Feed your inner Tyler Durden

How smart are these guys? Evidently, due to great oversight from many bookstore chains 1984 has been shelved in the wrong section! You all must help! If you go into a bookstore and they have 1984 in fiction, please reshelve next to Bush Books in the non-fiction or political sections.



Insert your Ministry of Reshelving card, then take a picture and send it to their flickr file so that the Ministry of Reshelving knows you're doing your part for freedom.

Freedom is Slavery
War is Peace
Ignorance if Strength

POWER ON!

Sorry I've been away for so long but I had a wedding in Cleveland, a Schadenfreude Promo video, a new movie at my production company and a whole bunch of unacceptable sitting on my ass to accomplish. While sitting on my ass I watched Zentropa, Orgazmo, Dawn of the Dead (2004), Stander, Captain America (the 60's cartoon), Captain Power (yes, that Captain Power, can you tell I went to the comicon?) Gamera (2001), Cutey Honey (live action, 2003 and perhaps the greatest movie ever made), The Aristocrats, Dukes of Hazzard (perhaps the greatest movie ever), 40 Year old Virgin (Funniest movie since Ron Burgundy), and the 1980's toy tie-in classic animation, Visionaries: Knights of the Magical Light. Oh and a ton of Monty Python, and Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 3, and the Daily Show DVD set. So. Back to work. Tonight Schadenfreude meets for the first time since the last time, technically we are on sabbatical, but as you might notice have been meeting every week or so to guest spot in someone else's show, but tonight we actually get back together to talk sketch, specifically rewriting a few old sketches just in case we end up auditioning for the Aspen Comedy Festival, which is also what I'm creating a video for. I'm taking the concept vaguely put forth in the animation test that's up on the site somewhere and grounding it a little. Playing clips from the radio show of Phudi Mart, Ed Bus, and Dinnerbansky and Ross and tieing them together. I don't know how I'm going to do it and it's late. I've found all my audio clips but none of my video, I think I'm just going to use sample video to get the idea across for our meeting tonight. It's so late. I have got to stop sleeping though, too much time.

Star Wars in the park!

You Mowed Down His Cross

Wow.

You wonder what would make a man, a christian, no matter his opinion, drive over crosses representing the fallen. You wonder. I think we all know, and this is how truly dangerous the speech from the right-wing attack machine is, it's inciting, it's fire in a very crowded, very twitchy movie theatre full of armed citizens, murder of a "traitor" will be next, as the right more and more sharply defines the disagreeers as enemies of state, this civil war will get bloody. They have brought some dangerous people into their fold because a vote is a vote, no matter who gets hurt in the process, I think they've been pretty clear on that. Sacco & Vanzetti were unavailable for comment.

From Truthout.org

You Mowed Down His Cross
By Perry Jefferies, First Sergeant, USA (retired)
t r u t h o u t | Letter

Thursday 18 August 2005

Mr. Northern:

I am a Veteran of the Iraq war, having served with the 4th Infantry Division on the initial invasion with Force Package One.

While I was in Iraq, a very good friend of mine, Christopher Cutchall, was killed in an un-armored HMMWV outside of Baghdad. He was a cavalry scout serving with the 3d ID. Once he had declined the award of a medal because Soldiers assigned to him did not receive similar awards that he had recommended. He left two sons and a wonderful wife. On Monday night, August 16, you ran down the memorial cross erected for him by Arlington West.

One of my Soldiers in Iraq was Roger Turner. We gave him a hard time because he always wore all of his protective equipment, including three pairs of glasses or goggles. He did this because he wanted to make sure that he returned home to his family. He rode a bicycle to work every day to make sure that he was able to save enough money on his Army salary to send his son to college. At Camp Anaconda, where the squadron briefly stayed, a rocket landed inside a tent, sending a piece of debris or fragment into him and killed him. On Monday night, August 16, you ran down the memorial cross erected for him by Arlington West.

One of my Soldiers was Henry Bacon. He was one of the finest men I ever met. He was in perfect shape for a man over forty, working hard at night. He told me that he did that because he didn't have much money to buy nice things for his wife, who he loved so much, so he had to be in good shape for her. He was like a father to many young men in his section of maintenance mechanics. They fixed our vehicles with almost no support and fabricated parts and made repairs that kept our squadron rolling on the longest, fastest armor advance ever made under fire. He was so very proud of his son-in-law that married the beautiful daughter so well raised by Henry. His son-in-law was a helicopter pilot with the 1st Cavalry Division, who died last year. Henry stopped to rescue a vehicle belonging to another unit on what was to be his last day in Iraq. He could have kept rolling - he was headed to Kuwait after a year's tour. But he stopped. He could have sent others to do the work, but he was on the ground, leading by example, when he was killed. On Monday night, August 16, you took it upon yourself to go out in the country, where a peaceful group was exercising their constitutional rights, and harming no one, and you ran down the memorial cross erected for Henry and for his son-in-law by Arlington West.

Mr. Northern - I know little about Cindy Sheehan except that she is a grieving mother, a gentle soul, and wants to bring harm to no one. I know little about you except that you found your way to Crawford on Monday night in August with chains and a pipe attached to your truck for the sole purpose of dishonoring a memorial erected for my friends and lost Soldiers and hundreds of others that served this nation when they were called. I find it disheartening that good men like these have died so that people like you can threaten a mother who lost a child with your actions. I hope that you are ashamed of yourself.

Perry Jefferies, First Sergeant, USA (retired)

Short-Haired Chick Friday: Teen Fantasy Edition

I know, she doesn't have short hair in that poster, Alyssa Milano is a recent convert to being a short-haired chick, and it's very welcome. I didn't drool over a lot of teen idols when I was a teen, with one huge exception, Alyssa Milano. Richard Jones (once again) was a major vagina-maven in our teen years and had all the teen chick mags. He floated me all the Alyssa ones. Soon, amongst the Friday The 13th, Halloween, Star Wars, Robocop, and Indiana Jones posters was a very significant ares of wall real-estate dedicated to this babe, including Alyssa's equivalent to the Nastassja Kinski Snake poster, the Alyssa In Hockey Gear poster. Oh the nights I spent with that as the last thing I saw before going off to sweet dreams.

And then, as if under the same executive decree that required Natalie Portman to cut her hair, she did me a huge favor and fell in line.



Hey, stop looking there, we're talking about her hair.

Actually before she buzzed it for that stupid show she's on right now she cut it short once before, does anyone remember Street Fighter: The Movie?



Never trust an action movie shot in Cleveland.

Supercalifragilisticexpialiafuckyou

What happened to the day when a double standard was enough standard? Fuck deficit reduction, I want standard reduction, how about one, your own.

Here's a bunch of liars and the lies they told because it fit the party line, they don't have their own opinions, they are robots programmed to lie and lie and lie. Get your own opinion you motherfuckers or I'm coming to Washington to pass legislation to legally let me strangle you all to death. Let Adam strangle you to death, or the terrorists win.

From Crooks And Liars

Here's what Republicans said about Clinton and Kosovo

Why did they second-guess our commitment to freedom from genocide and demand that we cut and run?

"President Clinton is once again releasing American military might on a foreign country with an ill-defined objective and no exit strategy. He has yet to tell the Congress how much this operation will cost. And he has not informed our nation's armed forces about how long they will be
away from home. These strikes do not make for a sound foreign policy."

-Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA)

"No goal, no objective, not until we have those things and a compelling case is made, then I say, back out of it, because innocent people are going to die for nothing. That's why I'm against it."

-Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/5/99

"American foreign policy is now one huge big mystery. Simply put, the administration is trying to lead the world with a feel-good foreign policy."

-Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)

"If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy."

-Karen Hughes, speaking on behalf of presidential candidate George W. Bush

Why did they demoralize our brave men and women in uniform?

"I had doubts about the bombing campaign from the beginning...I didn't think we had done enough in the diplomatic area."

-Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)

"You think Vietnam was bad? Vietnam is nothing next to Kosovo."

-Tony Snow, Fox News 3/24/99

"Well, I just think it's a bad idea. What's going to happen is they're going to be over there for 10, 15, maybe 20 years"

-Joe Scarborough (R-FL)

"I'm on the Senate Intelligence Committee, so you can trust me and believe me when I say we're running out of cruise missles. I can't tell you exactly how many we have left, for security reasons, but we're almost out of cruise missles."

-Senator Inhofe (R-OK )

"I cannot support a failed foreign policy. History teaches us that it is often easier to make war than peace. This administration is just learning that lesson right now. The President began this mission with very vague objectives and lots of unanswered questions. A month later, these questions are still unanswered. There are no clarified rules of engagement. There is no timetable. There is no legitimate definition of victory. There is no contingency plan for mission creep. There is no clear funding program. There is no agenda to bolster our overextended military. There is no explanation defining what vital national interests are at stake. There was no strategic plan for war when the President started this thing, and there still is no plan today"

-Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)

"I don't know that Milosevic will ever raise a white flag"

-Senator Don Nickles (R-OK)

"Explain to the mothers and fathers of American servicemen that may come home in body bags why their son or daughter have to give up their life?"

-Sean Hannity, Fox News, 4/6/99

Why didn't they support our president in a time of war?

"Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the President to explain to us what the exit strategy is."

-Governor George W. Bush (R-TX)

"This is President Clinton's war, and when he falls flat on his face, that's his problem."

-Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN)

"The two powers that have ICBMs that can reach the United States are Russia and China. Here we go in. We're taking on not just Milosevic. We can't just say, 'that little guy, we can whip him.' We have these two other powers that have missiles that can reach us, and we have zero defense thanks to this president."

-Senator James Inhofe (R-OK)

"You can support the troops but not the president"

-Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)

"My job as majority leader is be supportive of our troops, try to have input as decisions are made and to look at those decisions after they're made ... not to march in lock step with everything the president decides to do."

-Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)

For us to call this a victory and to commend the President of the United States as the Commander in Chief showing great leadership in Operation Allied Force is a farce"
-Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)

Why did they blame America first?

Bombing a sovereign nation for ill-defined reasons with vague objectives undermines the American stature in the world. The international respect and trust for America has diminished every time we casually let the bombs fly."

-Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)

"Once the bombing commenced, I think then Milosevic unleashed his forces, and then that's when the slaughtering and the massive ethnic cleansing really started"

-Senator Don Nickles (R-OK)

Clinton's bombing campaign has caused all of these problems to explode"

-Representative Tom Delay (R-TX)

"America has no vital interest in whose flag flies over Kosovo's capital, and no right to attack and kill Serb soldiers fighting on their own soil to preserve the territorial integrity of their own country"

-Pat Buchanan (R)

"These international war criminals were led by Gen. Wesley Clark ...who clicked his shiny heels for the commander-in-grief, Bill Clinton."

-Michael Savage

"This has been an unmitigated disaster ... Ask the Chinese embassy. Ask all the people in Belgrade that we've killed. Ask the refugees that we've killed. Ask the people in nursing homes. Ask the people in hospitals."

-Representative Joe Scarborough (R-FL)

"It is a remarkable spectacle to see the Clinton Administration and NATO taking over from the Soviet Union the role of sponsoring "wars of national liberation."

-Representative Helen Chenoweth (R-ID)

"America has no vital interest in whose flag flies over Kosovo's capital, and no right to attack and kill Serb soldiers fighting on their own soil to preserve the territorial integrity of their own country"

-Pat Buchanan (R )

"By the order to launch air strikes against Serbia, NATO and President Clinton have entered uncharted territory in mankind's history. Not even Hitler's grab of the Sudetenland in the 1930s, which eventually led to WW II, ranks as a comparable travesty. For, there are no American interests whatsoever that the NATO bombing will
either help, or protect; only needless risks to which it exposes the American soldiers and assets, not to mention the victims on the ground in Serbia."

-Bob Djurdjevic, founder of Truth in Media

I rant therefore I am

I took an amazing class in college, Media Analysis. Considering most homes have cable, and most cable has between 36 and 500 channels, there's a lot of media, and a lot of message, so I've always been an advocate for Media Studies as a requirement in High Schools, kids should be taught to pick apart the message they're being delivered whether it's buy cereal, buy a car, or buy our justification of bombing Iraq. My two new favorite websites are very effective at picking apart the message.

http://mediamatters.org/

http://www.newshounds.us/

Here's two more proposals I wish the next Democratic Candidate would pick up .

Media Analysis as a required class in high schools. Fuck typing, cancel that shit, our children deserve better than what the media gives them. Pick the other side and try and justify why this shouldn't be taught, I don't think you'd win in a debate.

An FCC requirement to label television programs as Entertainment or News. And "News" should be monitored by a Federal Agency who fact checks everything seen in the above website. It's not fair that this stuff should go out as news when it's actually entertainment. How dare the Michelle Malkin'sof the world claim to be serious news analysts, you're an entertainer, just like Michael Moore, or maybe not, if you set up an agency to fact check "news" who would win, Michelle Malkin or Michael Moore? How come Michael Moore if considered a headline grabbing opportunist for the "radical left" and Michelle Malkin is a serious news analyst? You're the fucking dumb little pixie that I sat next to in Mass Com class who dreamed of being a local news anchor and has aligned herself with the best way to get famous, if there had never been a Rush Limbaugh and a Newt Gingrich you would be a fucking weather girl on El Paso channel 6.

What's funny is that the right supposedly hates the "famous" and "rich" like Tim Robbins. How much money you makin' on your stupid new book, Michelle, who gets more TV time Michelle, you or Susan Sarandon? And didn't you all essentially vote and continue to support the White House version of Tori Spelling? He's the son of a rich famous guy, he worked as hard for his lead role as Colin Hanks did for Orange County!! If you've ever said "I hate rich, famous Hollywood types, I love George Bush" You are a fucking idiot and should have your balls irradiated to prevent you from spilling your seed in any vagina on earth.

And WHAT THE FUCK IS THE RADICAL LEFT?!?!? You mean the Weather Underground? That's the last time the Left was radical, and I *believe* they've disbanded. You mean the radical left that wants universal health care? Holy shit, hide your kids! What about the radical right, Tim McVeigh, Eric Rudolph (1996 Olympic Park bombing), James Kopp (1998 abortion doctor shooting), and the 70 or 80 militias that started in the 90's, All stoked by the right-wing to defend their nation against...uh, Universal Health care.

I hope Michelle Malkin falls off a cliff. I don't want her to die, just bounce a lot on the way down.

The only great thing about all this is that the Right Wing message is getting more fevered, more wrong, more angry, more victimized, way dumber, and oddly...more confident. It's a wonderful recipe for epic public disaster that ought to set them back forever. Plus The White House is in deep shit, and these dumbshits are contractually obligated to spin every disaster, and disaster is on the way

You are supposed to be for the people, not above them

Mmm, Dissent, the other side of the argument, I love that there's another side of all arguments, a weaker or stronger side. If I've learned one thing from Schadenfreude, it's an intense love of Democracy at it's theorectical core. "You've got a better idea? Prove it, if you can, you win." To get an idea accepted you've got to be prepared, fight hard, and you better truly have a better option, because your argument will be tested, intensly. Bush needs to go a couple rounds with Kaufmann on what's funny and what's not.

Who would you trust more, someone who's willing to discuss the issue, or someone who refuses to because they're right? If you've got such a good argument, why would you need to cheat? The right wing propagandists need to be attacked for their move to stifle debate as very obvious evidence they're hiding something. Let's use their tactics on them, stifling debate is unamerican. There, now who's the dick? See, remove their ability to use that tactic by calling it unamerican, and the catch is, IT IS UNAMERICAN!! Could anyone who seeks to hush any side of an agrument be honest? Isn't that a sign, if not THE sign, of dishonesty? "We'll open the discussion for debate, but keep in mind if you take the other side, you are the devil...okay, opening comments, or do we just want to vote?" And they hold debate on issues and candidates to the same standard. Remember how they came out against the Democrats for fielding a candidate, remember when that was UnAmerican?

I think the word "Un-American" is Un-American. Why can't the Democrats come out and say that? They want to speak in syllogism, then shove it up their own asses? How could some component of the phrase House UnAmerican Activities Committee not be harshly scrutinized? Dissent has pulled us back from the brink from the most gruesome uses of Patriotism, and publicly embarrased people like Joe McCarthy, who was taken seriously for many years, hurting thousands. He could not be questioned, for it was unpatriotic to do so. I know you all know this, but why do we insist on repeating history? Actually, why do we insist on repeating Germany's history????

Name the last time Patriotism brought any good? World War II? It probably did raise some war bonds, but then World War II is the Star Wars of wars, everybody likes it, you don't even need to put it on the list, it's hard to come down on the side of Hitler unless you view him as the patriot who started the war, Patriotism put Asians in concentration camps, and it was to blame for the prolonging of the war. No matter which side you take on Hiroshima, you can blame Patriotism either way. Fascist Italy, like all fascism can be blamed on Patriotism. Let's start a War On Fascism in this country, Hilary should list off the 13 signs of Fascism, come out against it, and ask for any politician to take the other side, the Republicans would have to take the other side, right? See, shove their tactic right up their asses. Thoughts, I'll put it up for debate.

Coming Soon...

A little explanation is in order for the piece of video that can be found on the front page of the site. It's supposed to look animated, but it's really small, so now it kinda doesn't. Anyway, the way it came up is that we have been discussing the future direction of Schadenfreude and something I've been particularly obsessed with is Rotoscope animation, or the type of animation you see in Waking Life.



I thought it might be a unique take on scenario comedy. So I started brainstorming with my friend Ryan at BODC Labs, a small indie post-house, of a way to simulate Rotoscope without the pain-in-the-ass of keyframe animation. So what you're seeing is our first application of a process we call Fauxtoscope. It's overlayed on video that can be found elsewhere in the site, however, being that it's so small on the site, you kinda can't tell there's an animation overlay anyway.

HOWEVER I BEG OF YOU



to sit through exactly two minutes to see the digital tracking shot out of the Dinnerbansky & Ross Building. One of the great things about Fauxtoscope is that it obscures all the errors that call the human eyes attention to digital creation, giving you unlimited opportunities for cheap in-house special effects. Also because it cuts the whole image down to 30 or 40 colors, it's easier to pull mattes, so there's actually no reason to leave the house to shoot an entire show in several hundred locations, or even do a show that is merely a re-enactment of the last 24 minutes of True Lies.

One long running joke that can only be shown digitally is the D&R Building, one of two objects that can be seen from space. The size of the D&R building has always been a long-running joke for us, but one so visual that it has never made it to stage or radio, In scale miles, the picture you see of the D&R Building is 1 mile away. The building is taller than those Malaysia Buildings and on the bottom thirty stories are longer than an AirCraft Carrier. Only in the digital domain.

Anyway, thought you'd find that interesting, however ineffective the whole thing might be on the site.

Coming Soon...

A little explanation is in order for the piece of video that can be found on the front page of the site. It's supposed to look animated, but it's really small, so now it kinda doesn't. Anyway, the way it came up is that we have been discussing the future direction of Schadenfreude and something I've been particularly obsessed with is Rotoscope animation, or the type of animation you see in Waking Life.



I thought it might be a unique take on scenario comedy. So I started brainstorming with my friend Ryan at BODC Labs, a small indie post-house, of a way to simulate Rotoscope without the pain-in-the-ass of keyframe animation. So what you're seeing is our first application of a process we call Fauxtoscope. It's overlayed on video that can be found elsewhere in the site, however, being that it's so small on the site, you kinda can't tell there's an animation overlay anyway.

HOWEVER I BEG OF YOU



to sit through exactly two minutes to see the digital tracking shot out of the Dinnerbansky & Ross Building. One of the great things about Fauxtoscope is that it obscures all the errors that call the human eyes attention to digital creation, giving you unlimited opportunities for cheap in-house special effects. Also because it cuts the whole image down to 30 or 40 colors, it's easier to pull mattes, so there's actually no reason to leave the house to shoot an entire show in several hundred locations, or even do a show that is merely a re-enactment of the last 24 minutes of True Lies.

One long running joke that can only be shown digitally is the D&R Building, one of two objects that can be seen from space. The size of the D&R building has always been a long-running joke for us, but one so visual that it has never made it to stage or radio, In scale miles, the picture you see of the D&R Building is 1 mile away. The building is taller than those Malaysia Buildings and on the bottom thirty stories are longer than an AirCraft Carrier. Only in the digital domain.

Anyway, thought you'd find that interesting, however ineffective the whole thing might be on the site.

Don't Spit the Blood

We came prepared with bits, but boy did they not need them. I've known The Don't Spit guys, Brian Bowden and Steve Gadlin, for years as they are ex-Oxford, Ohio Tower Players. For those not in the know, that improv institution which has supplied Chicago with a plethora of talent. Andy Eninger (Band Geeks, Gayco), Heather Elam (Gayco), Matt Larsen (Paper Spaceship, Comedy Sportz), Larry Shure (The Playground), Becky Edridge (Band Geeks), Fred Mowery (WNEP), Stephen Gluck (WNEP), and many many others. Brian and Steve have put together a great show with a lot of talent which is a lot of fun. When we do a guest spot we come prepared with bits, but Steve, Brian, and the cast kept things so energetic from moment to moment that there was nary time, and when we did get into a bit, we were distracting from the energy of the show.

We did get one bit in, Justin claimed that he almost didn't make it because his doctor told him he shouldn't hold fluids in his mouth for long amounts of time, but he decided to forge ahead and play the game. He loaded his mouth with puke for the first one, and when he spit, it was gross vegetable soup puke. The last one, the speed round, Justin loaded his mouth with blood and sprayed me with it. I won a t-shirt they found at Walgreens that said "When God Created Black Women He Was Just Showing Off." Which is, like, the best t-shirt ever. Thanks for the good time Steev and Brian.

Short-Haired Chick Friday

So she stole some shit, so she's crazy, so it got to her, you still don't get any cuter than her in a pixie cut, or her in "Lucas," she's so damn cute in Lucas. Ah the price of fame.



adw

Okay, I'm calling time, it's getting out of control.

Wanna see something really scary?

Gives you shivers, doesn't it. I know, I know, it's Fox and of course they're insane and a right-wing puppet, but maybe that's what's so scary, I know these are Republican thoughts. These are the talking points, these are what they claim to believe to get more votes. They have gone so low. They are attacking the mother of a dead soldier. They really hate soldiers don't they. If an alien came down from space all of this would be tough to explain, they would just assume the administration has declared a war on soldiers. John Kerry didn't serve in Vietnam well enough, That guy in Texas who lost an arm and leg in Vietnam didn't serve well enough, and George, Don, and Dick didn't serve, well...

Please, put Bill O'Reilly on a night detail in Fallujah, please just give him one night of suppressive heat, live fire, strange approaching cars, the disdain of the locals, and a language barrier. Let's see you last the night cynical boy.

And scarier.

"in bed with the radical left?"

Meaning "bad." So the left IS bad, it's presupposed in that sentence. All things left are bad. All things in opposition to the administration are left. Opposing the war is left. The left is bad. Opposing the war is bad. When are they going to make that statement a little more concrete and actually intern the left in prison camps, that'll make people come to their sides, right? If you had a choice of Republicans or jail, you'd go R and rat on your friends, right? Listen to what he's saying. If you go to Michael Moore's website you sleep with the enemy, so much syllogism.

"Do you believe that we're a bad country and evil country."
"Do you have Michael Moore's view of the U.S.?"
"If you had to choose, would you go with President Bush or Michael Moore?"

Really, the radical left has kidnappped this one woman and brainwashed her to make her dislike war? They are crafty. I love how they've made the radical left this mythological creature. I wonder if they had to look long and hard for a woman who's son had died?

Evidently their problem with Cindy Sheehan is that she's politiciszing her son's death to prevent further deaths. I'm glad the right can put themselves above that, you know, POLITICIZING THE WAR!!!!

How cynical must you be to release talking points on this woman, and how much more cynical must you be to call her a flip-flopper on her opinion of her son's death. I hope Bill O'Reilly's son dies. Does that sound mean? Can it possibly be mean? I hop Bill O'Reilly's son dies

We pissed al over that stuffed-shirt parade

So did the Hideout last night, funny ha-ha. Dick jokes, sex jokes, we made fun of John Green's dick size, I used the word "wetback" onstage, and we dumped an entire cake on the floor. Everytime we do Funny Ha Ha at The Hideout I feel like Harpo at the Algonquin Round Table. There's Alexander Woolcott and Ben Hecht revealing the indiosyncracies of the world in a conversation wrought with pithy ironic well-formed sentences, and then there we are asking to be dared to see how much creamer we can drink. Whenever we get to guest spot in someone else's show we always have fun. We put so much pressure on ourselves when we do a self-produced stage (or radio) show that most of the fun is sucked out of the room, but when we do someone else's show we have a lot more fun and put less pressure on what people might think of this and just have fun.

For any SERIOUSLY OLD SCHOOL Schadenfreude fans, I did one of our oldest bits last night. "The Queer Ass and the Gay Cock" Which I believe premiered in our second show at the Heartland. In the Heartland I played an old man trying to read and old story written back when Queer (odd) and Ass (Mule) and Faggot (bundle) weren't dirty words. In this show I read it as a tribute to my Grandfather who's Grandfather read it to him. The real bit is shooting the audience an angry look when they would laugh at it, because the story of the Queer Ass (Odd Mule) and Gay Cock (Happy Male Chicken) is not to be laughed at! Show some maturity! It's an old story! The punchline is when I decide to read the story of the little Puppy who got fistfucked (that's what they called coal mining back then!), after which Stephe hit the music cue because it was ingrained in his brain from six years ago.

Steve Delahoyde has worked on a bunch of new videos. That guy has invented the best format for himself, just innocent, stream-of-consciousness, fun featuring him. The thing I like about Steve's videos is that nothing is a bad idea. He really commits to his ideas. I'm teaching a writing class right now and people are so judgemental of their ideas, so mistrusting of their own brain, it's amazing. It takes a while to open people up so that every idea is a good one. It all depends on where you take it.

Fun night, I would say you should've been there, but that would have made it more crowded.

Short-Haired Chick Friday

I like short-haired chicks, but you know who else does? Frank Sinatra.



If you haven't seen A Decade Under The Influence, it is a wonderful document of the bygone era of film known as the 70's, I could talk all day about it if I had the time. But in that movie there is a wonderufl behind-the-scenes shot of Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby so happy, jumping and laughing and dancing without a care in the world. She's so easy to fall in love with when you see that shot.



And then she married Sinatra and was fucked up for the rest of her life, adopted 800 kids, married Woody Allen and starred in all of his most boring films. Which brings me to the secondary topic of this short-haired chick Friday. Fuck Frank Sinatra. I've come to the realization lately that I hate Sinatra. You know who loves Sinatra, every meathead in Hi-Tops. It's cool or something, you're cool if you like Sinatra. It's the last vestige of those with no other personality to hang their hat on. Fuck Frank, big sexist prick, and I hate those songs, I love New York but I want to put a hot rivet gun to my head every time I hear that song. He was part of the Rat Pack, big deal so was Peter Lawford, and who cares about Peter Lawford. The only thing I'll give Frank credit for was the discovery of orbital theory of the atom in Particle Physics, oh wait, that wasn't Frank. Guess it isn't Frank's world after all.

Look how fucking cute these fucking kittens fucking are

So somehow my Mom and Justin's wife Julie psychically got on the same page about me getting a cat at the same time and started emailing me about it.

I am completely a cat guy.

The first pet I got when I was 5 was a black and white named Kitty Hawk, though because of her weird meow she would be dubbed Me-Me the rest of her life. It was the only cat we ever had that was allowed in the house (living in the country we had like 20 or 30 at one time). Loved that cat, best cat ever, it would talk every time you touched it and it liked me better than everybody else, slept with me, the whole nine. Then we got a dog, which I could take or leave. Then I got another black & white cat, a male named Pomponio, who was cool for like a day, then turned into steroid super uber male cat that nobody in their right mind would allow in the house. He was our first outside cat and proceeded to walk the woods and screw anything that moved leading us to have 20 or 30 cats, thanks Pomp. Pomponio would dissappear for up to two years at a time, then come back and hang out for a week, then leave for another year, each time coming back with a new ear gnawed off, a limp, an eye missing, tail crimped, each time he had obviously been in a new fight, and won. I don't think he ever lost. Pomp kind of sucked, but you had to admire him, I was way closer to some of our other cats, like BartholoMew, the cat so lazy he wouldn't get out of the way of the fucking car tire while we were backing up once, which was the perfect way to go for the laziest cat you've ever seen in your life, and it's not like we were backing up fast.

So I am getting closer to getting a cat, but never thought about getting two until Mom sent me this picture of two cats, male and female, black & white Pomponio & MeMe that are for sale. Super cute. Give them a home, Call 773-777-2891 or e-mail petraits@interaccess.com, but if you pick up the cats based on seeing them on my blog, you have to name the one without the dotted nose MeMe.

Technically 9-11 was a faith based initiative

Look at my left hand, look at my left hand, look, look, look over here. Slap.

I wholly support whatever you believe in, but don't believe a fucking word of this forced debate on intelligent design. You, Christian, are being used. Don't give it the time of day. It is a Rove-esque distraction of the highest magnitude designed to galvinize their side at a time when they are weakest. If you are a Christian you must support all Republican policies and this is a big attempt to say "You're still with us aren't you? Because remember, if you support one thing we support, you have support all the things we support." How do you like that? If you are a Christian, how do you feel about your religion being used to justify rich-ass Republican policies like this pork-barrell laden energy bill that was just passed? The 9 Billion of your tax dollars unaccounted for in Iraq. I'm sure Jesus would approve, or at least you better, if you're a Christian (therefore Republican) that is. Shit, even Jesus wasn't a Christian.



So will astrology be taught in astronomy class?

This is designed to convert, just like Prayer in schools (the hot topic that is SO next on their agenda), designed to convert kids to Christianity and thanks to the grand syllogism that is The Bush Administration, create young Republicans, because you can't be a Christian AND a Democrat, just like you can't disagree AND be a Republican, as Bill Frist has found out.

All I have to say about Intelligent design is, when did they stop teaching that in church? If you're a Christian, don't you get that in church? If your kids aren't being taught Intelligent Design, there's plenty of church's that will take you in, you should go and not redefine science based on political gain.

Is there no policy they can enact that is not 100% selfish? Are they ever going to get around to serving the people? And on top of that, they've taken away my right to disagree, I am now the enemy in another one of their enemy-creating syllogistic The Administration is awful at creating jobs but gangbusters at creating enemies, people for you to hate, pointing you in the other direction while they stick their hand in your pocket.

"Hey, you're TV's Pete Biagi"

I did my turn on the set of Paul Leuer's first feature film, Eden Court yesterday. Had my own trailer, well apparently I had Barb's trailer. The very nice Peter Biagi, of Project Greenlight 1 fame walked up and introduced himself to me and I said "Hey, you're tv's Pete Biagi", he laughed and said "Unfortunately." I also called Tom Lennon of Reno 9-11, "TV's Tom Lennon", Tom said the guild forced you to change your first name to "TV's" once you got a show.



I played a mechanic and I had two lines which, in total bit player cliche fashion, I worked on in my trailer all day, varying the emPHAsis on each read. Only to immediatly fuck those lines up during the take. Eden is a low budge film, so the setups are fast and they shoot fast, like a tv crew. So when I was finally called to set it was go time. Without being told where to stand I was tapped on the shoulder to enter and walked aimlessly about the frame fucking everything up. Kimberly (Williams, The Bride of "Father of the" fame) cracked up, which confused me further because I don't remember that being in the script. I was wrecked and flubbed the hell out of my lines and improvised to get over it, which prompted Tom to say "I don't remember that line."



Oh shit, "I'm that guy" I thought, that guy that inevitably ends up in all independent productions, the talentless friend of the director who's fucking the whole thing up. Now I was real flustered and was forgetting that stupid line. I did it again, this time knowing where to stand but I was awful, did it again, awful, but everyone claimed it was good and moved on, I really hope that take doesn't end up onscreen, in fact, as an editor, I know it can be cut out easily, actually both my lines can, the only reason to leave them in would be if they're good.



Paul is a good director, there's a common list of mistakes that first time directors make, from producing badly (not seeking creative solutions, not keeping the shoot moving, being rigid with their vision) to shooting badly (too many takes, not knowing shit about coverage) to directing badly (having no idea how to get what you want out of an actor, or more commonly, not knowing what you want, period), but Paul hit all his marks as a director. Since I fucked up, I got to be directed by Paul. Which is the first good sign of a good director, that his first instinct is NOT to direct me. Good director's let you go, then rein it in, or don't, good director's don't need to talk your ear off to justify their job. Woody Allen says a lot of director's do this because they feel guilty at how easy the job is. Secondly, when Paul saw that I was going awry, he came out and just sat down casually like we were going to talk about babes and conversationally, without ever telling what he wanted me to do, got me to do what he wanted me to do.



There's a great story in Bruce Campbell's first book about Sam Raimi directing Gene Hackman. With the possible exception of Darkman, Raimi had only really every directed his friends and nobody's, and now he was on this big movie with screen legend, Gene Hackman. Bruce Campbell was on set the first day and told Sam it would be a whole different world directing big stars with big egos, Sam didn't think so. Gene Hackman comes out and Sam says "Gene I want you to walk out the door, sit in the chair, look down the street, and doff your hat." Hackman says "I'm not doing any of that." Bruce Campbell laughed. Sam then proceeds over ten slow coersive minutes to convince Gene that all these movements were Gene's own idea. The first take, Gene walks out, sits in the chair, looks down the street, and doffs his hat. Sam turns to Bruce and says "who's the man?"

Congratulations Paul.