I don't like the handsoap at the building I work at

I don't like the handsoap at the building I work at

Is that petty? At WBEZ and many other places I've worked, the soap foams up. That's the best. You simply can't wait to wash your hands when your soap foams up. In other places it doesn't foam up, but it has a more pleasant smell than the standard pink-flavored soap smell. That's just crap. Like vanilla, a facilities soap doesn't need to foam if it smells like vanilla. You know what else I like? I'll ditch the foam, and the smell, for a more liquid constistency. You know what was the best soap? The soap that looks like Anti-freeze that only came out of the dispensers that are upside down, with the peg that you shove up into the white bubble. I like a little weather balloon, and you're shoving the basket up into the balloon. I love the anti-freeze soap. How come it only comes in the little weather balloon dispenser. So if it doesn't foam or have pleasant natural scent, then I will take the anti-freeze soap that has made a deal with one dispenser company. The soap at`this building is real thick and smells like pineapple. Pineapple. I just feel...unclean using it. You know what else kicks ass and I will have installed in my house when I finally reach my life goal of eccentric millionaire, the granulated powder shit. Have you ever felt cleaner than when you use the granulated powder? I don't think so.

12 lbs.

At the AFM they had all these free movie industry magazines. I took one of each. When I got home I weighed myself, 200lbs., then I picked up the stack of magazines I took from the AFM and weighed myself again, 212lbs. I've been slowly going through the and I think I've found the formula for success, take a well-know phrase and pun it in the direction of horror. There's a horror movie for sale this year called...Study Hell. I mean, whether your rent it or not, thinks it's stupid or whatever. You've got to admire it. Study Hall, a phrase we've all heard a billion times and never throught of the horror movie possibilities. And then I flip a couple pages and COULD NOT believe the idea that any of us could've had.

The Wedding Slasher. That is fucking brilliant.

Hello Callers

I want to throw a big shout-out to Sasha and The Noob. For any new people here in L.A. that I might be turning on to my column. Check them out. Sasha and The Noob, performed at the Rent Party Friday where I (sigh), was absent. Completely unrelated to their Rent Party appearance Bart just started up telling me how big a fan he is. We watched the most recent episode and laughed a lot and then quoted Sash and The Noob for the rest of the day. They are inspired. So anyone who hasn't checked them out, please find out what you're missing. It's not for everyone, but for those it's for, it's REALLY for.

Someday I would love to do a suspense thriller starring them and Biegfried & Broy. Yes, a suspense thriller with four of the most ridiculous characters you've ever seen. Plus Vaugn Bach from the Alderman screenplay (Gretchen Ross-Stephenson's Schwarzeneggar-like husband), all trying to solve a murder.

Now all we need's a punny title. Hmmm. Harder than it looks.