There comes a time in every man's life where they realize that their parents are all grown up. My Mom had me young and therefore has been close in age range most of my life which has brought great advantages like Hipper clothes than the other kids' Mom's got them, and watching Texas Chansaw Massacre when I was thirteen. However there comes a time when all parents must grow up. I recognized one of the signs this weekend while in Dayton for the Easter weekend. My Mom showed me a puzzle she had just bought. Evidently mom has been putting together puzzles, which I do not approve of.
Two things I really hate, Puzzles and Crossword Puzzles. They seem to me to be the most useless acts man can engage in. We've taken millions of years to evolve the cerebral cortex to an unprecedented ungenuity producing machine and this is where most of that evolutionary effort goes? I mean, come on, is there really NOTHING else to do? Is there no other act you can engage in which might further your life in some meaningful way? No? Nothing? What's that? Oh, no, I don't know a three letter word for a flightless fowl. I guess I'll just have to live with that. I suppose Crossword Puzzles could be defended because they make you think more than word-find, but they also make you avoid so many more worthwile thoughts. I guess if you got all your fruitful ventures for the day done, then go for it. I just don't think that's the case with most puzzle people.
But the offense was twofold for my Mom. It was indicative of wasting time AND becoming an old lady. Old People do puzzles, not Mom, not now, maybe in twenty years, but not now. So I told her of how dissapointed I was and I think it was a very good talk. She defended her pursuit by saying that she thought the image that the puzzle would form was very pretty and that perhaps it would look good framed. I blew up and told her now she was acting like and eighty year old and that if she framed it I would have trouble throwing it away when she dies, and I would have to hang the damn thing up, so I begged her not to frame it.
Then my Step-Father joined the conversation laughing the way he does when I crystallize a thought on some Mom nonsense that he's been putting up with but has been unable to call her out on. He told me how the last puzzle went, it was the answer to a question that was going on in the back of my head anyway: Yeah, how does Mom with her lack of patience complete a puzzle? Well, evidently, the last one was a disaster, a lot of yelling and frustration and I believe the table was cleared in a single armswipe when she finished the puzzle but was missing one last piece. After the fiasco had blown over they found the piece chewed up in her Fox Terrier's poop.
Hopefully this will be the end of this puzzle nonsense.
(yeah, I know, no Thermonuclear threat was mentioned in the above piece, I was just looking for more exciting titles)
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Monday, March 14, 2005
The CTA's REALM OF MYSTERY!
So what is with the CTA "shuffle forward"? I'm calling it out, they're doing it on purpose, I know they're doing it on purpose. You all know what I'm talking about. The train pulls into the station and stops. Everyone gets up to go to the doors which will inevitably open given the trains' state of non-motion, then the train shuffles forward a foot throwing everyone down. Is the train really better off one foot in front of where it just was? What were the ramifications of it opening it's door one foot behind where it opened them?
Here's a mysterious fact. We all know there's a failsafe point about 50 yards away from the train station that is the point where you couldn't catch the train no matter how fast you ran. Inside the failsafe zone, you can run your ass off and with a little luck and a touch-card you can make it to the train. But if you're behind the failsafe line, the walk remains leisurely and you'll just catch the next one. My morning train, without fail, has arrived with me just outside the failsafe point for the last two years. Flawlessly. It ALWAYS does. You mean to tell me that if I left the house 30 seconds earlier I'd catch the train perfectly EVERY day? And what really is thirty seconds earlier? Can you leave earlier than left?
But given that I'm outside failsafe everyday, I just walk and catch the next one. But then once a month the train does the ultimate fuck you. I continue to walk, get in the failsafe perimeter, and the train still sits there with it's doors open, tempting me to run, but I do not, after all the train arrived when I was outside failsafe. I get closer, train still in the station, doors open, I get in the the station, haven't heard it leave, I get on the escalator, it still hasn't left, so now, like an idiot I decide to run, only to have the doors close the second I get up there. It's like they fucking know.
And what's with those train horns, is there anything louder in the universe? A really, how many miles away is an effective range for a train horn anyway? Is it necessary for the people at the Sheridan stop to know that a train's pulling into the Fullerton stop? And just once could the beep of the train horn be motivated? Since there's never a reason you can never be prepared for that loud son of a bitch. I feel physical chest pain when the unpredictable train horn blown for no fucking reason scares the living shit out of me.
Here's a mysterious fact. We all know there's a failsafe point about 50 yards away from the train station that is the point where you couldn't catch the train no matter how fast you ran. Inside the failsafe zone, you can run your ass off and with a little luck and a touch-card you can make it to the train. But if you're behind the failsafe line, the walk remains leisurely and you'll just catch the next one. My morning train, without fail, has arrived with me just outside the failsafe point for the last two years. Flawlessly. It ALWAYS does. You mean to tell me that if I left the house 30 seconds earlier I'd catch the train perfectly EVERY day? And what really is thirty seconds earlier? Can you leave earlier than left?
But given that I'm outside failsafe everyday, I just walk and catch the next one. But then once a month the train does the ultimate fuck you. I continue to walk, get in the failsafe perimeter, and the train still sits there with it's doors open, tempting me to run, but I do not, after all the train arrived when I was outside failsafe. I get closer, train still in the station, doors open, I get in the the station, haven't heard it leave, I get on the escalator, it still hasn't left, so now, like an idiot I decide to run, only to have the doors close the second I get up there. It's like they fucking know.
And what's with those train horns, is there anything louder in the universe? A really, how many miles away is an effective range for a train horn anyway? Is it necessary for the people at the Sheridan stop to know that a train's pulling into the Fullerton stop? And just once could the beep of the train horn be motivated? Since there's never a reason you can never be prepared for that loud son of a bitch. I feel physical chest pain when the unpredictable train horn blown for no fucking reason scares the living shit out of me.
Thursday, March 3, 2005
Schadenfreude Meeting 3/3/05 Minute-By-Minute
Okay, haven't been blogging enough so I'm going to do a little experiment and blog during the Schadenfreude rehearsal tonight. Tonight is not picked for any special reason
5:45 - 7:00- Claire Zulkey and John Green of Funny Ha Ha (a staged reading event put on at the Hideout from time to time) stop by, they are putting on a show with us on April 27th at the Double Door, you can get your tickets on ticketmaster. We are deciding what acts to pursue, a combination of monologuists, stand-ups, two-man acts, eccentric music.
7:15 - After a little chatter the topic turns to the business at hand. We have a show in two days at Macalestar College in Minnesota, we're very underprepared and we have a lot to do.
So we avoid it.
7:30 - Sandy and Justin jam out on the drums and guitar working on their version of "Semiturn Kind of Life." Last year are the after-party after the show Justin and sandy found a drum and guitar set up in the basement of the party house and spent much of the night entertaining the crowd with the two songs they knew. "Semiturn" and "So Lonely" by the Police. They plan a triumphant return and have prepared heavily by memorizing the second verse.
8:00 - Working on the sketch called "Patriot Act" It's about a folksinger in a hippy coffeeshop who, it turns out is a republican and starts singing a song about how great the patriot act is. We frist performed this last fall during an four week run at the Lakeshore Theatre. This is actually why
8:09 - Oops, blogging, missed my line. I play a hippy who protests the turn from Liberal to Conservative.
8:15 - Struggling with the number of local references that were in the original sketch, changing them as we go. Judy Barr-Topinka is out as Kat's old singing partner, she now used to play with Anne Colter.
8:19 - "You convinced me to have a key party on President's Day and I still can't poop right." - funny improv line by Sandy. Not going in the show, just this blog.
8:20 - "Hey, this room is signed out for the Tsunami Relief Blog-Athon, so you guys are going to have to go."
8:27 - Working on ending to the show, it's coming slowly. Trying to tie the whole show together with a character from the beginning who interrupts the end. It's the "RA" sketch from a show called "Hey Can I Crash Here?" that hasn't aired yet. We want Rasinen (the RA) to enter in the end.
8:38 - We're Off-track and stalling. Telling a couple stories from last week. But we'll get back to the sketch in 3...2...1...-1...-2...-3...-4..., okay, never mind. Still not getting back to the sk Okay, Justin just called out that we're stalling. back to it.
8:40 - Now we're bitching. We've got to worry about costumes and blocking after doing months and months of radio where these things don't matter. Different rules.
8:44 - Working on a little surprise for the end of the show, thinking about getting a special guest appearance at the end of the show. Someone that the Macalestar kids will know. Boy the logistics of this ending are a bitch, figuring out where the five of us are and which characters we need to turn into and when. This is why Justin is pissing about costume changes and blocking, we have to be in the back of the auditorium and then onstage and then make an entrance and quick changes and play two different characters. It sounds exhausting, but we've done it too many times to really be worried about it, it's just that we haven't done THIS one.
8:48 - How to sneak the spurprise guest backstage in a very open auditorium with very non-black blackouts. He goes to the bathroom before the last sketch, hangs out, then whips around to our backstage when we get the audiences attention at the back.
8:52 - Sandy produces an RA "Student week" shirt out of a prop bin, he is remarkably close in nature to the characters he plays.
9:06 - RO Problems. Trying to get Kate in first part of show and figuring out whether she should be in Giggle Girls or not. Giggle Girls makes fun of the male fantasy of what nubile college girls do, make out with each other, play games naked, pillow fight. Is it funnier with three guys? Or Kate and two guys? We settled on just guys. Kate can't play naked "I Never" as absurdly as three guys in bra's.
9:11 - Now the concern is that the show has too much Justin/Sandy, Sandy/Justin at the top. So I will be taking over Carl Buddig in the RA sketch, just some tool who asks weirdly sexual questions "How do Girls pee?". More RO problems, now Hippies and Giggle Girls are too similar in tone and are back to back (listen to this Saturdays Kasmir Pulaski live show to hear Hippies)
9:16 - Now the issue is that Kate isn't in the first sketch if the giggle girls are all male so we're adding Zoe Dunkle as a distraction for the RA in the opeing sketch, the sketch is just a series of interruptions in his world, why not add one more? Perfect, we just tied Zoe into the ending. Zoe is doing a Straight-edge-Club sponsored movon dot org party (which the show ends with).
9:18 - No drugs at Zoe dunkle's party, pop rocks and peanut butter cups. Sandy: "Could you image just a bowl full of pop rocks?" Justin mocks Sandy's exaggeration : "No I totally couldn't, gosh how could they get them in a bowl?"
9:20 - expanding on the joke of how big a drag Zoe is to the dorm, "Guys, I can hear your music." I came to school to get good grades and gets a good job like Kofi Annen. Becuase I'm a superachiever I need you to keep your Postal Service and Kanye West down to a dull roar between 9pm and 7am, but if you're into music...and then sets up the last sketch of the show.
9:23 - Justin: Fuck it, let's just to Dumb Play. This gets a laugh because it's the easiest sketch in our arsenal, it requires no blocking (three people sit in chairs) and no improv or memorization (it's read from playbooks). Zero effort, which we could use, we've been working straight since January 8th.
9:25 - The real Chris Rasden the RA's Colon has distracted us. What foods he can eat and cannot eat. Boy do we not want to work tonight.
9:26 - Back to Zoe. She's the doogie howser, the wormser of Macalestar.
9:36 - The entire fourth floor of women are synced up.
9:45 - Back to working on the opening sketch with me as carl, jr.
9:51 - Rasden the RA is bragging about his sexual exploits, he's bought condoms at Walgreens,
9:53 - Derailed again, went into dirty sexual exploits, things that would never make it on stage, just to make ourselves laugh, Kate got pissed.
9:56 - Justin decries that we've devolved into doing Town Forum (one of the oldest saws you can be taught at Second city), he liked it more when we were music video with crazy chest signs.
9:57 - Onto Danny/Kris Date (can also be heard in this Saturday's Pulaski show) which we'll be performing onstage with a new beginning that we came up with last night. Danny feine is an Actor and Kristopher Kriss is an Artistic Director and Theatre director who has the hots for Danny who isn't gay but Kris doesn't know that. kris is the most pretentious man in the history of theatre and danny is a really awful and not-so-smart actor. In D/K Date Danny brings his fiance to rehearsal.
10:00 - Danny & Kris Date, we added a new beginning to this one last night because it begins cold on the radio show. Now Danny and Kris have a brief rehearsal to begin the scene, we can see how perverse Kris is, including Polaroid "Headshots" Tonight It took five seconds for Sandy (Kris) to inject a new double entendre into the sketch calling rehearsal "lubing up." Jesus. We're awful.
10:02 - Danny & Kris playing zip, zap, zop the stupid improv warmup game. You send the energy back and forth with zips and zaps. Dumb fucking game, glad we're making fun of this.
10:04 - Every opportunity to make a dirty joke is being taken, evidently I'm the one who was the most out of line a second ago. Justin has just called me out on this.
10:09 - Polaroid joke. Justin spreads his legs, we're ashamed at ourselves. This show is so dirty and it keeps getting worse. Now we're building a warning into the show, that we've been censored on the radio and this will be a dirty show.
10: 20 - The line"It's either Bush or Tush" has been cut. Repeat: "It's either Bush or Tush" has been cut.
10:35 - On to Werewolf, damn Justin has the whole thing memorized. Werewolf is a sketch where a guy robs someone's house and claims that he turns into a werewolf and instead of killing people, robs houses (listen to ep. 39).
11:00 - 15 minute derailment Argument that only comedians could have over Werewolf or Wolverine. This is my fault, I broached the topic but I can't grasp this one. The werewolf in the sketch (who isn't a werewolf, he's just a robber with an absurd excuse) gives his origin, he was studying Wolverines at UofC and decided to test if the legend is true that a Wolverine will eat a marshmallow out of someone's mouth. The Joke being - dumbass, of course you got bit. Okay, so originally the chracter was studying WEREWOLVES and got bit, thus turning him into a WEREWOLF. It's been in 100 movies, certainly you can follow. But everybody but me said that we can't have him studying WEREWOLVES because they don't exist. So it was changed to WOLVERINES because WOLVERINES are real animals and can be studied. The only problem is that nobody turns into a WEREWOLF by being bitten by a WOLVERINE, regardless, so nobody gets confused it has remained a WOLVERINE. It hurts my brain to think aobut it. See arent' you glad you're not a comedian, these are the arguements you get in. Oh, and Justin rubbed salt into my wound by saying that if you get turned into a WEREWOLF by being bitten by a WEREWOLF then how was the first one created. Couldn't answer that, so again, for the sanity of our audience it will remain a WOLVERINE.
11:12 - Kate makes a vein attempt at taking dirty joke out Werewolf to make it the one clean sketch of the show the reference is changed from "I have this great video of two girls jacking off a homeless guy in a bus depot" to "I have this great video with 80 guys and a girl wearing a diving mask." So Kate won, but kinda lost. Who am I kidding, mankind is losing!
11:15 - Giggle girls.
11:20 - Stuffed bra's or non-stuffed bra's? Just one set of stuffed bra's - me, I get big tits. I suggest that Sandy just have one big tit like he got a Mastectomy. He laughs really hard.
11:25 - We're cracking up at Sandy saying "sometimes when I'm kissing a guy it's so rough, I need something soft, smooth, familiar..." Kate challenges that we're not going to get through this one when performed live.
11:26 - Sandy has found a way to make this scene dirtier.
11:28 - Breaking point. Stir crazy, Justin is writihng on the floor, Kate's motto has become "LET'S GO!!!!!" Everytime we imrpovise too much or get distracted.
11:40 - Do we do Dumb Play? Shit, we're seriously considering it.
11:43 - Now there's too much Danny & Kris? (who star in Dumb Play, are in the earlier sketch and one other sketch in the show) Are we just making this decision because it's an easier sketch? Tested material vs. New Material? Crisis of faith?
11:45 - we did just as much Danny/Kris last Friday during the live Pulaski show. was that too much Danny/Kris?
11: 47 - Cut Danny/Kris letter. But now how do the reconcile? (they split up at the end of Date).
11:50 - Exhaustion, too many changes at the last minute, too much reconciliation on a Thrusday night, 42 hours before the show.
11:52 - Insipiration strikes. We'll grab an audience member out of the audience and have Kris audition them for Danny's part, but he rejects them and Danny comes in thin the middle of this.
11:55 - Well now what the fuck? We can't put Patriot Act AFTER Dumb play, but we've built out entire ending on Patriot Act, and we spent this entire night working on.
11:56 - Resolution, slightly change ending of Dumb Play so it doesn't feel like end of show and leave Patriot act as the end. May be weak solution, but we're out of time and options.
12:00 - Justin rounds out the night by giving Sandy shit for fucking up his arm in a skiiing accident two weeks ago.
12:03 - Sandy: "Guys this is going to be so much fun...I hope nothing fucks it up." Kate: "Sandy, why would you say that?" Justin: "I felt more unprepared for The Pulaski Day Show and that was for our radio future and 35,000 people. So we should be fine."
So that was the meeting. I'll let you know how the show went. I'm positive we'll be absolutely fine. Everyone just gets a little itchy making so many changes this close to the show. The problem with rehearsals like this is that you don't have 200 people agreeing with each choice. Saturday night we will. As long as we HIT THE JOKES. Get your swagger, take the stage, and hit the jokes.
5:45 - 7:00- Claire Zulkey and John Green of Funny Ha Ha (a staged reading event put on at the Hideout from time to time) stop by, they are putting on a show with us on April 27th at the Double Door, you can get your tickets on ticketmaster. We are deciding what acts to pursue, a combination of monologuists, stand-ups, two-man acts, eccentric music.
7:15 - After a little chatter the topic turns to the business at hand. We have a show in two days at Macalestar College in Minnesota, we're very underprepared and we have a lot to do.
So we avoid it.
7:30 - Sandy and Justin jam out on the drums and guitar working on their version of "Semiturn Kind of Life." Last year are the after-party after the show Justin and sandy found a drum and guitar set up in the basement of the party house and spent much of the night entertaining the crowd with the two songs they knew. "Semiturn" and "So Lonely" by the Police. They plan a triumphant return and have prepared heavily by memorizing the second verse.
8:00 - Working on the sketch called "Patriot Act" It's about a folksinger in a hippy coffeeshop who, it turns out is a republican and starts singing a song about how great the patriot act is. We frist performed this last fall during an four week run at the Lakeshore Theatre. This is actually why
8:09 - Oops, blogging, missed my line. I play a hippy who protests the turn from Liberal to Conservative.
8:15 - Struggling with the number of local references that were in the original sketch, changing them as we go. Judy Barr-Topinka is out as Kat's old singing partner, she now used to play with Anne Colter.
8:19 - "You convinced me to have a key party on President's Day and I still can't poop right." - funny improv line by Sandy. Not going in the show, just this blog.
8:20 - "Hey, this room is signed out for the Tsunami Relief Blog-Athon, so you guys are going to have to go."
8:27 - Working on ending to the show, it's coming slowly. Trying to tie the whole show together with a character from the beginning who interrupts the end. It's the "RA" sketch from a show called "Hey Can I Crash Here?" that hasn't aired yet. We want Rasinen (the RA) to enter in the end.
8:38 - We're Off-track and stalling. Telling a couple stories from last week. But we'll get back to the sketch in 3...2...1...-1...-2...-3...-4..., okay, never mind. Still not getting back to the sk Okay, Justin just called out that we're stalling. back to it.
8:40 - Now we're bitching. We've got to worry about costumes and blocking after doing months and months of radio where these things don't matter. Different rules.
8:44 - Working on a little surprise for the end of the show, thinking about getting a special guest appearance at the end of the show. Someone that the Macalestar kids will know. Boy the logistics of this ending are a bitch, figuring out where the five of us are and which characters we need to turn into and when. This is why Justin is pissing about costume changes and blocking, we have to be in the back of the auditorium and then onstage and then make an entrance and quick changes and play two different characters. It sounds exhausting, but we've done it too many times to really be worried about it, it's just that we haven't done THIS one.
8:48 - How to sneak the spurprise guest backstage in a very open auditorium with very non-black blackouts. He goes to the bathroom before the last sketch, hangs out, then whips around to our backstage when we get the audiences attention at the back.
8:52 - Sandy produces an RA "Student week" shirt out of a prop bin, he is remarkably close in nature to the characters he plays.
9:06 - RO Problems. Trying to get Kate in first part of show and figuring out whether she should be in Giggle Girls or not. Giggle Girls makes fun of the male fantasy of what nubile college girls do, make out with each other, play games naked, pillow fight. Is it funnier with three guys? Or Kate and two guys? We settled on just guys. Kate can't play naked "I Never" as absurdly as three guys in bra's.
9:11 - Now the concern is that the show has too much Justin/Sandy, Sandy/Justin at the top. So I will be taking over Carl Buddig in the RA sketch, just some tool who asks weirdly sexual questions "How do Girls pee?". More RO problems, now Hippies and Giggle Girls are too similar in tone and are back to back (listen to this Saturdays Kasmir Pulaski live show to hear Hippies)
9:16 - Now the issue is that Kate isn't in the first sketch if the giggle girls are all male so we're adding Zoe Dunkle as a distraction for the RA in the opeing sketch, the sketch is just a series of interruptions in his world, why not add one more? Perfect, we just tied Zoe into the ending. Zoe is doing a Straight-edge-Club sponsored movon dot org party (which the show ends with).
9:18 - No drugs at Zoe dunkle's party, pop rocks and peanut butter cups. Sandy: "Could you image just a bowl full of pop rocks?" Justin mocks Sandy's exaggeration : "No I totally couldn't, gosh how could they get them in a bowl?"
9:20 - expanding on the joke of how big a drag Zoe is to the dorm, "Guys, I can hear your music." I came to school to get good grades and gets a good job like Kofi Annen. Becuase I'm a superachiever I need you to keep your Postal Service and Kanye West down to a dull roar between 9pm and 7am, but if you're into music...and then sets up the last sketch of the show.
9:23 - Justin: Fuck it, let's just to Dumb Play. This gets a laugh because it's the easiest sketch in our arsenal, it requires no blocking (three people sit in chairs) and no improv or memorization (it's read from playbooks). Zero effort, which we could use, we've been working straight since January 8th.
9:25 - The real Chris Rasden the RA's Colon has distracted us. What foods he can eat and cannot eat. Boy do we not want to work tonight.
9:26 - Back to Zoe. She's the doogie howser, the wormser of Macalestar.
9:36 - The entire fourth floor of women are synced up.
9:45 - Back to working on the opening sketch with me as carl, jr.
9:51 - Rasden the RA is bragging about his sexual exploits, he's bought condoms at Walgreens,
9:53 - Derailed again, went into dirty sexual exploits, things that would never make it on stage, just to make ourselves laugh, Kate got pissed.
9:56 - Justin decries that we've devolved into doing Town Forum (one of the oldest saws you can be taught at Second city), he liked it more when we were music video with crazy chest signs.
9:57 - Onto Danny/Kris Date (can also be heard in this Saturday's Pulaski show) which we'll be performing onstage with a new beginning that we came up with last night. Danny feine is an Actor and Kristopher Kriss is an Artistic Director and Theatre director who has the hots for Danny who isn't gay but Kris doesn't know that. kris is the most pretentious man in the history of theatre and danny is a really awful and not-so-smart actor. In D/K Date Danny brings his fiance to rehearsal.
10:00 - Danny & Kris Date, we added a new beginning to this one last night because it begins cold on the radio show. Now Danny and Kris have a brief rehearsal to begin the scene, we can see how perverse Kris is, including Polaroid "Headshots" Tonight It took five seconds for Sandy (Kris) to inject a new double entendre into the sketch calling rehearsal "lubing up." Jesus. We're awful.
10:02 - Danny & Kris playing zip, zap, zop the stupid improv warmup game. You send the energy back and forth with zips and zaps. Dumb fucking game, glad we're making fun of this.
10:04 - Every opportunity to make a dirty joke is being taken, evidently I'm the one who was the most out of line a second ago. Justin has just called me out on this.
10:09 - Polaroid joke. Justin spreads his legs, we're ashamed at ourselves. This show is so dirty and it keeps getting worse. Now we're building a warning into the show, that we've been censored on the radio and this will be a dirty show.
10: 20 - The line"It's either Bush or Tush" has been cut. Repeat: "It's either Bush or Tush" has been cut.
10:35 - On to Werewolf, damn Justin has the whole thing memorized. Werewolf is a sketch where a guy robs someone's house and claims that he turns into a werewolf and instead of killing people, robs houses (listen to ep. 39).
11:00 - 15 minute derailment Argument that only comedians could have over Werewolf or Wolverine. This is my fault, I broached the topic but I can't grasp this one. The werewolf in the sketch (who isn't a werewolf, he's just a robber with an absurd excuse) gives his origin, he was studying Wolverines at UofC and decided to test if the legend is true that a Wolverine will eat a marshmallow out of someone's mouth. The Joke being - dumbass, of course you got bit. Okay, so originally the chracter was studying WEREWOLVES and got bit, thus turning him into a WEREWOLF. It's been in 100 movies, certainly you can follow. But everybody but me said that we can't have him studying WEREWOLVES because they don't exist. So it was changed to WOLVERINES because WOLVERINES are real animals and can be studied. The only problem is that nobody turns into a WEREWOLF by being bitten by a WOLVERINE, regardless, so nobody gets confused it has remained a WOLVERINE. It hurts my brain to think aobut it. See arent' you glad you're not a comedian, these are the arguements you get in. Oh, and Justin rubbed salt into my wound by saying that if you get turned into a WEREWOLF by being bitten by a WEREWOLF then how was the first one created. Couldn't answer that, so again, for the sanity of our audience it will remain a WOLVERINE.
11:12 - Kate makes a vein attempt at taking dirty joke out Werewolf to make it the one clean sketch of the show the reference is changed from "I have this great video of two girls jacking off a homeless guy in a bus depot" to "I have this great video with 80 guys and a girl wearing a diving mask." So Kate won, but kinda lost. Who am I kidding, mankind is losing!
11:15 - Giggle girls.
11:20 - Stuffed bra's or non-stuffed bra's? Just one set of stuffed bra's - me, I get big tits. I suggest that Sandy just have one big tit like he got a Mastectomy. He laughs really hard.
11:25 - We're cracking up at Sandy saying "sometimes when I'm kissing a guy it's so rough, I need something soft, smooth, familiar..." Kate challenges that we're not going to get through this one when performed live.
11:26 - Sandy has found a way to make this scene dirtier.
11:28 - Breaking point. Stir crazy, Justin is writihng on the floor, Kate's motto has become "LET'S GO!!!!!" Everytime we imrpovise too much or get distracted.
11:40 - Do we do Dumb Play? Shit, we're seriously considering it.
11:43 - Now there's too much Danny & Kris? (who star in Dumb Play, are in the earlier sketch and one other sketch in the show) Are we just making this decision because it's an easier sketch? Tested material vs. New Material? Crisis of faith?
11:45 - we did just as much Danny/Kris last Friday during the live Pulaski show. was that too much Danny/Kris?
11: 47 - Cut Danny/Kris letter. But now how do the reconcile? (they split up at the end of Date).
11:50 - Exhaustion, too many changes at the last minute, too much reconciliation on a Thrusday night, 42 hours before the show.
11:52 - Insipiration strikes. We'll grab an audience member out of the audience and have Kris audition them for Danny's part, but he rejects them and Danny comes in thin the middle of this.
11:55 - Well now what the fuck? We can't put Patriot Act AFTER Dumb play, but we've built out entire ending on Patriot Act, and we spent this entire night working on.
11:56 - Resolution, slightly change ending of Dumb Play so it doesn't feel like end of show and leave Patriot act as the end. May be weak solution, but we're out of time and options.
12:00 - Justin rounds out the night by giving Sandy shit for fucking up his arm in a skiiing accident two weeks ago.
12:03 - Sandy: "Guys this is going to be so much fun...I hope nothing fucks it up." Kate: "Sandy, why would you say that?" Justin: "I felt more unprepared for The Pulaski Day Show and that was for our radio future and 35,000 people. So we should be fine."
So that was the meeting. I'll let you know how the show went. I'm positive we'll be absolutely fine. Everyone just gets a little itchy making so many changes this close to the show. The problem with rehearsals like this is that you don't have 200 people agreeing with each choice. Saturday night we will. As long as we HIT THE JOKES. Get your swagger, take the stage, and hit the jokes.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Fuck the Oscars...again...
I JUST TURNED OFF THE OSCARS. I LASTED LONGER THAN I EXPECTED.
I was actually avoiding writing, which is what I'm avoiding right now, but I'm avoiding it more productively. How stupid was the hubub about "the controversial" Chris Rock hosting the Oscars. Didn't he stop being controversial when he had that half-ass talk show on HBO, was he ever really that controversial? And do people really wonder if he's going to say "fuck" on the air? One thing I have to give him, I thought he was destined for Jim Breuer-ness after SNL, he's re-invented himself tto the point where most people forget he was on SNL. That may be because he was incredibly forgettable during the most forgettable years that show has had. Those years literally anger me. I know I take comedy more personal than most, but those years make me want to throw the tv out the window at how piss poor the writing was. I mean for God's sakes YOU'RE THE HIGHEST PAID SKETCH COMEDIANS ON TV!!! AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN COME UP WITH?!?!
So how awful was Robin Williams? I can't stand him at the Oscars, it's THE EXACT SAME BIT EVERY YEAR. I can't believe he did a "could you imagine Jack Nicholson as X" joke. You should go to comedy jail for that.
I've only seen two of the main Oscar Picks, the first two acts of Million Dollar Baby, and the last act of Million Dollar Baby.
I really wish they have never given Animated movies their own category, I think they should have to fight for legitimacy like comedies have to. Now every Animated film of the year gets to claim that it's nominated for an Oscar, NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR! (because four animated films had to be). This category needed to go fuck itself from it's inception because it was created the year the Waking Life came out, and I thought: Oh that's nice, finally a category that can recognize that not all animated films are for kids and that the genre has some life outside of Walt Disney and it's legitimacy is now cemented...and then not only is Waking Life not nominated but Jimmy Neutron is!
HOW DO THE STUDIOS KNOW WHAT WILL BE THE BEST MOVIES OF THE YEAR?
That kind of takes the fun out of it doesn't it? So I know I won't see the best movie of the year in March? I can just put that expectation out of my mind when seeing any movie prior to November, eh? That's just no fun. Not that anybody really think's Blade II will get nominated for an Oscar anyway, maybe they should come up with a Vampire category.
But really, shouldn't it be harder to make a good movie? Shouldn't the academy be more picky than to just pick the one's the studios released in November/December? And if the studios know so accurately what a good movie is enough to release them at the right time so as to make more money via the tie-in, couldn't they conceivably make good movies all year? Or would nobody go see Million Dollar Baby in May? The answer is...nobody would give a shit about any of these movies any other time of the year. They'd all make $30 million less any other time of the year. It's a scam a huge scam. Do you think if X-Men 3 were released February 1st any of these movies would have a chance against it?
But seriously could you imagine Jack Nicholson as a Vampire? I think it might go a little something like this...
MY TOP PICKS OF THE YEAR
1) Bourne Supremacy - I didn't think I could like anything more than Collateral, but holy shit this movie rocked like only genius directors and writers and producers can rock. You just can't shit out a franchise film and have it turn out this good. The character of Bourned speaks maybe 10 lines in the movie and yet the character is amazing, he's got everything going for him that all great about action hero's have, and I'll put the car chase in this movie up against any car chase.
2) Collateral - Here's some good writing for you. Great first act, it establishes that he's got this goal, the island resort cab company, he has a picture of the island on the car's sunshade flap, he can always pull it down and look at his future, at 18 minutes into the movie that is replaced with the card and phone number of Jada Pinkett's character, now he has this new goal this new future that he has to get to if he can get through this night. Act One ends when the body hits the car, fantastic twist to take us into act two. Great characters, great dialogue.
V: Thousands of Rwandan's die everyday and you're worried about some fat angelino.
M: I don't know any Rwandans.
V: You don't know the guy in the trunk either. Allright, he was a criminal, engaged in a continuing criminal enterprise, happy?
And it was directed Michael Mann, and it is SUCH a Michael Mann film. I love when directors do films that are SO THEM. Like any Tim Burton film, how does one man with such a peculiar vision find so many films that only he could direct? How THERE am I to see Tim Burton work with Johnny Depp and Danny Elfman work together to create Charlie and The Chocolate Factory? Can you say perfect collaboration? However it will be coming out in July, so I guess it won't be one of the best films of the year.
THE NOMINEES FOR THE 2006 OSCARS ARE OUT!
(actually I just went to www.countingdown.com and saw what's releasing in November and December)
Here's the films the critics and academy will agree are the best of the year and some of them haven't even been shot yet!
Memoirs of a Geisha
All The Kings Men (Jude Law and Sean Penn for best Actors)
The New World (I hear Emmanuel Lubezki may be up for Best Cinematography once someone's seen the photography he did)
Jarhead (Chris Cooper for Best Actor)
Rent
Walk The Line (I hear Jaquin Phoenix might have a shot at Best Actor once he's acted in this)
How big a farce will the Oscars be when I'm right? What if the Superbowl were like this?
I was actually avoiding writing, which is what I'm avoiding right now, but I'm avoiding it more productively. How stupid was the hubub about "the controversial" Chris Rock hosting the Oscars. Didn't he stop being controversial when he had that half-ass talk show on HBO, was he ever really that controversial? And do people really wonder if he's going to say "fuck" on the air? One thing I have to give him, I thought he was destined for Jim Breuer-ness after SNL, he's re-invented himself tto the point where most people forget he was on SNL. That may be because he was incredibly forgettable during the most forgettable years that show has had. Those years literally anger me. I know I take comedy more personal than most, but those years make me want to throw the tv out the window at how piss poor the writing was. I mean for God's sakes YOU'RE THE HIGHEST PAID SKETCH COMEDIANS ON TV!!! AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN COME UP WITH?!?!
So how awful was Robin Williams? I can't stand him at the Oscars, it's THE EXACT SAME BIT EVERY YEAR. I can't believe he did a "could you imagine Jack Nicholson as X" joke. You should go to comedy jail for that.
I've only seen two of the main Oscar Picks, the first two acts of Million Dollar Baby, and the last act of Million Dollar Baby.
I really wish they have never given Animated movies their own category, I think they should have to fight for legitimacy like comedies have to. Now every Animated film of the year gets to claim that it's nominated for an Oscar, NOMINATED FOR AN OSCAR! (because four animated films had to be). This category needed to go fuck itself from it's inception because it was created the year the Waking Life came out, and I thought: Oh that's nice, finally a category that can recognize that not all animated films are for kids and that the genre has some life outside of Walt Disney and it's legitimacy is now cemented...and then not only is Waking Life not nominated but Jimmy Neutron is!
HOW DO THE STUDIOS KNOW WHAT WILL BE THE BEST MOVIES OF THE YEAR?
That kind of takes the fun out of it doesn't it? So I know I won't see the best movie of the year in March? I can just put that expectation out of my mind when seeing any movie prior to November, eh? That's just no fun. Not that anybody really think's Blade II will get nominated for an Oscar anyway, maybe they should come up with a Vampire category.
But really, shouldn't it be harder to make a good movie? Shouldn't the academy be more picky than to just pick the one's the studios released in November/December? And if the studios know so accurately what a good movie is enough to release them at the right time so as to make more money via the tie-in, couldn't they conceivably make good movies all year? Or would nobody go see Million Dollar Baby in May? The answer is...nobody would give a shit about any of these movies any other time of the year. They'd all make $30 million less any other time of the year. It's a scam a huge scam. Do you think if X-Men 3 were released February 1st any of these movies would have a chance against it?
But seriously could you imagine Jack Nicholson as a Vampire? I think it might go a little something like this...
MY TOP PICKS OF THE YEAR
1) Bourne Supremacy - I didn't think I could like anything more than Collateral, but holy shit this movie rocked like only genius directors and writers and producers can rock. You just can't shit out a franchise film and have it turn out this good. The character of Bourned speaks maybe 10 lines in the movie and yet the character is amazing, he's got everything going for him that all great about action hero's have, and I'll put the car chase in this movie up against any car chase.
2) Collateral - Here's some good writing for you. Great first act, it establishes that he's got this goal, the island resort cab company, he has a picture of the island on the car's sunshade flap, he can always pull it down and look at his future, at 18 minutes into the movie that is replaced with the card and phone number of Jada Pinkett's character, now he has this new goal this new future that he has to get to if he can get through this night. Act One ends when the body hits the car, fantastic twist to take us into act two. Great characters, great dialogue.
V: Thousands of Rwandan's die everyday and you're worried about some fat angelino.
M: I don't know any Rwandans.
V: You don't know the guy in the trunk either. Allright, he was a criminal, engaged in a continuing criminal enterprise, happy?
And it was directed Michael Mann, and it is SUCH a Michael Mann film. I love when directors do films that are SO THEM. Like any Tim Burton film, how does one man with such a peculiar vision find so many films that only he could direct? How THERE am I to see Tim Burton work with Johnny Depp and Danny Elfman work together to create Charlie and The Chocolate Factory? Can you say perfect collaboration? However it will be coming out in July, so I guess it won't be one of the best films of the year.
THE NOMINEES FOR THE 2006 OSCARS ARE OUT!
(actually I just went to www.countingdown.com and saw what's releasing in November and December)
Here's the films the critics and academy will agree are the best of the year and some of them haven't even been shot yet!
Memoirs of a Geisha
All The Kings Men (Jude Law and Sean Penn for best Actors)
The New World (I hear Emmanuel Lubezki may be up for Best Cinematography once someone's seen the photography he did)
Jarhead (Chris Cooper for Best Actor)
Rent
Walk The Line (I hear Jaquin Phoenix might have a shot at Best Actor once he's acted in this)
How big a farce will the Oscars be when I'm right? What if the Superbowl were like this?
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Things I Learned in the RedEye Today - 2/22/05
Paris Hilton had her phone numbers from her cellphone downloaded and put on the internet. And it's the biggest story in the history of mankind. Everybody's talking about it, including (get this) morning DJ's, some of whom have done parody songs about it. Columnists are even talking about it (that means it's huge). It's the biggest story since Michael Jackson got a cold that one day last week. There's also little blurbs about how you can prevent the same thing from happening to you and your cellphone. I wouldn't worry, though because nobody gives a shit about you.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Things I Learned in the RedEye Today - 2/10/05
So I've been getting free RedEye's each morning. Evidently there's some things that concern me that they have decided to inform me of. Today I learned that there's this girl on Angry Housewives, and I thought she was a lesbian, but she's not. Also I think Mark Bazer bought a chair.
Saturday, February 5, 2005
Writing Retreat 3: Rise of the Machines
AND WE DID BECOME MACHINES
Between January 8th and 15th, the core group, Katie Watson (Sirens), and Conner Kalista (Too Much Light) traveled to a secluded house in Michigan, out of cellphone reception range to write 12 episodes of the radio show to round out Season Two to the contractually obligated 60 Episodes.
Two Weeks Prior to that we all sat down and threw out some ideas. Each of us brought five overall themes for episodes and pitched them. These Hundred-or-so ideas were posted on a whiteboard and we voted for the illustrious twelve, twenty are chosen and revoted on, and then those are revoted on.
AND THE WINNERS ARE...
Prior to Christmas the following Themes for Episodes 45-60 were chosen.
Delay
Entire episodes takes place during a 30 minute delay at an airport.
Hey, Can I Crash Here?
Based on the theme of party, crashers, life crashers, adn unwelcome guests.
Speed Dating
Show based on couples and relationships in which every sketch is two minutes long.
Day In The Life of America's Heart & Soul
Based on Angelina jolie's upcoming project, which shows what everyone's doing at exactly the same time on the same day all over the world.
:30
A show that takes place in realtime, on cubs opening day, a half hour from the first pitch.
We Didn't Start The Fire
The Chicago Fires, the famous one and the Lasalle Bank Building one too, plus the Billy Joel Song.
Fanaticism
Fanaticism.
Who Killed Scruffy McMuffin?
A very old idea.
The Apartment
Several stories that take place in the apartment that surrounds a frustrated writer on deadline to finish his novel.
Ed Bus
A documentary on Ed Bus and his re-election campaign leading up to election day.
61
Schadenfreude splits up after 60 and goes in many diverse directions and career choices, when it's revealed that we still owe WBEZ one more episode, the show tracks us down and brings us back for one more show, that show, of cours is this one.
There's one show I haven't listed and I'll just call it Episode X, I will not tell you what it's them is or what's it's about, it would ruin you discovering it for yourself. In theory it's my favorite thing we've done, it hasn't been recorded or aired, but I really love it. I can't wait for you to hear it.
TWO WEEKS LATER WE WENT TO MICHIGAN
For an entire day we pitched ideas under each theme. For another day we went through every sketch in every episode and figured out the best way for them to interlock and recur to create the flow we try and achieve in our show. Then we riffed on the ideas and took detailed notes. Then we were ready to break off and write in groups, but before we could do that we had to take another day and expand the sketch ideas as a group so the that the groups would go smoothly. We wrote the beats for each scene "and then he does this, and then the other guys says something like this, and then they both have pie." Then three groups, one on each floor went away and spent between 6 and 12 hours on each episode. Then we reconvened and repeated the process of expand and breaking off for every episode.
Best Writing Retreat Moments:
Justin and Sandy putting in overtime in the basement to write not one, but two ed bus shows. The shows create a whole new world for Ed bus to exist in with a great antagonist, supercorporation Dinnerbansky & Ross and their global domination plans, superbitch lawyers, and exercise machine entrepreneurs, and Arnold Schwarzeneggar.
The first read of We Didn't Start The Fire - flawless structure from the first read. Love it.
The first read of Episode X, and Katie Watson's Uncanny word-for-word typing ability from the original discussion session.
My Arnold Scwarzeneggar Bit, an observation I've always had on Arnold and how he plugs his stupid movies on Jay Leno, it made everyone laugh.
Writing with Conner. First time I ever wrote with him, very clever. Best Lines: "Hey do you guys have a dumpsink so I can wash my comforter" "For the next two minutes we have a sale on knives and ice in the back next to the upturned palattes" and "I fell off my elliptical machine onto my priceless collection of Crossbows" (you'll get ti when you hear them, no time to explain)
The First reading of the first six episodes.
Traditionally we hold the reading of the scripts until the last night of the retreat. But this time we rewarded ourselves for our work so far by doing a reading. What a good idea. We all needed the release so bad. It gave us so much energy, I've never laughed harder at what probably wasn't that funny just because I needed the release.
The most fun thing at every retreat is coming up with clever line while writing and anticipating springing the line on the rest of the group to get that first reaction. Each writing staff member will hear that joke 20 more times during the editing and rehearsal process, so a new hilarious line will never be funnier to the group than that first time you spring it on them. It's the closest the writing staff gets to being audience members, "I cried from my fun place." "I never jacked off a sleeping homeless guy." and "Reyna did me a favor...a HAND favor." are amongst my favorites.
So for two weeks we edited and rehearsed the episodes and tomorrw morning we record the first four of the lot. So I'm rehearsing right now. I'll give you the blow by blow of recording CRASH, DELAY, SPEED DATING, and A DAY IN THE LIFE tomorrow.
Between January 8th and 15th, the core group, Katie Watson (Sirens), and Conner Kalista (Too Much Light) traveled to a secluded house in Michigan, out of cellphone reception range to write 12 episodes of the radio show to round out Season Two to the contractually obligated 60 Episodes.
Two Weeks Prior to that we all sat down and threw out some ideas. Each of us brought five overall themes for episodes and pitched them. These Hundred-or-so ideas were posted on a whiteboard and we voted for the illustrious twelve, twenty are chosen and revoted on, and then those are revoted on.
AND THE WINNERS ARE...
Prior to Christmas the following Themes for Episodes 45-60 were chosen.
Delay
Entire episodes takes place during a 30 minute delay at an airport.
Hey, Can I Crash Here?
Based on the theme of party, crashers, life crashers, adn unwelcome guests.
Speed Dating
Show based on couples and relationships in which every sketch is two minutes long.
Day In The Life of America's Heart & Soul
Based on Angelina jolie's upcoming project, which shows what everyone's doing at exactly the same time on the same day all over the world.
:30
A show that takes place in realtime, on cubs opening day, a half hour from the first pitch.
We Didn't Start The Fire
The Chicago Fires, the famous one and the Lasalle Bank Building one too, plus the Billy Joel Song.
Fanaticism
Fanaticism.
Who Killed Scruffy McMuffin?
A very old idea.
The Apartment
Several stories that take place in the apartment that surrounds a frustrated writer on deadline to finish his novel.
Ed Bus
A documentary on Ed Bus and his re-election campaign leading up to election day.
61
Schadenfreude splits up after 60 and goes in many diverse directions and career choices, when it's revealed that we still owe WBEZ one more episode, the show tracks us down and brings us back for one more show, that show, of cours is this one.
There's one show I haven't listed and I'll just call it Episode X, I will not tell you what it's them is or what's it's about, it would ruin you discovering it for yourself. In theory it's my favorite thing we've done, it hasn't been recorded or aired, but I really love it. I can't wait for you to hear it.
TWO WEEKS LATER WE WENT TO MICHIGAN
For an entire day we pitched ideas under each theme. For another day we went through every sketch in every episode and figured out the best way for them to interlock and recur to create the flow we try and achieve in our show. Then we riffed on the ideas and took detailed notes. Then we were ready to break off and write in groups, but before we could do that we had to take another day and expand the sketch ideas as a group so the that the groups would go smoothly. We wrote the beats for each scene "and then he does this, and then the other guys says something like this, and then they both have pie." Then three groups, one on each floor went away and spent between 6 and 12 hours on each episode. Then we reconvened and repeated the process of expand and breaking off for every episode.
Best Writing Retreat Moments:
Justin and Sandy putting in overtime in the basement to write not one, but two ed bus shows. The shows create a whole new world for Ed bus to exist in with a great antagonist, supercorporation Dinnerbansky & Ross and their global domination plans, superbitch lawyers, and exercise machine entrepreneurs, and Arnold Schwarzeneggar.
The first read of We Didn't Start The Fire - flawless structure from the first read. Love it.
The first read of Episode X, and Katie Watson's Uncanny word-for-word typing ability from the original discussion session.
My Arnold Scwarzeneggar Bit, an observation I've always had on Arnold and how he plugs his stupid movies on Jay Leno, it made everyone laugh.
Writing with Conner. First time I ever wrote with him, very clever. Best Lines: "Hey do you guys have a dumpsink so I can wash my comforter" "For the next two minutes we have a sale on knives and ice in the back next to the upturned palattes" and "I fell off my elliptical machine onto my priceless collection of Crossbows" (you'll get ti when you hear them, no time to explain)
The First reading of the first six episodes.
Traditionally we hold the reading of the scripts until the last night of the retreat. But this time we rewarded ourselves for our work so far by doing a reading. What a good idea. We all needed the release so bad. It gave us so much energy, I've never laughed harder at what probably wasn't that funny just because I needed the release.
The most fun thing at every retreat is coming up with clever line while writing and anticipating springing the line on the rest of the group to get that first reaction. Each writing staff member will hear that joke 20 more times during the editing and rehearsal process, so a new hilarious line will never be funnier to the group than that first time you spring it on them. It's the closest the writing staff gets to being audience members, "I cried from my fun place." "I never jacked off a sleeping homeless guy." and "Reyna did me a favor...a HAND favor." are amongst my favorites.
So for two weeks we edited and rehearsed the episodes and tomorrw morning we record the first four of the lot. So I'm rehearsing right now. I'll give you the blow by blow of recording CRASH, DELAY, SPEED DATING, and A DAY IN THE LIFE tomorrow.
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