Wickerman Club

As you know I was stunted the best I'd ever been stunted last Friday night. Part of the stunt was convincing me that we were doing and entirely different show than what ultimately happened (video on the way). And the Oscar goes to Stephen Schmidt for our brief conversation before teaching:

"People just want to see monologues, they want to see you playing the characters your known for. Let's just give 'em what they want."

Okay. And best supporting actors go to Justin for not letting me cut the Office Prick monologue that I would never give, Kate for convinvcing me that it'll go great when i met her at the bank and complained that I didn't have the monologues down, and Stephe again, for making sure he had all my music cues down for moments that I'd never put on stage.

And the Ace award goes to my ego for buying it for a second. So Adam had to write two new monologues and re-memorize two old ones for characters that in retropect nobody could give a fuck about. So here is monologue #1. Brent Wickerman, you don't remember Brent Wickerman? Yeah, neither does anyone else. Brent's one of the Managers of the Phudi Mart (our next screenplay) and this'll let you know a little bit about him. This may very well be the opening monologue in the movie before we know where they are and who Brent is.

Silence!!! Gentlemen, welcome to Wickerman Club.

You're not your job. You're not $5.25 an hour. You're not your black pants, brown apron, and a yellow shirt, which need to be tucked in by the way."

When I look at you guys in this warehouse I see a generation of displaced youth who needs a cool forty-year-old to look up to. You're here to find something in yourself long lost, the companionship of men, real men. That's why you're here...or you got a flyer on your windshield, actually show of hands on that, a little marketing survey....

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake! You are not your case of Miller Lite I buy for you at 20% markup. You're a generation with no leaders, who looks up to a man who rents his own house, two blocks from your school. The type who knows if my Corona sign in my front window is on, then the party is on.

You are guys are looking for purpose, to be men, to be led by a real man. A man who owns a Fiero and an Iroc-Z. A man with an asian-themed bedroom a framed print of Alyssa Milano in a hockey jersey. A man who wears very very small italian underwear.

As a generation without leaders you look up to a man who worked on Wall Street for almost a year during the greed-is-good eighties, and man who posed for Playgirl and wouldn't take "no" for an answer when it came to their "stringent" chaps policy.

There's a secret in this secret society and the secret is me.

First Rule of Wickerman Club is you do not talk about Wickerman Club. That's not a gay thing, we're not going to be touching each other The only thing we'll be touching is each other's souls, and maybe a butthole or two, it's an initiation I haven't quite worked out.

Second Rule of Wickerman Club is you do not talk about The Cars, if Ric Ocasek isn't singing then they are NOT The Cars.

Third Rule is we have to beat the fuck out of each other to make this work. I didn't invent that part, all I know is it's not gay, not in an obvious way. Let me grease up here.

(Wickerman takes off his shirt and Stephe sprays Pam on his chest)

Fourth Rule is let's just have fun, you know? Where in the Wickerman Club manifesto does it say "thou shalt not have a little fun?"

Fifth Rule is I got this great new tape, have you guys heard this tape? This is a really great tape, she's called Pink, and I don't listen to a lot of new music but this is just great.

(Wickerman presses play and does a dance to "I'm Comin' Up")

The Sixth Rule, did I mention that we're going to be beating each other up? Cool. Because that's definitely a deal-breaker for some people, maybe even me.

The Seventh Rule is you DO NOT talk about Wickerman Club, except on the internet.

Now I need you to hit...him, as hard as you can.

(Tony Smalek, store manager, walks in)

Smalek: I don't want to interrupt Brent, we need to open a new aisle, we got a ton of customers.

Aw man, we were just claiming our lost masculinity through the homo-erotic ritual of wrestling and combat.

Smalek: Sounds gay.

It's not gay.