AFM Liveblog - 10:09am PST

Just processed a Buyer from Ecuador. There are twenty theatres in Ecuador and this ONE GUY decides everything they show. So now he's walking past producers that are trying to get at his checkbook. Like the producers of Razortooth!



That was pulled out of the goodie bag we give away here. Look again at the above picture to see all that is great about the AFM. Yes. They're selling Razortooth and Razortooth II, because you will have demanded it.

I'm like a kid in a candy store, I've been buying the AFM edition of the Hollywood Reporter for years, eyeing all the crazy-ass low-budge films that showcase here (the AFM was going on when Schadenfreude showcased at the UCB last year and I bought the Reporter at the Burgeois Pig Coffeeshop, where I was last night, actually.

And I love the Market for two reasons, I love the business aspect of how the industry REALLY runs. This industry isn't about Nicholas Cage's pay-or-play deals or J.J. Abrahms first-look deals or Eddie Murphy's Holding Contract which adds $20mil to the budget of any movie he's in, it's about Hostile.



...which I've seen and...heyyyy, wait a minute, did I just pay $250,000 for the Serbian rights based on similarity of title? There's a lot of that. Similarity to last year's hit is the AFM version of casting Tom Cruise. Similarity of poster, title, concept, and a good catchphrase can bag a dozen extra territories and up to a million extra dollars for films that are made for under $2mil.

If a limb falls in the forest, will anyone hear you scream? What a great tagline. Uh, well, the theory is correct, I'm sure someone will think it means something. It's no Humans are the highest form of Protein, but it'll do.

And the other reason I love the market is because I TOTALLY would watch Razortooth.

AFM 2006 Liveblog

So I'm sitting in an anteroom of the Loews Hotel in Santa Monica working badgestation 2 for the opening day of the AFM, and those silly rabbits gave me a computer with internet access.

It's not glamorous work, but for me it's all glamorous since I'm a little Hinkley about this industry in general. There are a couple different types of people at the AFM. Buyers, Sellers, and Industry Folk. Some people have films they've completed and are looking for distributors to pick up. Others, like the Italian gentlemen I chatted up earlier, have projects that they've completely packaged and are looking for foreign pre-sales. He has a script, poster, and cast attached. It's of a certain genre and budget range. He then takes this to the hundreds of foreigh buyers who are responsible for programming their theatres and video chains for all next year. China has ten or twenty distributors here with pockets full of cash. But what the Italian gentlemen is going for is China's, or Germany's, Sweden's guarantee to distribute. Sweden says "yes, Bloodkillers: The Revenge is in the genre that Swedes love, and it stars Dolph Lungren, who's very big in Sweden, plus the poster looks cool because it has Dolph Lungren on it in crosshairs, and we've never seen that before, so we agree to pick the film up for $200,000 upon completion. Here let me write it down for you..." The Italian gentlemen then gathers these various pieces of paper, one from every country if possible and takes it to his financiers, who he asks to invest in the film, knowing already that they're going to make money because the money's already there (theoretically). Cool, huh? This is where the phrase "big in Europe" comes from, because if you're an American actor, you are. To let you know how deep this goes, Roddy Piper and Billy Blanks have done something like a dozen action films that sell every year at the AFM. Ever heard of them? But the producers are not complaining.

Only a handful of the films exhibited here will you ever hear of. Crash> exhibited two years ago. Most of them will go straight-to-video in Germany, Spain, Italy, Poland, Uzbekistan, and with all that money cobbled together these films will make a very tidy profit. They're mostly action films or films with posters that look strikingly familiar to other films that were popular in the last year.



Shark Bait, from a new finance company called Velvet Octopus, coming soon to Helsinki, Prague, Ittenbieu, & Sakkar.

Cool huh? Be right back with a list of all the shitty films here at the AFM

What I'm Listening To Right Now

A Christian Perspective on Halloween, available at the best obscure album website find of late Scar Stuff

Mike Warnke is a comedian, in the loosest sense of the term, that lectures on how, while most holidays started as pagan rituals, Halloween is the only one that still retains it's pagan origins paying homage to evil spirits and ghosts and witches. And while the flaming tree of the pagan ritual of Saturnalia has been turned into the innocent Christmas tree ritual, Halloween still retains too much of it's paganinity, leading children to be seduced into worhsipping dark forces, or even Satan himself.

And why does Mike think this? Because he joined a Satan worshipping cult, drank blood, and prayed to dark forces...WHAT??? Allright, I may not be a regular churchgoer, I may enjoy the lectures of atheist Richard Dawkins more than most, but...it's a pretty big step to start worshipping Satan with a bunch of suburban douchebags and drinking blood. First I would have to get into worshipping anything. I think Mike's life choice speaks a little more about him and far far less about the holiday of Halloween. But that's just me. I mean...allright, whatever.

The funniest part is where Mike is talking about the drinking of blood mixed with wine because it's symbolic of drinking of Satan's blood, but NOW he drinks wine because it's symbolic of drinking Christ's blood. In defending Chrisitanity he ends up showing how it's all kind of the same pagan ritual, just dressed up in Church clothes. Literally.

But Scar Stuff has TONS of scary Halloween records, all free of charge until Virgin records decides to pick up the rights to Scary Spooky Sounds vol. 3.



And they have the greatest record of all time. MAN-THING, in Night of The Laughing Dead, which I previously covered in an older post.



Clowns, in swamps, killing themselves. By the way, if you click on the above link it will download the greatest piece of art in recent memory. Scar stuff also linked the below three albums with Man-Thing, click on them to download them as well.



Not your standard tales of Dracula, Frankenstein, and Wolf-Man, more Marvel Comics versions of them. Dracula's tale takes place entirely in the the snowy mountains. Kind of cool

Happy Halloween.

HOLY SHIT!

How did this come out with no fanfare whatsoever?? I've been waiting for this ever since they released the complete first season of Who's The Boss? Wow, the legendary first season of SNL. Sure we've seen Samaurai Delicatessen and Coneheads 100 times, but there's got to be so many gems in the other fifty minutes of those twenty episodes, and the live show in New Orleans!!!! When has that ever aired, even in shitty Nickelodeon truncated form. Oh, this is gonna be good. Damn why do I have no money and no job, must go to netlflix right now.

I'm in training for the AFM

And I'm not supposed to be on blogger.

Michelle L'amour says hi

I went to one of the coolest things I've ever been to last night, Lucha Va Voom. Mexican wrestling and burlesque dancing.



I was hipped to the whole thing by those hip mavens, Michelle L'Amour and her manager/compatriot Franky. What a cool event, great wrestling, great theatrics, and the coolest crowd outside of a Rent Party. This event has been going on for a couple of years, and it was the event that Jack Black and Jared Hess went to when they cooked up the idea of Nacho Libre, that's how it happens here.

Jeffrey Ross, Dana Gould, and another comedian who's name eludes me were situated at a table above the crowd and gave play-by-play of the event and threw out bits.

Michelle was the last dancer before the midget wrestling, which makes her the headliner. She did the Snow White dance which can be found in the screening room. and knocked the crowd flat. The other dancers couldn't hold a pastie to the way Michelle had everyone all Tex Avery-ed.

My camera died, but here's a video of the event I found on youtube.



The midgets were amazing, they had two of them dressed up like Water Buffalo's (they're in Nacho Libre as well) and they were awesome! You've never seen such high flying feats, and the people ringside got a face full of thrown midget more than once, these midgets were thrown like fifteen feet into the crowd. Amazing entertainment.

Hey, Schadenfreude, I got an idea for the next Improv Festival...

Annnnnnnd...TIME!

Stop the clock. It took me exactly to two weeks and five days to discover the underground film scene in Los Angeles. I had the best friggin' time last night at The Beverly Theatre's Grindhouse Film Festival watching The Forest and Don't Go In The Woods, two of the worst post-Friday The 13th Horror films you've ever seen, but with a loud and active crowd who digs their exploitation and isn't afraid to shout out "in a galaxy far far away!" when the actor who looks just like George Lucas says "it was a long time ago."



It was populated with what Bart refers to them as "Hipster Doofuses", little guys with the tight pinstriped pants, sideburns, and Tom Landry hats. If I hadn't met all the same people at 100 times at underground film functions in Chicago I'd chalk them up to eccentric L.A. people, because L.A.'s so weird, but no, they're just Rusty Nails with a different Ramones patch. Actually, the Rusty Nails of Los Angeles introduced himself to my outside in-between features. He was trying to hard with the look and said "Hi my name's Tom Murder." It's so funny when indies give themselves fake names. Maybe it was Adam Death, or Rob Graverob, hey that one's kind of clever. Let me go get a jeans jacket, some pins, and a Rancid patch and I'll be right back.

Is my temp agency between a Ferarri Dealership and a Lexus Dealership?

Yeah, and if you walk past Brillstein-Grey Entertainment or the ICM building, you've gone too far. I went a temp agency yesterday that does only movie industry staffing, I put all of you as references, so if they call, be sure to tell them how frequently I update my blog and how often I link to your blogs, like constantly. Yes it was in Beverly Hills and yes it was between Ferrari and Lexus dealerships. One rumor that's true, besides the amazing weather. is that there's a lot of rich motherfuckers here, and it's very humiliating waiting for a city bus in front of a Lotus Dealership. You've never felt poorer when walking past a Lotus Dealership.



Looks like it transforms into Bumblebee, doesn't it?

But, once off the street, the temp office looked like a temp office, the woman who helped me, the office manager, was the sweetest woman ever and looked like she was from Wisconsin, normal people. I knew they were staffing for the American Film Market, the world's biggest independent film marketplace. So I practically begged because I've wanted to go to the AFM since I started reading about it ten years ago, she liked that I was the one temp she's met that was excited about being staffed at the AFM. Which is where I'm headed now. On a bus. For three hours. Sigh. Gonna have to get a car. I can hear Kate's "I told ya so's" shouted like Crazy Aunt Judy through the fiberoptic lines right now. The sound of members of Schadenfreude exchanging $20 bets accompanies it.

Okay, gotta go, gotta go check Lloyd Kaufman in, by the beach in Santa Monica.

Bart saw Borat!

Bart went to a wedding in Santa Monica, some high-class place called Shutters(??), which I should know if I'd lived here for a while. It's pretty populated by celebs. Bart saw Sasha Baron Cohen there and Sasha was pretty uneasy about being approached. Bart and I talked about how it's tough for people to be almost unknown one day and then can't walk the street the next. Then when I asked Bart in more detail about their interaction, he said that Marth saw him and shouted "BORAT!", then Bart turned and saw him and shouted "BORAT!" Whereupon Sasha promptly ran out of the room. Bart chased him.

Gee, I wonder why he was uneasy. Funny story though.

I was very bummed Friday night, 6 to 8 because I knew a Rent Party was going on and I wasn't a part of if, the show went well, and now I have to wait for the video like everyone else.

But I quickly took my mind off my homesickness by going to an after-party for the film I produced in Chicago, Heaven's Fall, which played at the Arclight and I got to meet a lot of familiar faces at the Velvet Margarita in Hollywood, a restaurant bar that looks fancy enough that I shouldn't be allowed in, yet is never too crowded. I saw some familiar faces from the movie and talked to some of them that live here and are making a living in production, I'm emailing my resume to a few of them, networking, networking...

I went to an art opening for Bart's friend, who has done digital effects for six years on Spider-Man. How cool. That's the sort of people you meet around here. The house was up in the hills, which one's I don't know because I'm not completely familiar with the place all I know is that it was easily a 75degree incline to get to their place, but once you were there it was like standing on a well-populated cliff, looking across the valley at more well-populated cliffs.

Then we went over to Lenny's and played poker. The Amazing Larry J came along, and I got to meet a few more people, one of which is producing a pilot for E!, so I'm emailing her my resume, networking networking...

Uhhh, and that's it except for the Sunday night cheer-up call from my Mom, who wants me to call Conan O'Brien and ask if they have any openings for writers, I told her I'd call after I called the Scrubs people, unless they post it on Craig's list. Headed back to Scott Sternberg to finish up the sizzle reel after I send out some more resumes. I can't wait to have a life here. Thanks for everyone for the kind word in all the recent talkbacks. Something will happen here. Something always does.

Just when you thought it was dead, it's SHORT HAIRED CHICK FRIDAY!

Sorry for the brief pause in the flow of short-haired chicks, please see yesterdays blog for my long star-fucking excuse.



By the way, today's Short-Haired Chick Friday is brought to you by THE SCHADENFREUDE RENT PARTY! Tonight, 8pm at the Gallery Cabaret, Todd Voorhies is throwing a Halloween Party and you're all invited, featuring a great lineup of three of my favorites Pete Grosz, Robert Buscemi (who was ridiculously funny at my roast), and the ever-wonderful Mike & Duane.



I was on the phone with the Schad crew while the wrote the show, I can't say I got any bits into the show, but I can't say they needed my help, there's some hilarious bits in the show, Kristopher Kriss won a genius grant and will be presenting the piece that cinched it, and Judy Barr-Topinka is going to debate Ed Bus. I'm jealous of all of you who are going to get to see this one first hand.



So I was going to post a SHCF on Nora Zehetner, which I'd just seen in Brick, but I'd already posted here, check it out here because she's super goddamn cute. Out of control, really.

But one short-haired hottie I'd never posted was Claire Danes.



Juliet herself, that chick in T3 herself, that chick in Mod Squad herself.



I don't know shit about her. I looked up her bio on IMDB and as far as I can tell she's boring. She's dating Billy Crudup, which probably won't force me to revise the previous statement, I can't imagine him being interesting.



Oh she was also voted by People as one of the 50 most beautiful people, thanks People, you're existence is validated.

So instead of talking about Claire I'll just let you look at pictures of her while I blab more about Los Angeles.



The coolest place I've been here so far is Long Beach, my friend The Unknown Blogger lives in Long Beach and it is the coolest goddamn area. It's only an hour away from L.A. by El (a term I refuse to stop using) and yet it's its own city. They have a whole bigass downtown and then this awesome walkable stretch with restaurants and bars, it's such a cool area and five minutes from the Beach. I loved it there, though I've been informed by many that all the punky short-haired chicks live in Silverlake, so I think I've found my home when I finally get an apartment.



I do not own a car, which is a huge pain in the ass, but my only other option was to save up for one and God knows when I would've moved to L.A. if I'd waited around for that. In the meantime I have mastered transit here, I'm currently crashing in the spare bedroom of Bart & Martha in Canoga Park which is this far from L.A., about 26 miles. In order to get into town I have to take the Saticoy bus two miles West to Topanga Canyon, take the Topanga bus two miles south to the Warner Center hub where they have this terrific new innovation called the Orange Line. Here's a concept that confused me for a while, it's not a train.



The Orange Line is a bus that has IT'S OWN ROAD. That's right, an entire 15 mile paved road used only by the Orange Line Bus. It only makes six stops and drops me off in North Hollywood where I get on the Red Line train that takes me into town. It's a pain in the ass, but you can get anywhere, you just have to alot 2 1/2 to 3 hours if you live in Canoga Park. But then you have to alot an hour and a half if you drive into town too, so, that's L.A.



Once I move to Silverlake to start ogling girls in Chuck Taylor's my transit woes will be eased. I found out that Dave Allen from Freaks and Geeks has never owned a car.

Greg Kinnear says hi.

Okay, so here's the whole story.

Last Thursday I had stayed up all night working on my resume, no sleep. At 10am, an hour after I sent my resume to Deluxe Film Labs (desk jockey job), I got a call back for an interview the following Monday. Then, desperately needing sleep and sick from several all nighters, I got a call for an interview for a job I'd all but written off...in an hour. So, with no sleep in hand, I borrowed Martha's car and drove to Studio City.

This was one of the coolest moments of living here so far. Driving down the 101, bumper to bumper, listening to Howard Stern on Sirius Satellite (which Martha has, not Bart, Martha). Very L.A. (I guess) So I get to the interview, but not before having coffee at a sidewalk cafe amidst four open Mac laptops, very L.A. (and very everywhere, like cell-phones, and bottled water). I interviewed and have no idea how well it went, but it was an online job and the guy had a lot of compliments for Schadenfreude.net, loved the site, layout, content, all the stuff we work hard on, but are never sure if anyone cares.

Then I drive home, have another in a series of wonderful home-cooked meals made by Bart and Martha.



More on my gracious hosts later, bottom line, I gave grace, that's right, me, got a little God up in me, Then I watched The Office reference a character called Ed Truck, uh, okay, am I supposed to think that's a coincidence or is there a fan of Schadenfreude infiltrating that production?...which is shot in my new town by the way.

I get up early the next morning to go learn as much as I can about Avid from Matt Lenhart who was finishing up his gig with The Naked Trucker & T-Bones Show.



So Friday, 9am I'm walking arond the Hollywood Central Lot, feeling cool, watching people gather for a Nissan Commercial, seing the backside of the sets for MADtv's upcoming shoot and watching all the raw dailies of Naked Trucker. Very cool. One thing about Naked Trucker, David Koechner earns every dollar he makes, he's just hilarious, and I got to meet Dave Allen, better known as Jeff Rosso on Freaks and Geeks, but I know him best as the Hippie in the episode of Mr. Show where they eat hippie pie at the end. Great guy, doesn't own a car, which we have in common. Matt Lenhart told Dave about Loco Pantalones, which I then had to describe to Dave, Dave found it very funny.

So I'm wandering around the Hollywood Central Studio lot admiring the plaque informing me that the first two seasons of I Love Lucy was shot right where I was standing. As I was trying to calculate the number of cigarrettes Lucy had likely put out where I was standing, or what private area nearby Ricky had taken Lucy to slap her, I got a call.

It was Barbara Pritchard, sister to Tommy, and greatest person on earth.



She hooked me up with an editing gig. Big time resume fodder. I ended my Avid lesson prematurely and headed over to Scott Sternberg Productions at the Raleigh Studios lot, across from the Paramount Lot.



So I edit for a day or two and then the show shot Monday, I was given another favor of being a set PA for that.

As I've said before, the shows they shot were Shoot-Out with Peter Bart and Peter Guber, which airs on AMC on Sunday Mornings and Square-Off with Andy Wallenstein and Brian Lowry which airs all the time on TV Guide Channel. It's crazy that I've been in L.A. for a week and already worked on Shoot-Out one of my favorite shows.

And who was on the shows that long long shoot day?

Clint Eastwood
Greg Kinnear
Paul Haggis
John Stamos
Anthony Lapaglia
Norman Lear
The Writers of Lost
and, of course, Peter Bart and Peter Guber.
And some others that I'm forgetting including some people from Fox Searchlight which I wanted to hug.

Why was standing inches from Clint Eastwood not nearly as interesting as standing inches from the writers of Lost for me? It's east to be in awe of Outlaw Josey Wales, except that guy wasn't here, nor was Dirty Harry, hell, even Firefox wasn't here, this was...that guy from Space Cowboys.



But it's more aweing to see the behind-the-scenes guys, these ordinary guys that nobody would ever bother in public, who could completely blend in, regular Joes, and yet they have affected Billions of people with he power of their brains...plus they're loaded. I stood next to some friggin' rich people on Monday. I've never stood next to so many people who had so much money and you'd never know, they're just people, no different than anybody else, except they all have guys in suits sewn to their ass. These agents are like...well, Agents, from The Matrix, the guys in suits and sunglasses. Fascinating town, but I find the L.A. stereotypes only go as far as agents, publicists, and Peter Guber who's very L.A. (I'm positive).

And then the acid kicked in.


Also the food served on the lot may be the best meal I've ever had next to Mom's chicken and dumplings.

Also Ugly Betty was shooting on the lot and I've never seen more vehicles.



Also Barb rocks, she's a Supervising Producer and she knows what she's doing and she is way in charge. It was great watching her work.



It was a really awesome week. If only you could make money having awesome times, although I guess that's the theory here, but in the meantime I've got to call some temp agencies.

It's a goddamn literal dreamland here. Nothing but dreams here, many of them fully realized, no place like it.

Clint Eastwood says hi...

Well, I haven't met him yet, but I will. The halls at Scott Sternberg Productions are alive with people at the crack of dawn. I always loved the crack of dawn because whenever you worked a shoot, that's when life began, lots of strangers coming together for one goal, to make the day. When i worked my nightshift at The Sears Tower I always loved the cracking blue of dawn because it reminded me of production, now, for the first time in seven years the crack of dawn reminds me of production because I'm a part of one. Barbie Pritchard, sister to Tommy and the greatest person on earth has really hooked me up. I stayed up all night logging footage for Square Off and now I'm working as a PA across the street at on the set for a double feature of Shoot Out with Peter Bart and Peter Guber and Square Off. Shoot Out is one of my favorite shows, and I have very few. It's so movie insider, I'm such a nerd that I'm as excited to meet Bart and Guber as I am Eastwood. Peter Guber was one of those guys I read articles about all the time when I was a burgeoning film nerd in High School, for some less than flattering info on Jon check out the book Hit & Run. I will probably meet none of the above, but seeing them from afar is good enough for me. Then back over here to finish the Sizzle Reel.

I interviewed for a job at Deluxe Film Labs which is a total desk job, but there's a financially flagging part of me that would take the job because I need that security to really get going here. But I think they could tell in the interview that I'm not the desk jockey type. Plus there's a drug test and I think they saw my eyes go wide at that. What can I say, I love Angel Dust.

It would be a shame to give up the awesome rush and fun of production for a desk job, but after this HUGE favor from Barbie Pritchard, who knows what I'll be able to scare up. There's also this writing job, but I was supposed to get him a sample yesterday and have been editing all night so I think i've blown that.

Hope you're all doing well.

Melrose & Van Ness

Hey guys,

I wanted to sum up Thursday-Monday in a nice long post because it was the most interesting five days I've had in a while and it really is crazy what can happen in a town where so much is going on, I'll lay out the details for tomorrow's post as I have to finish a writing sample for a job I interviewed for on Thursday (that's right, a writing sample, I might be paid to (gasp) write). That was the beginning of a cool-ass weekend. I'll keep the stove warm with pictures of my view Saturday and Sunday while I edited a Sizzle Reel for Square Off. Know you're Hollywood terminology: Sizzle Reel - a reel showing the highlights of a TV show usually to update producers or drum up advertising.

I was at Raleigh Studios on the corner of Melrose & Van Ness

Melrose


and Van Ness


But if you look closer...

Melrose


and Van Ness


There is no greater drug than seeing that Hollywood sign. When you live in Chicago it seems like something fake that means something fake, but when you're here and you see that sign, you know where you are and what is possible, and it really is anything.

Talk to you tomorrow, until then, keep dreaming.

Am I Overlooking the Hollywood Sign and the Paramount Lot?

Am I sitting in an edit bay being asked to edit a promo reel?

Did I get asked this during a random phone call while walking around the Hollywood Central Lot (MadTV, Naked Trucker) while watching Lenny edit the Naked Trucker?

Yes. I'll explain, but not right now. I just noticed they had ether-net here and had to check in. This has been the most random few days.

crazy. Hello, from Hollywood (not the street that intersects Ridge in Edgewater)

Shot-Haired Chick Someday

Hey lovers of boy-chicks. I'll try and get to it today because I just saw Brick and Nora Zehetner is GORGEOUS but I'm running off to the lot. Yes, the lot. So much is going on here right now. I'll let you know as soon as I can and bring the boy chicks.

!

Stick It Stephe!

You're not the only one with advanced Transformers picures. Bumblebee vs. Starscream! THIS MOVIE'S GONNA ROCK!

Vincent, we happy?

Oh yes. We happy. Check the shit out of this!

So the most anticipated movie of my life of the moment is Grindhouse by Quentin tarantino and Robet Rodriguez. I LOOOOOOOVE exploitation films, a love I completely got from Quentin Tarantino. I've followed the movies he picks for his QT Film Festivals in Austin and rented as many from the list as I could and bought the rest, this also led me to my OBSESSION with exploitation movie musicwhich has ruled my itunes before I had itunes.

Grindhouse is two films, one by RR and one by QT both in the exploitation genre and presented as an evening in one of the old grindhouse cinemas in Times Square or the Valley in the 1975 complete with trailers for other fake exploitation movies. Rodriguez's film is called Planet Terror.



And Tarantino's is called Deathproof.



Aren't you in love already? My favorite bit is "IN COLORSCOPE" on Planet Terror. Oh and the name of the one fake trailer I've heard about, Tarantino's Cowgirls In Sweden


Well.


We have a trailer. Granted it's just for Rodriguez's half of the film, but how friggin' cool does this look? Look how populated with exploitation stars it is. TOM SAVINI!

(singing) Gotta get a job gotta get a job gotta get a jooooooooob.

Hey all,

I've been busy as hell applying for jobs so I haven't had time to give you a blow by blow account of...well looking for jobs. I'm sure you're familiar with the concept.

JOBS I'VE APPLIED FOR

Assistant Office Manager for Taxicab Confessions
Writer for Movies. com
Writer for The Style Network
Production Assistant for G4's "Cheat!"
Production Assistant/Office Manager for "The Insider"

JOBS I WOULD'VE BEEN APPLYING FOR IN CHICAGO

Customer Service - Call Center
Account Manager
Sales Associate

JOBS I WILL PROBABLY END UP WITH IN L.A.

Customer Service - Call Center
Account Manager
Sales Associate

I've had so much help so far. Barb Pritchard, sister to Tommy (who can be seen stealing Stephe's bike in Biegfriend & Broy in the Screening Room), wife to "LA Ray" works at the TV Guide channel and has been snooping around for any positions.

Whoa, I just typed that and Tommy Pritchard just called, from Iraq. Weird. Tommy says hi. It's so weird that when I talk to Tom he's in Iraq, I feel honored that I'm on his list of people to call from the other side of the Earth. I've never been much of a pray-er, but do so for Tom every night.

I've had help from Connor Kalista who called out of the blue "to catch me before I became some L.A. asshole." He gave me the advice to call the studios to find out what temp agencies they use, clever guy that Connor. Connor, if you don't know, was one-half of the team that put up Robot Jox/Metalstorm at "It Came From The Neo-Futrarium." The other half was Sandy Marshall and they beat the fuck out of each other. I have video, but now my copy of Metalstorm is in an attic in Kentucky so I can't do the back and forth montage I wanted to. I'll get around to it.

I've had help from Tim Jennings, who's a producer at G4. Now this is an old Schad fan. Tim used to come to The Heartland waaaaay back in the day, I'll be going to see his show at IO next week. I'll tell him you say hi.

So everybody's looking out for me and it's all about getting the job until you get the job. I've also had an offer to dial for dollars to fund an indie film just like I did in Chicago. Its a Western starring Willie Nelson, Rip Torn, and Stacy Keach. Sounds like it might be worth it. The last thing I want to do is dial for dollars, but I have a feeling there's a lot more experience to be gained in distribution here than there was in Chicago.

I just wrote the cheesiest cover letter for Fox Studio's own in-house temp agency. Yes, Fox has it's own temp agency, and you have to send a headshot (that's a joke, but who wouldn't buy that). I'm embarrassed to publish it, but whatever, actually I'll just share the last line.

I’ve worked in deadline-driven, high-pressure environments and have enjoyed the results. I look forward to enjoying my results with your company.

Sincerely,

Adam Witt

Sincerely,

Me

David Brent returns!

I don't know what this is, some kind of infomercial or corporate things that Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant did, I'm assuming for a pile of money. I'm sure somebody will say sellout, but I'll take all teh David Brent I can get after the painfully short run of the brilliant original series.

L.A. - Day 3!

Well I've started to normalize and face the fact that I'm living in L.A. Nothing has changed, I still have to find a job and an apartment, just in this new place that's going to be hard to get around in.

Priorities:
Job
Bike
Apartment
Car
Career

Saturday Night I went to a party in North Hollywood to send Pete Grosz back to Chicago (PLEASE go to the Screening room and watch Pete play Tim Schadenfreude in the video sending me off to L.A., easily the funniest thing I've ever seen) It was very Chicago-ey dive bar called The White Horse. Everyone commented that it was the exception in L.A. Bars, very divey and non-hip hip. To make it feel more Chicago it was filled with Chicagoans Jill Benjamin, Frank Caetti, Brendan Hunt, Craig Cackowski, and Rich Talarico.

North Hollywood is Little Chicago. I always thought that's where I'd move just because Schadenfreude lived there last November when we auditioned for Aspen and I really like it. It's the Wrigleyville of L.A., the first place you move, then realize how big of a cliche you are, then leave for the outlaying regions. Upright Citizen's Brigade has a Theatre in NoHo (yes, they call it that, everyone wants to be a New Yorker), it's very close the El (which I will continue to to call it) and it's centrally located to get around easily without a car. From what I've seen on Craigslist it looks like North Hollywood is still fairly cheap, a cramped studio goes for about $750-$800 a month, or more, of course. I don't care how cramped it is, I own nothing and I'm not really here for the fancy living...yet.

But I was not alone at the White Horse. I was accompanied by Bart Kias, one-half of the team of Kias/Chaffin - the world's most receptive hosts for my fledgling L.A. ass.



And Mr. Matt Lenhart.



Who I met in my college improv troupe, The Tower Players. Matt is now an editor for the Comedy Central TV show The Naked Trucker and T-Bones Show, which Pete and Rich wrote for and, given my history of redneck comedy, I would be pretty good at writing as well, Randy and T-Bones would get along well. I stopped by Matt's condo in Studio City and watched an unmixed raw edit of one of the premiere episodes, which was funny...and odd.

It has been a while since I saw Mr. Lenhart and boy has his condo gotten nice. The last time I saw him his Condo was full of the futon-type decorations that tend to fill one's apartment after college and Matt complained endlessly about revamping the place...when he got around to it.



Well he did and obviously is suffering from some sort of Better Living ADD because he's now rebuilt his upstairs rooftop into a gorgeous redwood deck.



Way to go Matt. Someday I, too, will not be living in my friend's spare bedroom and may even have an awesome view of the Hollywood hills from my rooftop deck.



And then Bart, Matt, and I got stuck on the 101 from 1am to 2am, I think something exploded, maybe even a person, based on the smell.

Scared Shitless In Los Angeles

Hey all, I was working on Short-Haired Chick Friday and got a little frustrated at the dial-up modem. Yeah..., my caretakers, Bart and Martha, the two thirty-year-olds with the eighty-year-old names have been slow getting around to that, but rumor has it the high-speed package is due to arrive in the next few days.

So really I just wanted to check in and say I highly recommend clairedanesfan.com

So I've landed, now the work begins. Jesus...did I just move to L.A.? What the fuck is wrong with me? Couldn't I have just been happy with Chicago? I guess that's not me, maybe if things had worked out differently on several job fronts I'd still be there, but maybe those job fronts were meant to fall apart for this reason.

As I sit here now scared shitless I remember the reason I didn't move to L.A. for many many years. Where would I start once I got here? My goal is to connect with as much industry as possible out here, but what street do they hang out on? Where's the line you stand in? It's all social networking, but where's the party? These things take time. I hate things that take time. A good shit doesn't take time, a good fart even less. Which brings me back to the question I ask the most. Where can I find a job where I can get paid to shit?

Luckily I have some friends who have offered to introduce me to to some other friends who maybe know people who maybe know jobs, so it'll all get going, but right now I'm in that "oh shit, I've made a terrible error" phase. I've burned my ships at the shore, now I have to make this work. Maybe I'll get everything I want out of moving to L.A. tomorrow and be done with it.

Well, I miss you Chicago. It's legendarily not very comfortable and impersonal here, doubly so in somebody else's house while they're at work. It's all very overwhelming right now and I see why so many don't come here. The distance from The Burbank Airport to Bart's house was the distance from Gary, IN to Skokie, and it's all in Los Angeles. Yup...gonna have to get a car... But I'd rather walk to the Bryn Mawr stop, watch another condo get poured, and then ride the train to within a block of where I need to interview for a job.

I got a funny call before I left, which is what I was writing about when my parent's computer crashed. I answer my phone a nervous wreck two days away from moving away from Chicago.

Hi, Adam, this is RANDOM INTERN from the Midwest Independent Film Festival...

The Midwest Independent Film Festival is a festival run by one of my favorite people, MIke McNamara. It used to be super-small and take place at Excalibur on the first Tuesday of every month. Now, a lot of stumping for sponsors by Mike laster, it's much bigger and takes place at The Landmark the first Tuesday of every month. They get some really great talent and Mac is a great host, however, the last 400 Tuesdays of mine have been taken up.

I just wanted to let you know that we're holding a free pass for this Tuesday's event...

At this point, as always, I interrupt to tell him I can't make it.

Oh well, hopefully next month we'll see you come out and support truly independent film...

Usually this is where I say "sure, cool, I'll see." But I was honest with him and said I was moving, to which he said....

You are? You're not moving to Los Angeles are you?

Uh, yeeeeeah...

(sigh), Oooookay (click)

Funny.

Repeat: Originally Published March 11, 2006

I wrote a whole blog today, but my parents 1996 Cherry Red Imac crashed in mid-blog, and it was a brilliant blog too, I'll rewrite it on the plane tomorrow morning at 11am .

In the meantime here's a film related repeat:

Holy Shit am I Trashed: Austin Day 3

So we're standing at the red carpet waiting for the limo to arrive, delivering Robert Altman and Meryl Streep. We're ten minutes late to the opening night premiere, Robert Alman's Prairie Home Companion. The doors are closed. It's packed. The only way in is on the red carpet. Charley says "let's go in." "How?" I say. And three shots of Grey Goose and two Vodka Cranberries from the bar next door say "like this." as Charley walks down the red carpet to a shout and very quick "ah, fuck it." by the security guard.

I'm not sure what happened during Altman's film. I think boring things happened. I know three glasses of wine and a half hour call to Bart Kias happened. And I shook John C. Reilly's hand. Didn't get to ask him what he benches though.

But wait. Back up.

The day began last night, waiting in line with 100 Aint-It-Cool-ers at The Alamo Draft House for a 35mm original print screening of Lucio Fulci's awful follow up to Zombi, City of The Living Dead. I'm an avid reader of Aint-It-Cool-News and have many times read their tales of the Drafthouse. So I was soaking up a long-theorized atmosphere and it did not dissappoint. 100 people who love their shitty horror with not an ounce of disdain. City Of The Living Dead was Lucio Fulci at his, oh I don't know, what do you call it? You get my point. Great night, great film, and a great walk home.

Because everything in Austin is six blocks away.

As I walked home I walked past bar after bar, the sidewalk was a living thing. Every club had just let out and I have never seen a city that could manage to fit eight clubs on one block with a ninth club in the alley.

Austin knows how to party.

After being here for two nights I don't think that any city in America can claim to know how to party while Austin is on the map. Of course tonight was the first day of Spring Break. Yeah. They blocked off 6th st. people were walking it like a street fair. Rumor has it they do this every weekend. And at that point it's eight bars a block for five blocks, with live music in every bar. I really love this city.

Just for Stephe, Justin, Kate, and Sandy.

Went to The Velveeta Room for one drink, then left. Is it rude to argue for a full minute with the door guy that he should let you in for free, then split after the first drink before the stand-up act has taken the stage?

"Free Bookmark. It also doubles as an independent film." (laugh)

We passed out 1,200 flyers. I'm an old pro at this. Thank you Schadenfreude. I stuffed a ton in The Austion Chronic-what-cle, Austin's version of The Reader, which I used to stuff with Schad cards. Used to stuff The Onion too. So all this hocking felt very familiar.

Darkon
I've only met one other group of filmmakers, Ovie Entertainment, and I think I met the right guys. They were great. There's a lot of attitude here, a lot of pretension. I've had someone look at me and turn their back on me when I introduced myself. All I can say about that is: "you better be the best fucking filmmaker ever."

But the Ovie Entertainment people are awesome. They have a documentary that goes deep into the Darkon Gamers Club, a club that takes itself as serious as cancer. I can't wait to see it. They're from New York (which I've been thinking of moving to) and they've got a $2mil project in the wings and four other films and all of them sound fantastic. And everything they said about their mission statement and their company just sounds spot on. They have a party tomorrow night, it'll be fun to hang out with them.

"It's all happening"

It's really great being here with Heaven's Fall. Because the film just completely stands out. Great cast, big premiere, very impressive. So many people I've handed my cards to have said they want to come, looking forward to it, and wow, which is refreshing. The only thing I can compare this fest to are the comedy festivals that Schad has been to and nobody gave a shit that we were there and they have a 1000 shows they want to go to besides ours and we didn't have the big impressive posters. It almost feels like being somebody.

On Tuesday I will go back and be a telemarketer again, but today I get to play "guy with a movie in the film festival." I get to say I have a film in the film festival all the time, which is fun. It feels like I do. Because I do, but, you know, I don't.

So Charley and I sat on the balcony of a New Orleans-esque bar drinking to our perception of success, buzzing long before we started drinking. Big smiles. Big smiles. I'm a little tired of thinking that something big's on the horizon, because I've never been right yet. I always think something big's on the horizon, and then the horizon comes and goes and...hey look another horizon. So here I am again and it's all exciting again. I guess the good thing is no matter what good or bad happens, I've never run out of Horizon.

Goodbye, Chicago (for now)

I've been feeling a feeling for the last couple weeks and I couldn't put my finger on it until I drove down Lakeshore Drive yesterday with a U-Haul full of everything I own.

I said goodbye to Roommate Stephe (who will retain that name) at the door of his excellent new studio one block away from our old apartment. That's Stephe, one block away is enough variation for him. More than that might give him a heartattack. It was an emotional goodbye, next to Jim McWilliams, Stephe is one of my oldest friends and our living situation for the last year has been the best I've had since I've been here. Stephe is a genius, I'm glad we'll be friends for life so I can steal all his ideas and make millions off of them.

I drove south on Lakeshore, every inch of it held a memory. At the Sheridan intersection I thought that taking a left would take me to Fred Mowery's old apartment where I slept on his floor during some tough times and discovered a little theatre called The Heartland Studio where Schadenfreude would perform 200 shows. As I drove down Lakeshore past Montrose I remembered a morning where Justin and I went to go play park football with Meredith Voller's park team. Nobody showed up, we walked back counting women waiting for buses who had very clearly gotten fucked hard the night before. At Irving Park I remembered my first apartment with Matt Larsen, Fred Mowery, and Stephe Gluck as well as a little sketch group called Apocalypso. Traveling south from there, looking to my left brought many memories of my jogging route when I first moved here and the Crimson Tide soundtrack I listened to too many times while exercising.



As I approached the Drake and The Hancock going south on Lakeshore it got very difficult for me. That view is one of my favorites, Chicago will always remain the most beautiful city in America, and this view is the best one the city has to offer.

This feeling had been rising in my chest for two weeks. It started when we performed our 1999 show at The Playground and pulled out the running order we were doing when people would line up down the street to come see our show at The Heartland. That was an emotional night. I was flush with the number of times that I and this group of my closest friends had performed these sketches, The Heartland, The Chicago Improv Festival, Edinburgh, Scottland, New York, L.A., and all colleges in between. To the nostalgic mind it's not too far a leap from The Uncle Sam sketch to the hotel in Northfield, MN where that crazy old lady threw her dog in the pool or when John jumped on a table and showed the entire bar his nuts.

I passed Navy Pier and thought of how my five close friends worked ourselves to exhaustion to push the limits of what one group of writer/producer/director/actors could do. How we found resources to write and create and spontanously bring forth magic for three years straight. If I could bottle what it felt like to do that radio show I could make millions, giving every Chicago comedian the chance to feel the confidence, fear, intelligence, trust, and love they come here looking for.

The radio show solidified the bond I share with those four random people I met at 1616 N. Wells st. in Spring of 1997 after failing to get into Second City the first time I auditioned. Oh how life would be different if I had. Had I gotten in the first time I wouldn't have felt what I was feeling as I drove out of Chicago.

Heartbreak.

Thank you all so much for the decade (DECADE?!?) of amazing memories in that town, it's too bad that Chicago blew up and all fell down and I died. Oh wait, Chicago's still standing...and I'm still alive? That what the fuck am I blubbering about? Wait, I'm still working on a daily basis on Schadenfreude.net and a weekly basis on the Schadenfreude books, movies, musicals? Then what the fuck am I pining for? SCHADENFREUDE IS NOW BI-COASTAL BITCH! We're BI, that's so hot!



LET'S ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!