Chuck Norris Facts
* Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has
never cried. Ever.
* Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
* Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law
and Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.
* The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
* If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away
from death.
* Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
* Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting
implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes
killing.
* Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking
Positive. It is compatible only with heavy
construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
* Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to
do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
* In fine print on the last page of the Guinness
Book of World Records it notes that all world records
are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book
are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
* There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There
is only another fist.
* If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds
'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
* Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck
Norris has 72...and they're all poisonous.
* Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only
three moves.
* There is no theory of evolution, just a list of
creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
* If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win.
Forever.
* Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once
and he will fuck you up.
* Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.
* Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the
world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
* Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in
human skulls.
* When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank
forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched
and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
* The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck
Norris' fist.
* Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's
famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices.
But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
* CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris
Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass
kicking in real-time.
* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one
hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with
his waitress.
* What was going through the minds of all of Chuck
Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
* Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick
wall in a game of tennis.
* Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code
45-11.... a suicide.
* Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse
kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
* Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he
disembowels them.
* A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that
this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in
fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris
and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
* Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
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