Accuracy In Eating

I was eating at 3am in a diner because that is one of life's truly great pleasures when a thought occurred to me. Well, I'm a writer so thoughts don't occur so much as they spring forth into the universe already whole with a bloodthirsty desire to be imparted to the nearest waitress, stranger, or unenviable girlfriend.

How come there's no name for the meal you eat at 3am?

There's Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. When you eat, it has a name; but what parameters define what label? It can't be the order; if you eat three meals before 10am, you would not be thin and the third meal would not be dinner. It can't be type; grits eaten at 6pm may be an odd choice but it is not breakfast. Therefore I think the paramater is time.

Don't interrupt. I'm going somewhere with this.

Breakfast: Any meal eaten between 5am and 9:00am
Lunch: Any meal eaten between 11:00 am and 2pm
Dinner: Any meal eaten between 3:30pm (my Grandparents) and 10pm (my Parents).

Which leaves Brunch, the fake meal taking place partially in Breakfast Time and partially in Lunch Time, roughly between 9:00 and 11:00. Really Brunch is more defined by how your dressed than anything else. If you got dressed, left the house, and are eating at 11, then you're eating brunch. If you're still in your pajamas and eating at 11 then you are eating lunch you lazy slob or freelance web designer.

Now before I go on, I know you all have questions, but for the love of science please shut up.

There are two obvious gaps in the meal plan. What am I eating if I'm eating at 2:30 pm? That's not lunch...it's not dinner either, today on Schadenfreude.net I declare all meals eaten between 2pm and 3:30pm: Dunch. That's right, Dunch. Start using it now, we've got years to catch up on. Okay, practical application: let's say you're supposed to meet with someone for Dinner to discuss the potential ramifications of jury verdict against you, suggest to them that you meet a little earlier and say "We should meet for Dunch." When they say "What?" Plug our website.

There's also a large gap between 10pm and 5am. We all know that you can't have dinner at Midnight (nor can you really at 10, but tell my parents that), but what you CAN have is...Midnosh. That's right, Midnosh. Start using it now, we've got years to catch up on. Okay, practical application: let's say you stay out late at the bar with a potential sexual partner or member of your bowling league and perhaps before you go home to have sex or fall asleep full of regret, or both, you want to grab a bite to eat at an all-night diner so you can overhear Adam's latest theory, you would say "Hey, before we go home, shall we partake in some Midnosh?" When they say "What?" Plug our website.

In closing, I know it's not a perfect system but it's a system and if that's good enough for the United States of America then it should be good enough for you. Yes, I know there are third-shifters out there, I was a third-shifter for years myself, I feel your pain. I'm also not bending the rules for you. It's 3pm, you just woke up, you're eating cereal, that cereal my friend, is what's for Dunch.