Jumping off from the Van Helsing Talkback

Roberto's comments on Van Helsing being so bad that he had to take a day off work reminded me of one of my favorite days at the movies. Well, it wasn't my favorite THAT day, but now having told this story so many times I love that it happened.

I think movies today are fucking great, because I've lived throught he worst era, the era of 1997 plus or minus a year. Every trailer i see now looks fucking great, can't wait to see it completely on board. People decry that everything's been test-marketed and mass-merchandised for maximum effect, but one thing they don't throw in the mix is how good the ultimate product still is. You can mass-merchandise Hellboy or Spider-Man, or X-Men all you want, but unlike a previous era these movies are then headed up by great artists with unique visions and genuine freedom (compared to past eras) by people like Guillermo Del Toro, Sam Raimi, and Brian Singer. Batman Begins - Christoper Nolan, Dukes of Hazzard - Jay Chandresekar, and complete unkowns like the Wachowski Brothers (in 1999) ar given carte blanche just based on their ideas (and the multibillion dollar grossing "Bound"...oh, wait). While in conception they are made to be big moneymakers, there's a vision that's allowed, that gets past the stockholders in a way like never before, buoying the whole industry and making the average product very good with a decidedly un-written-by-committee feel. Complain about Soul Plane all you want, in 2005, that's the minority. I can't watch 8 trailers any more and not think that 7 of those look fucking great. Even the shittiest movie I've seen recently, Domino, Is better than most movies that came out in 1997.

1997 was the wasteland of Batman & Robin, Volcano, Dante's Peak, Alien Resurrection, The Devil's Own, Face/Off, Flubber, , G.I. Jane, The Jackal, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Jungle 2 Jungle, Kull The Conquorer, Mission 2 Mars (load the gun, honey...), Jurassic Park: The Lost World, Murder at 1600, The Rainmaker, The Saint, Scream 2, Steel, Tomorrow Never Dies, , U-Turn, Wishmaster, Speed Fucking 2, and THE GODDAMN POSTMAN!.



There's your 1997 boys and girls, and, it goes without mentioning, that this all followed 1996, very very very depressing. Compare it to this year on the pop or indie level, no contest that movies have gotten fucking good, largely, thanks to what did succeed in 1996 and 1997, because when you get outside the system there were a few good things, I think all our lives are better for having Good Will Hunting exist, but that came from way outside and I think Hollywood would've prevented L.A. Confidential if they could've. By the way, has anybody that LOVED Ulee's Gold ever rented, seen, or even talked about it again?



I say all this to set up one day that I went to the movies. Now, I've always loved exploitation movies, bad movies, and b movies, I loved MST3K and I can always see the quality of intent in a bad movie. Movie's are not easy to make, the worst movie ever made was a two year pain-in-the-ass to make, Slithis, for all it's shortcomings required love of somebody to make it to the big screen because movies are just damn hard to make therefore I appreciate ALL movies, allright all movies but Speed 2, I mean, fuck that movie! So I see that there are two clearly bad movies playing at that movie theatre that used to be on Ohio, the one that Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones opened at that's no longer there; Anaconda and Volcano.



At the time, and still today I'm a notorious sneak, pay for one movie at 11am, and don't leave the multiplex until 6 movies later at midnight. I've probably stolen 200 movies in the last 8 years in Chicago. So I get all excited for a bad movie two-fer, Volcano & Anaconda, they both looked so awful but so much fun. So I paid for Volcano and it was SO FUCKING BAD I REFUSED TO SNEAK AND SEE ANACONDA FOR FREE, my heart, my soul could not take what could possibly be behind those doors. Volcano is the most awful movie in the history of mankind. YOU BLEW UP A BUILDING TO DAMN THE VOLCANO?!?!?! What???? And the irony of asking me, the audience member, sitting in a puddle of my own shit for two hours for CARE ABOUT WHETHER A VOLCANO DESTROYS THE TOWN THAT MADE THIS PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And care whether the star of BLOWN AWAY, THE CLIENT, COBB & BATMAN FOREVER dies??????? WHAT DUMBFUCK'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS GROSS MISJUDGEMENT OF HUMANITY?!?!?!!?!?!?!? Mick Jackson? Wait, he directed The Bodyguard and that was pretty good, and L.A. Story and that was pretty good, WAIT A SECOND!! YOU HACK, Steve Martin, Kevin Costner, and Lawrence Kasdan are responsible for those movies, they just needed a warm ass in the director's chair to push around, go direct another Oprah Winfrey TV movie you horrible horrible hack! And THE COAST IS TOAST?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I'll kill the guy who created that. Look how smug it is in it's knowledge that you will love it. Blow me.

Bottom line, I would not see a snake puke up The Midnight Cowboy until video.

One last thing, in researching 1997 on IMDB, I noticed that the porno "The World's Luckiest Man" came out in 1997 and I have to say that that is absolutely one of the best porno's every made. John Dough and 100 women, and they just sit around all day playing in the pool and taking turns fucking John Dough who just sits in a lawn chair the whole day. Great stuff, highly recommended, rent that, Batman & Robin, and Ulee's Gold all in one night for the complete 1997 experience.