 25,315

Number of different "official designations" the government now has to classify nonsecret information so it still is kept out of the public's reach: Between 50 and 60 (They include such stamps as CBU: Controlled But Unclassified, SBU: Sensitive But Unclassified, and LOU: Limited Official Use Only.)

The only vice-president in history who has claimed that he, like the president, has the inherent authority to mark "secret" on any document he chooses: "Buckshot" Cheney

Number of documents Cheney has classified: That's a secret. (He claims he does not have to report this to anyone -- not even the president.)

Of the 7,045 advisory committee meetings held by the Bushites in 2004, percentage that were completely closed to the public, contrary to the clear intent of the Federal Advisory Committee Act: 64 percent (a new record)

Number of times from 1953 to1975 (the peak of the Cold War) that presidents invoked the "state secrets" privilege, which grants them unilateral power in extraordinary instances literally to shut down court cases on the grounds they could reveal secrets that the president doesn't want disclosed: 4

Number of times the same privilege was invoked between 2001 and 2006: At least 24

Under Clinton, Attorney General Janet Reno issued an official memo instructing agencies to release as much information as possible to the public. In October 2001, AG John Ashcroft issued a memo canceling Reno's approach, expressly instructing agencies to look for reasons to deny the public access to information and pledging to support the denials if the agencies were sued.

2005 FOIA requests still awaiting a response at year's end: 31 percent (a one-third increase over the 2004 backlog)

Median waiting time to get an answer on FOIA request from Bush's justice department: 863 days

Halliburton

"Halliburton is a unique kind of company."
- Dick Cheney, September 2003

Total value of contracts given to Halliburton for work in the Bush-Cheney "War on Terror" since 2001: More than $15 billion

Amount that Halliburton pays to the Third World laborers it imports into Iraq to do the work in its dining facilities, laundries, etc.: $6 per 12-hour day (50 cents an hour)

Amount that Halliburton bills us taxpayers for each of these workers: $50 a day

Amount that Halliburton bills U.S. taxpayers for:

A case of sodas: $45

Washing a bag of laundry: $100

Halliburton's campaign contributions in Bush-Cheney election years:
In 2000: $285,252 (96 percent to Republicans)
In 2004: $145,500 (89 percent to Republicans)
Plus $365,065 from members of its board of directors (99 percent to Republicans)

Increase in Halliburton's profits since Bush-Cheney took office in 2000: 379 percent

Halliburton's 2005 profit: $1.1 billion (highest in the corporation's 86-year history)

"Since leaving Halliburton to become George Bush's vice-president, I've severed all of my ties with the company, gotten rid of all my financial interest. I have no financial interest in Halliburton of any kind."
Former CEO Dick Cheney, Meet the Press, September 2003

Annual payments that Cheney has received from Halliburton since he's been vice-president:
2001: $205,298
2002: $162,392
2003: $178,437
2004: $194,852
2005: $211,465

Cash bonus paid to Cheney by Halliburton just before he took office: $1.4 million

Retirement package he was given in 2000 after only 5 years as CEO: $20 million

Number of times in the past two years that Republicans have killed Sen. Byron Dorgan's amendment to set up a Truman-style committee on war profiteering to investigate Halliburton: 3

Naughty word Cheney used during a Senate photo session in 2004 to assail Sen. Patrick Leahy, who had criticized Cheney's ongoing ties to Halliburton: "Go #@!% yourself.

Whatever Happened to that Iraq War?

Remember the Iraq War? I was a big fan first season, I guess it was ll the pre-season hype. I've never seen a show more hyped. I thought with all that hype it couldn't possibly live up to it. But when it finally aired it definitely lived up, the first episode, Shock and Awe, was a real blockbuster, I just couldn't believe the production value, and the tension, could we beat this threat or was America going to end? The stakes were high but I must admit I cheered when victory was declared at the end of season 1. Damn good tv, as sequels go.

And then it dissappeared. I know it was renewed, I heard alot about it staying on, some people were vehement that it stay on. I assumed it went to cable, but now I'm in a hotel with Cable now and I can't find the war anywhere? Was it cancelled? If it was cancelled why is my friend Tommy still on the production crew? The networks used to love talking about this show, and they don't now. I haven't seen one night-vision shot of an explosion in two years. I'm going to go check Netflix, maybe I can find the season 3 box and get caught up.

The Hotel Is Empty

The hotel is empty.



The skylifts are empty.



The Tilt-a-whirl has been packed up.

The Illinois State Fair: A Look Back In Pictures

Short-Haired Chick Day 10 in Springfield

Live from the Denny's across the street from the Days Inn in Springfield, Illinois



it's Short-Haired Chick Day 10 in Springfield.



Dude, I don't even know what a Friday is, all I know is I spent all day explaining Plinko to idiots.



There are a lot of retarded people at this Fair. You spend a lot of time explaining in general, like explaining why there's Whack-A-Mole in the Lotto booth. But when the retarded people come in I have fun poorly explaining the concept and having them nod in understanding. You can explain the concept of soup while they're holding the Basketball and they'll just nod and start throwing the ball. "Have at it buddy, hope you win."



I popped back into Chicago for Friday Nights show, which, according to many in attendance was our best so far, which it didn't feel like to me. I felt out of it since I'd been out of town for the creation of the show. I truly was in a guest spot, which I guess I'll have to get used to. I did basically solo stuff because it's easier to stick in the show. I felt like the Eric Idle of Schadenfreude. Hey guys I promise I won't bully you into the musical rights in 30 years.



I'm loving my little neighborhood here in Springfield. My little Lady In The Water community in my complex, above, below, and across the way. And due to my antisocial behavior they are all woefully undeveloped just like the characters in Lady In The Water. And then there's my two neighborhood haunts, the Circle K and the Denny's across the street.

Great thing about being in a Denny's is you know everyone in every other Denny's across the country is just as depressed as you are.
-Drew Carey



So I'm a Manager, I'm ten years older than the rest of my staff and they made me a Manager. I guess if you're doing this work and you're 33 that's what they call you. So I'm the gray-haired white dick who gets called racist because I told the 10 rowdy black kids having a pissing contest with each other over who's the better Pop-a-shot player that they had to leave.







Every night a band plays at the Fairground, tonight was Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows. Which is hilarious, but not as hilarious as hearing the old lotto announcer say "Goo Goo Dolls" every twenty minutes for 10 hours. Actually for the first 6 hours he thought it was one band. "Enter for a drawing to win tickets to see The Counting Crow Goo Goo Dolls." I'd find it difficult to correct anyone on that as all names are fucking stupid. I also missed the combo of Foreigner and Blood, Sweat, and Tears the first night. That would've been interesting to see.



Everything in this scenario I'm living is very funny. Not only am I managing Bobo's and Doyin's next to the Counting Crows Concert but I drive the promo van...everywhere.



It's my only mode of transportation. When you drive the world's most conspicuous vehicle you get a lot of shit yelled at you. "Hey, you got any money?" "Hey you got any winning tickets?" or something. They're all joking, but what really cracks me up is that EVERYBODY says something. I laugh out loud that they're all involved in a bit and they don't know it. So everytime they say "Hey, can I get a ticket." I legitimately crack up and they think they're funny, but all I'm laughing at is the fact that, yet another person said the same thing.

Springfield, Day 9: UPDATED, with pictures

Live from room 225 of the Best Western in Springfield, Illinois...



It's "Do You Know How To Play Plinko?": The Journal of a Booth Manager at The Illinois State Fair.

But before we get started...

Happy Birthday Justin!

August 15th was Justin's birthday. Happy Birthday, JK. Justin and I have had some fun excursions recently that I never wrote about. I'm sure Justin did, unless Nelly did something that day. Schadenfreude got offered a gig through some friends of friends to teach Theatre Camp kids a couple hours of sketchwriting. The whole group was unavailable except for unemployed me and vacation-time-overload-boy Justin, so we headed out to INSERT NAME OF CHICAGO SUBURB THAT I'VE NEVER FAMILIARIZED MYSELF WITH IN A DECADE and got twenty twelve-year-olds to put up sketches. That's where we met the REAL Zoe Dunkel, Kate's overzealous show-tune-singing, cause-supporting, high-school character from our radio show. She had 30 buttons all over her twelve-year-old frilled acid-washed jeans jacket, braces, and yes, she was singing showtunes. Someday we will track her down for Zoe's three-line cameo in Alderman, but until then that will be a thrill that only Justin and I can share in.

If you're a fan of Schadenfreude you will love the cameo's in Alderman. The Zoe joke works even if you don't know Zoe, but anyone who heard the radio show or saw a Rent Party will really bust-up when Zoe shows up for just three lines. You'll also be happy to know the Todd Voorhies grabs five priceless minutes of screentime as well. Also Bernie Casey, as himself.



Since Justin has always been vacation-overload-boy, Justin and I have always had afternoon pow-wow's where we take a day off, get together early, drink some beer and get some writing done. Justin came over last week during the fever pitch that was the last week of writing Schadenfreude's first screenplay, Alderman. Justin and I burned through 80 pages (?...something like that, a lot) in the third-from-the-last revision.

But we didn't always have such aim. Back when Schadenfreude was $5 and a free beer at The Heartland Studio Theatre, I'd go over to Justin's and we'd shoot the shit and if something turned into comedy, it turned into comedy, which became the group's technique. Fuck around, but do it in tight formation.

The best Schadenfreude Show nobody ever saw was for the fifth anniversary of The Playground, who helped us get our start by giving us the Midnight slot at Cafe Ashie in the fucking 1500's. Nobody was around, so Justin and I wrote a fifteen-minute show for ourselves. It was a very raw presentational show full of stunts, randomness, and Justin's brother hog-tied. I also think I did a bit where I pissed myself during a fake improv game.

I'll pull the footage in the screening room.

So Happy Birthday J. I look forward to you burning some of your vacation days writing Phudi Mart with you on Pacific Daylight Time.

Oh, and I got you a birthday gift at the fair, unavailable anywhere, but the fair.

THE FAIR!

Did somebody just segway????

I know, it's written "segue", but I'm not here to flaunt my pedigree. If I write a little fucked up though, forgive me, I've been eating at the Walleye Stop for four-days-straight and I'm retaining mercury.



Boy this makes for such a perfect transition between Chicago and L.A. It's like this perfect job came out of nowhere. I was nervous about moving to L.A. because, well, why wouldn't I be??? Ten years in Chicago, time got away from me. This really is an uprooting, life has a certain rhythm to it, I go here I do this, I do that I do that, I go there and do that. Well now I get this brief trial of a completely different life away from Chicago and the normal machinations of my world. But now I get to go back to the safety and security of my apartment, and then leave, then come back, like dipping my toe into the pool and jumping out. Also, I'm so back to my roots, Springfield is just a big Lewisburg and I'm seeing new versions of the Mike Ballard's and Richard Joneses that I spent so much time with throwing darts to win Twisted Sister mirrors. I feel like I'm taking stock of who I am before I plunge hip-deep into a new influence pool.

But who gives a fuck, right? I've got fair peeps to talk about.

Fair Peeps

The toothless guy is here, the redneck...



the rattail...



The guy running the Cobbler Stop with the "No Fear" tattoo.





No Fear? Hey Buddy, could I get the Blackberry Cobbler with ice cream on top ? I know you won't puss out halfway through.

they're all here, but what're you going to do? Country folk catch such shit for not having all their teeth and being poor and dumb and innocent, but go fuck yourself. Jack Abramoff has all his teeth but I wish him nothing but the worst in prison. Ken Lay showers and wears deodorant but I hope the unlicensed facial reconstructive surgery he's receiving in whatever extradition-less country he bought his way to after his transparently faked "death," goes awry.



Salt-of-the-Earth and thousands more who simply work in rural communities. Things are simpler here, they just don't worry about what we worry about. They don't give a fuck about Pirates of The Carribean's opening weekend draw, and I love that. It's relaxing to just be simple, finding the joy in getting your picture taken with a monkey.

Short-Haired Chick...Monday?

Live from the Days Inn In Springfield, Illinois



It's Short-Haired-Chick...Monday?

So I fucking didn't get to it, geesh.



But what am I going to say about Annie Lennox anyway? Would I lie to you honey? Now would I say somethin' that wasnt' true, I'm askin' you honey would I liiiiiiiie to you? I love singing that song. Annie is kickass, she's never given up on the short-hair, she's fierce, she's independent, and she looks good old. I'd love to picnic with her, talk global politics and then have park-sex.



Meanwhile, I'm in Springfield, IL, living at the Days Inn (which is all Barton Finky weird as a write in my hotel room). I'm working at the State Fair, who could've predicted that five days ago?

This is my flatmate Decklund 5.



Decklund 5 lived on my coffee cup for a few minutes. Decklund 5 showed up after I was working on Alderman at 5am and Decklund 3 crawled across my foot in a perfectly silent hotel room at 5am. Not more than ten minutes later i felt something ticklish on my knee and met Decklund 4. Yes, disgusting. I was as enraged as a sleep-deprived manual laborer can be at 5am as he tries desperately to get the very very very very very very very very very second-to-the-last script revision on Alderman to Sandy by 7am. So went my second night in the hotel.



And now It's time to, Pull Open The 'But'

The whole experience of this random-ass job and this random-ass location and this journey and this alien atmosphere so far has ridden the line of being incredibly exhilarating and so fucking depressing. But, oddly, this is a feeling I enjoy. I want stability, but know I'll be no good as an artist as soon as I have it.



After 10 years of office work I'm working at a fair. Do you know how exciting that is after 10 years of office work? But, I'm working at a fair. Losers do that.



After 10 years of being a city boy I'm back to hanging out with country-folk, which I spent the first 14 years of my life immersed in, it's exciting to be in an atmosphere so warmly memory laden. I went to the Ohio State fair every year with my Mom, Dad 2.0, Aunt Phyllis and Uncle Greg. Every year. Period. Every year. But I guess I never noticed how fucking fucked-up a lot of the people were.



I did manual labor, moved all this stuff around, put up a huge tent, drove a big truck. Manual labor is so mindless it's relaxing, even though it's completely not. But, I forgot what I hated about manual labor, it's not the labor, it's the chitchat. I can't take the chitchat. "I don't know dude, it might rain, what the fuck's my opinion going to add or subtract?"





I can't really stand to see them to play because I see poor people getting poorer at the hands of corporations and advertisers, But I can't turn down the paycheck made by exploiting them. Christ, I'm a Republican, but in my head, I'm a Carny.



Our tent is not on the Midway, we're next to the cowboy hat retailer and two hot-tub retailers. We're across from the Illinois Republicans tent and the Airbushed T-Shirt camper. Incidentally I would like to sum up the entire Illinois State Fair opening day parade in one picture.



It sucked, because parade's suck.