Sex Ed

Sex Ed

This show we're doing live this Saturday is a show we wrote at the last writing retreat, but got swept under the rug. I was a way better show than what we were able to make it into in the course of rewriting and editing. So we had the idea to produce it as a live show and make it work the way we knew it could.

So we're working on it last night and couple ideas came together, we always had the idea that Lisa of Lisa & Janet (Lisa get's Janet and online date in Zodiac and Lisa and Janet make a awful flirtatious overture to Ira Glass in Diner) sounds like she's having an orgasm when she laughs, random idea. But then last night Katie Watson was talking about potential new ideas in this show and one of them was how poor the government sponsored Sex Ed was, and how it's abstinence only. So then we made Lisa the Sex Ed instructor so that Prinicipal Back and Coach Koch are always asking her to describe certain things and then tittering like little school boys.

Which got us on the topic of Sex Ed

Supposedly everyone's blogging about their Sex Ed experience today. I didn't have one. But since I have had sex, obviously I've been educated in it. SO how did I learn?



The year was 1986, and I'd only seen naked women in Richard Jones' extremely well thumbed issues of High Society slid into my bag on the bus in a trapper keeper folder stuck in between issues of Mad and Fangoria Magazines as camoflage. But I didn't know exactly how sex worked. Oh, I could guess, but I didn't know exactly. The real education would be when I got my hands on the Holy Grail of porn, VIDEO. That was the undiscovered country, watching real people have real sex. There were screencaps of porn movies in the video review section of the magazines (including a lot of Tracy Lords movies at the time) and those fascinted me more than any of the centerfolds. Porno has always been like Sci-Fi to me, this weird fantasy world where everybody can have sex. It's not real, it's in come galaxy far away that has a huge output of documentaries on their universe. I realized recently how much those screencaps stuck with me when I saw a porn trailer and saw an exact image which I knew and had obviously been in one of those screencaps I obsessed on twenty years ago.

But video porn was impossible to find in Lewisburg, Oh as a 13 year old. Then one day it happened, a friend of Mike Ballard's who lived way out in the country had a satellite dish which got everything, including two porn channels, the TuXXedo network, and another network which I forget the name of because I only saw that tape once.

Then the rumor started, we have video. Repeat, we have video confirmation of the sex act. WHEN CAN IT GET IT?!?! Don't know. The leadup to actually watching real sex caught on video was unbearable. Finally Mike got his hands on a couple videos and after he got his use out of them gave me one. Now I had to wait until my parents were out of the house, which seemed to take weeks. One day my Step-Father was out mowing the lawn and my Mom was planting flowers and I threw it in the VCR for just a glimpse. It was great, just a glimpse, such a memory. And then one day they left and I watched Beyond Desire in it's entirety starring Seka in full punk mode haircut common to "new wave" porn at the time. TuXXedo was a double-x network, no penetration but I got the idea. Also on the tape was If My Mother Only Knew with Amber Lynn (god what a perfect name for a porn made in '86), and on the tape was brief segment of Hyapatia Lee in Tasty. Later the video pipeline opened up and I finally saw my first XXX porn, The World According to Ginger. Pretty mind blowing stuff for a 13 year old. And Peter North blowing stuff for Ginger Lynn (boom! zinger! I'm on fire when I'm talking about the porn)

So that was my sex education. And why? Because my school didn't support it as a curriculum because Christ would prefer that I find out by watching Amber Lynn fuck Randy West. Hey, way to go Christians, you've once again got this one down.



According to the subcommittee investigations set up by Nixon and Reagan these videos have no negative effect on me, but according to Nixon and Reagan, they do. So take your pick.

As a sidenote, to this day I can't watch porn made before '85 or after '93, it lost something after that. Porn to me is more about nostalgia and the films and stars of that time than it is about sex, that's fun too but it's, it's, I don't know, it's sci-fi. And as a film fan there's something extremely enjoyable about the presentation that the movies had back then, the uncommitted improvised dialogue mixed with some of the actors who present the dialogue with such conviction, the production design (you will see the same locations and hear the same music over and over), and the fact that all the same people are in every movie. It's like the studio system of the 40's in someway, more stars than the heavens.