The Worst Job I ever Had (the many temp jobs of Adam Witt)

There's a place on Wacker Dr. going North from the loop, where it hits the river and starts going East. A shitty place to spend your smoke breaks. Staring at Wacker where it curves. Inside this building is a cheap jewelery wholesaler who has all these cheap little stores that they put in places like Bowling Green, Ohio where nobody’d know the difference.

The Main Office of this Mega corporation was so small. Like a one bedroom apartment. The whole office and BREAK ROOM were all in the same room. So at some point when the cubicles that were stuck in between filing cabinets (leaving some businessguys only a 1 in 10 chance of getting out of their desk with their businessguys knees intact. At the end of all the hallway created by the space in between desk and in between filing cabinets was a glass partition and 20 Asian women all speaking asian in a room the realistically could fit 12 if you took the two bad seats with your back to the vending machine. They all worked sorting diamonds in the diamond area.

This was a people-first kind of place.

I worked with another buy, a black kid, and the only thing I remember about him was that he went to GNC at lunch and came back with like a billon millgram Vitamin E, because it makes you able to screw longer. Never heard that since.

This is unbelievable, so there we are sorting out complaints and we put one color highlighter in an interoffice envelope and put it in one postal bin and another color highlighter in another interoffice envelope and put that in another postal bin. Exciting stuff, huh? Once our fascination with the job and our drive to do it better wore off Mr. All-night-long and I started talking, then joking, then having a good time, and then we got SHUSHED! The woman in charge of telling us what to do (and answering any questions should a highlighter of a third color show up) SHUSHED us! Like we were in fourth grade. Now, of course we were loud, their stupid upper management shoved all of these fearful underground dwellers in the smallest office in the world! You numbskulls! Who would work for this company, hey, I’m just here for a few days, you people have committed. Oh, they were so sad.

Okay, anyway, so The Coked Up Boss. So I knew they weren’t spending money on real estate, and then one day I figured out where all the money was going. We got SHUSHED by The Big Guy. He was so 45 and bald and overly Florida Tanned because he vacationed all the time because all the money went to him and he was so coked up and angry, so angry. And I guess Mr. Dickhard and I were being too loud too often so Mrs. Pleasedontfireme calls on the big guy, who comes in an tells us to shut up like your Mom would when you’re 13 and you know everything and you’ve pushed your her to the end of her rope during an all-day mall outing.

So later I’m looking for a phone, because they were all at desks with people in this tiny place. So I wander into, what I later assume was the luxuriously large executive lounge and make a call from what I later assume was the executive phone, and the Coked-Up guys busts me and assumes I’m stealing money. And treats me like a guy he caught trying to steal money! I’ve never been yelled at so bad in my life. I went back to my sorting job, only to have the Coked-Up guy walk to the door and point to me “that’s the guy” he says as a security guard escorts me out of the worst job I ever had.