Happy New Year

Short-haired chicks, the year in review

This post is dedicated to Plizgaboskorski from Dallas who just emailed me to say he's a big fan of the SHCF, and sent me 15 links to new short-haired chicks which will surely be showing up here soon. Actually his name isn't Plizgaboskorski, but he said to keep the name private, so I decided to make up the funniest name I could think of.

I was saving this for Friday, but I'm drunk and worked today and have to work tomorrow. Well it's not technically work, I'm editing Girls Gone Wild, but anything you're not allowed to masturbate during is technically work.

So...

01/06/06

Welcome back from lunch, put the kids to bed, strap yourselves in, put your seatbacks and boners in their upright and locked position.

It's MILLA!
I think like most people I noticed that Milla was bonerific when she broke onto the scene in The Fifth Element.
And she stars in two of my favorite comic book movie guilty pleasures Resident Evil 1 & 2.

But she made it into the Short-Haired chick category when she got the Skip Ross bowlcut in Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc.
A movie I'm not allowed to like since I followed the politics of the production from day one. Day one which began with a very passionate and legitimately ballsy chick (as opposed to a fake ballsy chick like Milla) Kathryn Bigelow (Near Dark, Strange Days, Point Break) wanting to make her dream project. But unfortunately in Hollywood the passion of a woman who's truly proved herself in that man's world is subservient to an actual man and flavor of the day Luc Besson and his girlfriend of the moment, Milla Jovovich. So yes, look at her, love her, but in some ways fuck her (and not in the good way).

Does she look too manly with the bowl cut? No way, I think that haircut has to come back. Any girls out there up for the task? Coooooome on.

So thinking of featuring Jeanne D'Arc today I did a search and it turns out that she has been a short haired chick at other times. Other...sexy times. If you're at work you miiiiiight want to bow out at this point.


Damn!


Excelsior!


Feminism!

Milla, the one short-haired chick featured so far that I am positive would never talk to me and might even pay to have me beat up.

01/13/06

Today we present a short-haired chick that could kick your ass, not because she played someone that could kick your ass or because she was paid to train martial arts for years, but because she's just one kickass chick.



Actually I don't know if Carrie-Anne Moss is a true badass, but I have a feeling that she's someone you don't push around. I like tough chicks, chicks who won't take any shit, who can hold their own in a man's world. I have the feeling Carrie-Anne. The great thing about tough chicks is that they're still chicks. A girl who shaves her head, rides Harleys and gets in barfights still has painted toenails under those jackboots. Not that Carrie-Anne's necessarily any of that.



But she portrays that. In fact THAT is the character of Trinity, warrior, fighter, tough-gal...lover. She doesn't smile, keeps the hair short takes and gives punches in The Matrix.



But in the real world, the toes are painted.



So in summation, Carrie-Anne Moss is everything I love about short-haired chicks.

Kudos to the Wachowksi Brothers for this casting choice. There's nothing more annoying than trying to push off some buxom flowing blonde haired chick as Ms. Kickass.



I don't buy Angelina Jolie, or obviously Drew Barrymore (though that's kind of the joke of Charlie's Angels and Charlie's Angels 2: Shit Sandwich) and it's too easy to cast that person. Carrie-Anne Moss is the unpopular choice for fear that the audience will not find her sexy. And the audience doesn't...but they do.

I've spent too much time of my life in film classes debating that it's unfeminist to dress a woman like a man so that she may do action, that she must become a man and sacrifice her femininity to be strong, that it shows there's a subliminal message that there's no strength in being a woman.



As I've said in all those classes, fuck that and fuck you, those toenails beneath the jackboots are painted.



And doubly fuck you when it comes to Trinity, that masculine/feminine dichotomy is firmly in place on the screen as Matrix/Real World, and just for a little extra fuck you she also gets to be mother of the future like the very masculine Sarah Conner (which spurred the age-old debate when I was in film school. By the way, if Mindy Peiper's reading this, sorry, I think I was a little hard on you). Then again Larry Wachowski is having a sex change so maybe that muddles this topic.



Oooh! A politically charged short-haired chick Friday.

01/20/06

Sigh. Just look at her.



I was young and impressionable, it was a John Hughes movie. I had never fallen in love, but I was so desperate to. I was not a popular child, so having a girl like me was not likely, having one love me was kind of inconceiveable, and having a girl who looked like Mary Stuart Masterson like me? Well that's just crazy Science Fiction.



Nastassja Kinski may have made me realize I liked short hair on chicks, but Mary Stuart Masterston sealed the deal. Because unlike the supervictim Nastassja in Cat People, Mary Stuart Masterson was a confident, boyish, ballsy drummer chick. Fuck you, this is who I am. This was no Barbie Doll, it was so cool to see a woman presented that way. It was a rare type of woman in pop culture, it was sexy.



I completely fell in love with her. That short hair, all those boyish traits, she was more than a hot chick in jeans, she was a pal, a girl you could really just hang out with. My heart melted. That's a weird phrase, heart melting, yet I know that feeling when you fall in love instantly and all the blood flushes from your face and goes into your chest and then your heart start beating real fast because you didn't realize until this moment that someone could be that beautiful. Melty, I suppose.




Anyway. And then Eric Stoltz would blow her off for the fake hot chick that you can get anytime, you'd pass up the unique boyish pal drummer gal for a chick you could throw a dart at a Cheetah Gym and find. COME ON! Mary-Elizabeth - OVER HERE! I'll date you!!! OVER HERE!! I know I'm just a 13 year old nerd in Lewisburg Ohio with crisis level heating problems, but just give me a chance!!!



I know it all worked out for the best, but the idea that for a moment he wouldn't see the quality of this babe, I still don't like Eric Stoltz. Fuck Eric Stoltz, Mask sucks too. This is what blue feels like? This is what my boot up your Mary-Elizabeth denying ass feels like. Your ugly and Cher dresses you funny. Go be in Anaconda.



She's so damn cute. It hurts.

01/26/06



So last night's Schadenfreude meeting sucked. We just argued about Iraq. I lost. All truth is first conspiracy. Nobody knows the truth. The burden of proof is on me, Bush is assumed innocent, my thoughts on deliberate wrongdoing is conspiracy. I can't prove any of it.



Nobody argues anymore whether George Bush lied us into war, we now argue whether it was justified that we be lied to. Until it can be proven that George Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, Paul Wolfowitz, and Colin Powell invaded Iraq for anything other than altruistic purposes, they are, by default, telling the truth.



All I know is I believe in human weakness. There are weak humans. This is a fact. Greedy humans have existed. Humans have sought power to the exception of accepted social standards. Domination and Power are intoxicating to a certain demographic. Humans have existed of flawed perception and defective judgement whether in nature or nurture. Therefore the acknoledgement that such weakness exists allows for possibility that the above mentioned people have those flaws.



So fuck them and fuck Alito. Call your Sentator. 888-355-3588 or 888-818-6641. Tell them to vote for no cloture (filibuster) on Alito. Durbin and Obama may vote No on Alito and Yes on Cloture. We can't have this.



For extra credit call Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Russ Feingold, or John Kerry - and tell them to either LEAD THE FILIBUSTER or FORGET ABOUT YOUR SUPPORT for their 2008 Presidential Bid. You can also send that message to the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (202-224-2447) and the Democratic National Committee (202-863-8000). Do it.

It's time to bring all the facets of this slowly revealed ideology brought to the stage for debate, quit hiding it. Tell the citizens of the US what you stand for and quit hiding behind blatant lies, obfuscation of debate, tricky reframing of discourse, and marginalization of opposition opinion in what is supposed to be the standard-bearer of Democracy. Enough. There has to be a turning point, it's time for the Dems to declare this is where they finally stand their ground or fuck them too. If this isn't a turning point I don't know what is. Which road does the country go down?



I can't prove that Alito will trade objective judgement for loyalty to a democratically unpopular ideology. But I allow for the fact that such a flaw may exist in this man.



02/03/06

I don't need to justify my love of Clea DuVall with a bunch of text. I don't have to tell you how she caught my eye in Girl, Interrupted. I don't have to tell you how I'd take a kick in the balls from Clea DuVall before I'd take handjob from Angelina Jolie. I don't have to tell you how much hotter a girl that can sub in on your softball team is than some sanitized pretty princess. I don't have to tell you that Clea Duvall is gorgeous here.



or here.



or here.



or here.



or dark eye makeup goth hot here.



or HOLY SHIT here.



or that's she's Claire Danes-erific here (I'd rather have a beer and get in a barfight with Clea)



Or that she has great freckles here.



or that she's illegal hot here.



Or that she's rollover hot here (rollover in the morning and with no makeup she looks perfect)



I just don't have to tell you these things, or even spell them out for you.

02/10/06



This weeks short-haired chick is for every guy who broke the freeze-frame on their VCR when Basic Instinct came out. For every guy who only thought about buying a laserdisc player because Basic Instinct was available. For all guys who jacked it to Sharon Stone's beaver shot.



So I don't think I ever would've picked Sharon Stone as a short-haired chick. Oh sure I knew she'd chopped the hair a while back for the cinematic Shithole Catwoman, but who thinks about Sharon Stone anymore?



Well...I hadn't for a long time and laughed out loud at the concept of Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, you just simply don't wait 14 years to make a sequel to something. But if I remember correctly Sharon had to get respectable real quick. She did two more nudie movies and then tried to stretch her range and nobody cared if she died on death row.



Then I saw the R-rated teaser for it. (for the love of God wait until you're home to click here).



Of course it's super stupid. So was Basic Instinct, but that really wasn't the point was it? And neither is it here,



I watched that trailer and was right back where I was in 1992, stupid and horny and ready to shell out good money for the modern version of a raincoat-crowd dirty movie.



I fell for Sharon Stone's ridiculous exploitative nudity all over again. I want to se BI2:RI for the EXACT same reasons I wanted to see the first one, which led to me falling in love with Sharon Stone in the first place, so here I am again.



By the way, she's 48, not bad, huh?

02/17/06



So. For some reason because I do this short haired chick thing parents, friends, tower players and people I did community service with after I stole those road cones have come up to me and told me that Natalie Portman is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and her hair's real short.



Which is funny because the very first short haired chick Friday was about exactly that. It was just something I was going to blog about that day that I named oddly. Chicks look great in short hair, Natalie looks great in...existence, so the two would be a perfect combination, but I never assume any actresses would ever go for the short hair, much less Natalie. So when it happened and she looked more awesome than she already did, I thought I'd celebrate a beautiful thing.

Since then Natalie has popped up over and over.

Each time I see her, her hair's a little longer. And since short-haired chicks vary based on the length of their hair, Natalie has been SEVERAL short-haired chicks, all cute.



She's getting a lot of press lately because of the short hair. I can only hope for an epidemic outbreak of desperate Hollywood starlets all getting their Sinead-on in unison.



She's certainly kind to the fanboys isn't she? She's the perfect storm of actresses for fanboys. She makes her premiere in one of the biggest cinema suprises for all of us, The Professional. We all would've fallen in love with The Professional anyway, but Natalie's debut cemented that as a modern classic and started the countdown until she was legal.



And then, as if she were created only for us she went onto Michael Mann's best movie, Heat. to further please you and me and everyone on earth she goes and gets in the goddman second Star Wars Trilogy, and THEN she gets into an adaptation of Alan Moore's BRILLIANT comic book V For Vendetta. Thanks Natalie, you really don't have to go this far to prove your love to us, OH MY you're playing a stripper!



And finally, I think this last picture is why we love Natalie.



That's the look of what we love about her when we love about her.

02/23/06

Hey all, no time to spend hours combing .jpg's of boy-girls today. It's a ridiculously busy week, nearing poverty I've had to (gasp) actually do my job, we are re-writing "Alderman", I wrote a synopsis to run by some indie financiers, still actively producing "Blue World" this week working with a storyboard artist, and I've been creating writing samples to turn in to people looking for writer's this week, and helping (if that's the word you'd use with as little energy as I have left) Sean Cusick and his talented crew write a Skybox show. Gives me the hives looking at that schedule.

So I re-present one of my favorites from the last few months. Mostly for the bit at the end, which I think is funny.


IT'S SHORT HAIRED CHICK FRIDAY!!!!: Special Import Edition

Anybody remember Tatu?



Shit, wrong Tattoo. I mean.



The pop supergroup who was famous for an amount of time only measurable by the guy who discovered Octilhexium. They were known for their songs "All The Things She Said" and "Not Gonna Get Us" which you COMPLETELY know, go over to iTunes like I just did and listen. I remember hearing the hell out of those songs. Anyway, they weren't really known for their music, they were known for...



Their gimmick. Little Russian Lesbian Schoolgirls who make out on stage. Sounds like and old Phil Donahue panel.



Little Russian Lesbian Schoolgirls who make out on stage. Gee ya think people will buy into that? But will we be able to get MTV's attention? Will Maxim talk about it. We just don't know. Our marketing analysis is so primitive, and the idea...so advanced. "Mirror!" "You see what I have to work with." "MIRROR!"



So I went to an MTV music awards party, and as soon as I got in the door I was asked by Carla, the Hollis Brothers, and probably Liz and Steph if I knew who Tatu was? "The greatest thing ever?" I asked. "Yes" they said. And mere hours after hearing about them for the first time they took the stage at the MTV music awards and brought the house down. By being Little Russian Lesbian Schoolgirls who make out on stage. Carla, The Hollis Brothers and all in attendance thought it was the best thing ever. I felt like I could see the Matrix of marketing and the rest couldn't, but they probably just didn't care for very good reason.

Here they are discussing Proust.



I have to admit something. When I went to iTunes to refresh my memory on them. I laid out $2 for those two songs. It's a guilty pleasure, I know, but I'm not alone.

Here they are discussing the use of non-diegetic sound in Godard's Le Petit Soldat.



: What is her fantasy boss?
: To be welcomed into the sexual ecstasy of the lesbian sisterhood, and let me watch.
: I thought she just said she wanted to discover herself.
: And let me watch.
:You're touching yourself boss.
: I could crush that head if I wanted to.

03/10/06

Who was your favorite Facts of Life kid?





Exactly. Who really had a crush on the "pretty one"?



Did anyone out there really have a crush on Blair? You were supposed to, I think.

Natalie was straight out, and I could never find anything sexual about Tootie. Maybe it was the name. I bet Justin was a Tootie guy. I'm sure she could party the hardest.



Look, Val Kilmer.

But I, and this should come as no surprise to any of you, was a Jo guy.



Jo was awesome, Jo could be a pal. Jo worked on motorcycles. And hung out with Best Supporting Actor 2006



Jo also didn't have short hair, except for this picture.



But she should have. In theory she is so a short haired chick. Here's where I don't think I'm too far off in my love of short haired chicks. Jo was all of our favorites. Am I wrong?







So Jo. Short-Haired Chick Friday. Austin. What you got?

03/17/06

I like girls with short hair. So it should come as no surprise that the record scratched when I saw David Mamet's Heist.



I love David Mamet. Wait I think that's a little like saying "I never miss the Oscars." You breathe? I breathe too! But what I didn't know is that I loved his wife.



Yes, David Mamet chose well. Very well. Rebecca is the daughter of an MIT professor (brains) who grew up in Scotland (culture, accent), and started a Singing career (talent).



She's a completely different kind of hot there. A long-haired hot. Though with the Clannad/Enya thing going on in her voice she could easily keep the hair short and still get an in-store at The Nature Store.



So, there you have it, beautiful, talented, and the recipient of the dick that wrote Glengarry Glen-Ross. I wonder if she has to speak in terse dialogue around the house, or in the bedroom.



Given my fetish for Short-haired chicks I have been called gay over the years, but would you call MR. MAMET GAY??? Case in point: David Mamet's previous wife, Lindsay Crouse



Notice anything? Exactly! Lindsay was also an actress/singer so David basically traded in the old Pontiac, which I would do for Rebecca Pidgeon too, because I'm not gay, but I love the arts.

03/24/06

Holy shit. I forgot about this one.



Fairuza Balk. Absolutely one of the hottest chicks ever, with just the worst name imaginable.



I've never been able to watch "The Craft." I tried once. The second I saw Fairuza and Neve Cambell (bestill my heart) on the box cover I was kind of sold. Kind of REALLY sold. But they are so beautfiul that I had to turn the movie off. It is literally painful to watch The Craft. That's the first place I saw Fairuza. Jeezus.



I love the dark eye makeup, the messed up hair, and that dark goth attitude. She's got everything that intrigues me. She's also got everything that makes a late-nigh at her place listening to her poetry wondering if I'm going to get any kind of dull. But my favorite kind of dull.



While doing as little research as possible on her (what am I going to find out? That I want to fuck her?) I found out that "Fairuza" means "Turquoise" in Farsi.



If you found out that "Pussiphart" meant "Gorgeous Flower" in Afrikaans, would you change your name to it? What happened to the simple names of olden times, like Leaf, River, Moon-Unit, and Dweezil?



One thing I also learned from IMDB is that the dark eye makeup Goth thing is not a bit, she owned a Wiccan shop called Panpipes Magickal in Hollywood. That's kind of annoying.



Here's something else I learned, she dated David Thewlis - Knox Harrington, the video artist. David Thewlis looks like he has bad breath.



She also owns five cats. I'm a cat guy, so I would have a good time hanging out at her place at the end of the night wondering if I was going to get any.

And these last two pictures are proof of God. God could I have the two hottest pictures of Fairuza Balk, pleeeeeese?

God: "Fairuza? That's a dumb fucking name."





Boom! God said let there be short-haired, misunderstood, topless Wiccan chicks, and it was done, and God said that is good, then set fire to the Wiccan shop for the insurance money.

04/14/06

Just when I say "well I posted Vasquez, I think I'm officially out..." Charley comes up and says "Hey I just saw this movie 'Brick', there's a chick in it that you'd love." This is code for "short-haired chick." This is the advantage of embracing my fetish, people give me material.



So it turns out there's this show called Everwood (sounds dirty). And evidently in it is this actress named Nora Zehetner and evidently she's in this great new film Brick.

All I know is that hair is short!



And she's got that "aw-shucks"-y innocence which is particularly attractive.



See, look at that, she's just hanging out in her t-shirt and aw gosh she could take it or leave it. I like that. I like it in general, but for a celebrity to pull off that "genuine" act, double-good.

Here's my favorite, I don't know why.



Maybe it's because this is how she would look if we were just hanging out. Maybe it's because nothing's sexier than jeans. Maybe it's because she's at Sundance in this picture. I don't know, I like that one.



And you could direct planes to land with her eyes. I like Anime eyes. Nora defines Anime eyes, look at those. I could see her with a skimpy outfit and giant sword, hanging in the air with lines zipping down behind her as she battles a giant cthulu robot that came out of her vagina after she got raped by a ball of metal that fell from space. Nobody seen that anime? Nobody?



I'm grabbing at straws here. I heard an interview with the director of Brick. That's something to talk about while those big eyes tick by. It's completely written as a noir, with the hardnosed cop, the femme fatale, the complex plot, noir dialogue, everything, and then simply transplanted to a high school.



The bar become a lunch room, the police chief becomes the principal, and being taken off the case becomes being thrown out of school. It sounds great and Charley's review was glowing.



The director went around to all the studios, but they all felt it was too "execution-dependent", in other words "great concept, too easy to fuck up by a first-time director." So he raised $500,000 and made it himself.



And that's Nora Zehetner. You're welcome.

By the way, a little short-haired news: Carla Barger, ex-girlfriend and short-haired chick who looked like this for most her life...

...has been growing her hair down to her ass for three years, but rumor has it, she has cut the hair. She'll be at the Rent party, we'll see if it's true.

04/21/06

Wow, what a show last night. That was the first show we'd ever done at the Gallery Cabaret, and the second variety show style show we've done, and yet that show felt like we'd done it 100 times. Perhaps it was the Cafe' Ashie feel that the bar had with a stage in the back with a mural of the city or the local flavor of regular customers who didn't come for comedy. Perhaps I felt it more after the show when the place felt a lot like the Red Line Tap which we went to after every Heartland Show for two straight years. A couple people asked where Justin's wife, Julie was, for all I know she's out of the country but I know Julie often will skip Schadenfreude shows and when people ask why all I can saw is - Red Line Tap, Heartland, two straight years.

And the video that Steve Delahoyde took, good God it looks great. That camera of his is incredible and he REALLY knows how to use it. Great shots, great look. I'll have a couple segments on screening room (one maybe even later today). I put the tapes back in my camera after the show and replayed the show on the tv's and then proceeded to DROP MY 6 YEAR OLD CAMERA 6 FEET OFF THE TV STAND! I just can't believe that fucking camera still works.

But the story of the night was the fact that not only Carla, but Jessie (her girlfriend) cut their hair short! And Jessie cut hers way short. Very cute. Say, that reminds me.

IT'S SHORT-HAIRED CHICK FRIDAY!!!

Where are my manners.



Okay, manners are gone. Look at that hair, so short.



Yes, Shannyn Sossamon, because you could never become a famous actress by being named something so Kansas as Shannon. This is why we're losing Democrats.



Your welcome, world.

Do you remember the story? After all no hot new actor/actress is an actor/actress, they're a story. No indie film is a film, it's a story. Before she started acting, she was PR. The story? This complete unknown regulare gal who was just eeking it out as a dj was just plucked magically out of her dayjob and put in a $100million dollar movie. See it can happen to you, yes you, nobody.



Providing you have an agent, have been modeling for years, are a known commodity already, and are friends with Bruce Paltrow who then hires you to dj a party for his daughter Gwyneth.



And you look like that. Not to belittle the accomplishment or her tits. Wouldn't have happened if she hadn't been stumping.



Hey, that's Carla's haircut, and sometimes fashion choice. The preferred cut of the modern short-haired chick.



Boyin' it up. I'll take it. Of course I will.



Boyin' it up more. She pulls it off very well.



So natural.



That is the very definition of rollover hot. You just woke up after going a couple rounds, she's in her night shirt, having her first morning smoke, and without a bit of makeup or even taking a shower, you'd go another two rounds with her.








Is your boss around? Check before you scroll to the next one.








And oh my Christ. Make sure your boss is not even in this state before you scroll down.








Are you ready?








Are you sure?






Short hair + no clothes + flavor of the day in your pants =







boom. brought.

04/28/06

Seriously?


I'm not fucking around.


You think I'm fucking with you?


I am not fucking with you?





Oh, do I have your attention now? Yeah. it's the middle ass by the way.

The ass belongs to one Michelle L'Amour, according to her very sexy website she has "The Ass That Goes Pow!", and uh, it kinda does.

I saw Michelle a long time ago and damn, she's the real deal, a sexual powerhouse. She'll mesmerize you. I didn't know what happened when the lights came up.



Burlesque is pretty powerful. It's amazing all these years later it still gets a lot of guys' boats runnin'. In general it's not my thing, but I have complete respect for the art form. I love how it rides the line of enjoyment of the theatrical and historical exhibition of sex and just being boner time. It's Old School Fred Flintstone, Ralph Cramden Moose Lodge sexiness.



I came back across Michelle because some guy in my office knowing my short-haired chick obsession said "You wanna see sexy, go to The Lavender Cabaret. It's disturbing that point where you know someone you work with way too well because you know who he'd fuck. Ew. Anyway.



Michelle is masterful at the form, the top. She's won contests and is just damn good at Burlesque. I love the name, Michelle L'Amour, such a fantasy name. The way the L's run together, how French it sounds, all fancy and French Maid-ish. I think before Swedish became the standard bearer of sexuality in America it was French. The pre-70's "Swede." I think when burlesque shows were all the rage, French was THE nationality.



This is before we formed out national security policy around hating them. ...does anything make our government look more frat boy than that? Fucking Todd Voorhies is our President. If you don't want to bomb Iraq you're French. Tag! Haha! Burn! Don't go to sleep or I'll write on your forehead.

Stoob: You're fuckin' French dude.
Todd: No I'm not.
Stoob: Do you want to bomb Iraq?
Todd: Well, fuckin', I don't know, did they...
Stoob: You're fuckin' French!
Todd: Am not, okay, let's bomb so we're like each other.
Stoob: You belong Todd!
Todd: Yes! I belong, my brain is now giving you the endorphine for pleasure derived from belonging.
Stoob: Hey, how you votin' on prop 12, you think gays should be allowed to teach?
Todd: Well, sure.
Stoob: FAG!
Todd: Am not!
Stoob: Let's go jack each other off, you know, for the joke!
Todd: Okay.

Okay, don't know how I got there, but as I tell my writing class, sometimes it's just best to let it ride itself out.

Where were we.



Oh yeah.

I think the fact that you can't view this with your boss around shows the power that Burlesque still has. It's not that they're naked, it's that the Burlesque performers of the past have so ingrained in your head what sexy is, that a glance at these images is stronger than if she were just Shannyn Sossamon naked. Oddly it's something you can't look at that was and still is an acceptable amount of nudity.





Way to go John, fuck the one on the right! The ONE ON THE RIGHT! Wait, he's married. THE ONE ON THE RIGHT!

Years ago I read Albert Goldman'sLadies and Gentlemen, Lenny Bruce! Great book, if a little built up and fantasized. Lenny got his start as a host at Burlesque shows. That's the only thing I feel Burlesque shows are missing.



They're not dirty enough. Every time I've seen new Burlesque it always falls short only because of the host, they seem to cast these hosts more out of Cabaret than a real Burlesque show, someday I'd like to see an emulation of a divey Burlesque instead of one of the fancy fancy places.

If you've made it this far obviously you work in a loose environment or the boss is on vacation.


But take an extra look around before you check out this...






And definitely.





Before you check out.


This.



Oh my CHRIST! Just stop it, you're just bad. Bad! You need a spanking...oh, sorry, where are my manners.

Okay, I'm fine.



Oh shit, my manners are fucked.



Last one!



Last one! BEST ONE!



Last one! BEST ONE!




Wow.

So what are you all doing this weekend?



Hm. Improv Fest...the Ass That Goes Pow!, Mad TV writers show...garters. So torn. So very very torn.

Wait! I forgot one. ...the best one?



Otisburg has just gone to hell. I'm a porn blog now. Next week, actual fucking. The hell with it.

05/05/06



Sinead O'Connor, the ORIGINAL short haired chick, or at least the one that's referred to the most. The one that made it famous. The one that raised the ire of people who heard from a guy who heard from a guy who heard on talk radio that she worships that devil and dangerously feminist.



OF COURSE I loved Sinead. The year is 1988. My parents polite 10th request that I get a job results in me getting a job with a Mike "Stead" Winstead at Little Caesars where the entire store would listen to 97x (the future of Rock & Roll) from open, 9am, until close, 2am. 97x was one of maybe five "alternative" stations in the country in 1988 and you could hear a lot of Sinead in 17 hours. But you could hear more when "Babinsky" Chris Jones was working and giving me a thorough education in Sinead, The Cure, Stone Roses, got me up to speed. To this day I still have a cassette mix he made me that had a killer remix of "Stretched On Your Grave."



High School memories are strong anyway, but having them tied into a John Hughes soundtrack makes me incredibly fortunate. 97x truly was the future of Rock & Roll filling our High School working asses with non-fuckin-stop Janes Addiction, Bauhaus, Sex Pistols, B-52's, They Might Be Giants, Soup Dragons, Depeche Mode, B.A.D., R.E.M., P.I.L., Urban Dance Squad, Sisters of Mercy, Afghan Whigs, Daisy Chainsaw, The Pop Will Eat Itself, Buzzcocks, The Church, Echo & The Bunnymen, Crowded House, Gene Loves Jezebel, Daisy Chainsaw, Love & Rockets, Cocteau Twins, Living Colour, XTC, Camper Van Beethoven, Hoodoo Gurus, Iggy Pop, Bob Mould, Jesus Jones ("Liquidizer" not "Doubt") more Cure and more Stone Roses. Getting a little sad here.



97x made an 8 hour shift almost as sweet as having a boss that bought us booze and let us start drinking a couple hours before close, but not quite as sweet as having four phones for call-in orders. Whenver 97x would play the "PHONES FROM HELL!" that was your cue to call in for free shit. Four phones, four redials, you do the math. Boy would Winstead bust his fat ass from the very back when he heard the phones from hell almost killing himself for a fucking Danielle Dax CD.



We'd trade pizza's with the overnight guy Bill "The Stereo Slave" for requests. "Step On" by Happy Mondays was one song I could simply not get enough of. Winstead's number one request was "Anarchy in the U.K.", Jones' was "Never Enough" by The Cure. 97x was a phenomenon, there literally was no other station in Oxford. Even when you weren't at work it was in cars driving by, Bruno's Pizza, the video store, pretty much everywhere but the bank and the library. So Oxford was just one big 97x crossfade when you went out for the night.

So...Sinead.



So outspoken that she's scary to people, LOVE THAT! I remember a lot of hacking on the hair, the threatening shortness of the hair. It's actually the most conservative haircut you can get. The marines get that cut. People would call her a lesbian, and by lesbian they meant "bad thing." I do know she has kids, whether she got them from a penis I don't. She's independent and opinionated and sometimes opinions threaten other people. I think feminism is sexy.



I love that such a gentle little thing would rip up a picture of the Pope on SNL.



Awesome! I forget why she did it, but I don't care because the reason I liked it is one part kickass chick and two part THAT'S what SNL SHOULD be like! The controversy on that show has dissappeared into a giant jamba juice paid advertisement sketch. They would get so much ratings if they became radical again, less good natured. Political again. Kind of pathetic that SNL is still on sabbatical from Bush poking. You remember the decalration that they'd no longer make fun of him after 9-11. You couldn't do shit after that holiday, couldn't even eat fuckin' french fries without 9-11 having a say. Fuck. I hated that shit. But Sinead wasn't around then to be called a commie with the Dixie Chicks. She retired and grew her hair out.



Kind of a Tina Fey vibe. Actually when Tina Fey was on mainstage she was a short-haired chick.



A little like that. Very girl-who-sat-behind-me-in-French-Film-Class.



OH FUCK, funniest story ever, almost forgot. I lived next to the 97x tower, I'm sure someday I'll grow a third arm, but the most rebellious third arm possible. And we got 97x through every thing. For 8 years you could hear 97x on the phone for every phone call. Until we bought an elaborate series of dampers, it filled every silence on tv.

05/05/06

For many years we had a short-haired chick in our midst, her name was Julie Coe and moments after I thought she was cute because of the length of her hair...



My co-hort, friend, and business partner Justin Kaufmann stepped in and made his move because of the breadth of her personality, and our lives were all changed for the better.



So see, I'm not the only one, Justin was first wooed and eventually married a short-haired chick.



And who could blame him, look how cute!



And sassy.



And she knows how to roll.



Now these pictures were given to me by Julie, these are chef's choice. I don't know why of all the short-haired pics of her that these ended up in the mix.



Uh, Justin?



JUSTIN!!!!!!!???!?!?!

And as usual I save the sexiest for last.



Happy Birthday Julie, and Katie, and Josh Blaylock.

05/11/06



Angelina Jolie. Short-haired Angelina Jolie.



I never wanted to like Angelina Jolie because I'm a contrarian. She's popular. I don't like her. Plus, who cares? I don't like being a contrarian because it blocks me off from all kinds of great cultural movements, and I love cultural movements. So there's a contradiction, and I'm trying to get better by pretending I'm still 20.



Angelina is immensly popular and much talked about, the press has always covered what dick she's taking in her vagina this week so that makes me contrarian, I don't like her and I don't like Brad because I have to hear about them all the time. Plus, who cares?



But here's the thing about Angelina. She's a real movie STAR. Capital S capital T capital A capital R. Because despite how much I want no not like her, I DO. I completely buy it. I buy her, I buy Brad, and most of all I buy Mr. & Mrs. Smith because it's a great film. But hey if you found out Mission Impossible III was a great movie, like Usual Suspects great, 6th Sense great, would you go see it? Fuck no, because of Tom Cruise, he's no longer a movie star.



But no matter how sick I was of Bradgelina (which is what six-year-olds call them because they're six), I was SO THERE! That amount of publicity that makes me hate them because I'm a contrarian did not make me not want to go. And once there did not care that they were having great beautiful people sex during the shoot, I just enjoyed their very charming movie star performances.



Movie stars are larger than life anyway, but their affairs are larger than life and acceptable. Your neighbor has an affair, what an asshole, Brad Pitt does and, what a man. I was too young to be a part of the classic on-set affairs that made headlines worldwide like Steve McQueen and Ali MacGraw, or Stevali McQraw as they would've been dubbed had the 70's media been advanced anough. I wasn't around for Elizabechard Taylurton nor Spencryn Heptracy as our advanced futuristic more intelligent media might have spun it. But I got a lot of glee at being in the middle of one of these affairs in our generation. It's real Hollywood stuff, because they are real Hollywood stars.



Unlike Ben Affleck, remember him? Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting? No, the other one. Nothing? Well anyway, he flirted with this classic Hollywood voyeurism with Jennifer Lopez. Singer? Money Train? Nothing? Well anyway that's how we got the need to combine star names for extra media fun. Bennifer, BenLo, StupidStupid. It must have pissed them off when he went and married someone with the same first name. Damn, it's Bennifer again. Bennifer Barner, Biegfried & Broy.



Brad, I can't believe the most famous man in America's named Brad. Brad's so...Brad. Brad Dunn. Come on.



So I like Angelina, I want to not think she's gorgeous because she's so famously known for being gorgeous, but she is. And she was a damn good looking short-haired chick before she became all "pointy" as Kate puts it. Hackers Angelina.



Okay, premise accomplished, let's get dirty.



Is your boss around?



Go check. Short-Haired-Chick-Friday will not be held responsible for your losing your IT job at Allstate.



Okay. Here we go.




boom



Boom! And...


LAST ONE!


BEST ONE!


LAST ONE!


BEST ONE!



BOOM!

Have a nice day.

05/19/06

Lazy Short-Haired Chick Friday

Okay, it's been a busy week. We've been preparing tonight's massive Rent Party, which I'm assuming I'll see you all at, and if you're not interested in coming, then you obviously haven't been following Stephe's AMAZING run as a scoop reporter and social activist in the firing of Michelle Leigh, who, I can't even believe, is going to be there tonight. In addition Sean Cusick has asked me to be a writer/cast member in his Directing Thesis at The Second City, plus I just rewrote my screenplay, which, by the way, completely kicks ass. Finally after years of trying I feel like I've actually mastered the form. For any apsiring screenwriters out there the secret is, it's not done yet and first drafts are so worthless it's not really worth spending that much time on them. Get it over with and move into rewriting, and then rewrite again. I know I know you've heard the same lesson 100 times, but the only way to find out why people say that is to do it, and then start a blog and repreat it.

Bottom line: Short-Haired Repeat: Marley Shelton

I don't know shit about her except that she caught my eye in Sin City. A comic book orgasmic event anyway.

Here's Marley with Raab Himself (that reference is for my sister)



Gee why would she catch my eye?



But evidently she was also a cheerleader in Sugar & Spice.



which I feel I'd be annoyed at. And she was also the hot girl in the bikini who laid next to Jake Gyllenhall in Bubble Boy, which I feel I would be annoyed at.



She's got nice eyes and pretty classical good looks, you could make that pic black & white and fuzz it up and she might look right at home as a 1930's cabaret diva.



Marley grew up in Eagle Rock, California. Her mother, Carol, was a teacher and former singer and her father, Christopher Shelton, worked as a director and producer. She has three sisters: Koren, Erin, and Samantha. Both of her parents were involved in local theater projects, but as a teen, Marley was never interested in life on the stage. While at Eagle Rock High School, she was a varsity cheerleader, was voted Prom Queen and held part-time jobs at stores like Contempo and Wet Seal.

I looked that up.



Her high school prom date was with her boyfriend at the time - "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997) actor, Nicholas Brendon. He bought her 100 roses, wore a tux and drove a black convertible Mustang. Marley said that he "totally did it right".

Fag.



A fag who fucked Marley Shelton.



Hot.



Hotter.



Hottest.

05/26/06

Let's see, I've had Natalie Portman, eh, kind of attractive, Keira Knightley, not bad, Selma Blair, Angelina Jolie, Shannyn Sossamon. I guess they're all okay. But I think I'd put them all in a bus and send them into the Little Miami River for...



Katherine Moennig.



Everything I love about chicks with short hair is right here. Perfect. Short, hair, spunky attitude, small boobs, dresses like a boy, and plays a lesbian. Perfect. Now all she has to do is make an indie film or be in an indie band, or sleep with me.



That's right, boy it up, Kate!

She looks like Justin Theroux in Charlie's Angels 2, who I'm not attracted to, because he's a guy.



And could never pull off wearing that top.



Kate plays is on the show The L-Word, the L-word being "Loquatious"...because they're all so Loqua...wait, no..."Lesbian." I don't watch, it's on tv, cable to boot, so double-whammy there, actually, take back one of those whammies. I've been renting tv on dvd lately, what a great innovation. Cleverly timed with the advent of tv getting good. On my tv right now have to be three of the best shows ever made Viva La Bam (season two will make you laugh like nothing else, those guys are the best characters EVER), Battlestar Galactica (who made a bet with them that they couldn't make the greatest war tv show ever?) and Arrested Development (which I need to say nothing about).



Damn.

But unless I move in with Carla & Jessi or Heather & Judy or Liz & Steph I probably won't be watching this show anytime soon. But respect for her work is not really where I'm going with this.

Where was I going with this?



Oh yeah. ... ... hold on, I'm staring. Mentally touching.

Oh, hey, how perfect a segue is this?! My good good longtime friends at Gayco, the gay & lesbian sketch comedy troupe are putting up their newest review. This lesbian blog is now a lesbian tie-in. It's called The DaVinci GAYCOde, which is gay, but I guess that's the point. I suggested the title Roarance of A Labia but they chose to uncover the mysteries of OpusGei, which is funny.



Did I put that picture up already? My bad.

The Davinci GAYCOde
Runs Fridays and Saturdays at 7:45 PM
June 1 through July 9
Theatre Building Chicago
1225 West Belmont Avenue
Box Office: 773.327-5252
Purchase Tickets from Theatre Building
Purchase tickets at Ticketmaster
Tickets: $20

And they're funny, great sketch chops, whether you're gay or straight their sketch comedy is tops, they've been doing this for 10 years, and they were good before they had 10 years under their gay belts. Go! Go now! Get to the CHOPPER NOW!!!



Shit, must be hitting the wrong button. Which is ironic considering that picture is pushing all the right ones.

I should do a Todd Voorhies review of GayCo's new show. "Ummm, so, fuckin', why don't the lesbians make out more?"

Which is the weird stigma about male obsession with lesbians. Not me. I just like that they have short hair and usually like playing on playgrounds more than many straight women, they don't usually like Irish Eyes, like some straight women. Don't get me wrong, I love watching Lesbians makeout, especially when I'm dating one of them.



I've dated many women who played lesbians, some of which still play lesbians, soooo probably not an act. Hey, if you're gonna date short-haired chicks, you're going to date your share of lesbians. If I were a meathead I'd be all broken up over this symbolic inadequacy at pleasing women and probably do something desperate out of self-hatred. But I am no meathead, instead I am friend to all lesbians.



Which, rumor has it, Kate Moennig is not. Sorry to blow it for and L-Worders out there.

LAST ONE!

BEST ONE!

LAST ONE!

BEST ONE!



Okay, I know, there's a dude in the shot. But that's not where I'm looking. Abs. Throw abs into my list of perfect short-hair attributes. Abs.

Hold on...staring...mentally touching.

NOW GO SEE X-MEN!

06/02/06

Fuck fuck fuck.

My computer blew up, so now I'm doing this on the office computer and I have to wait until dipfuck and pissshit are done on this computer to get on and post pictures of short-haired chicks. Sorry it's late. I'm a man without a country with my Mac in the shop.

It's probably not the wisest thing to post titty shots on the office computer, but when you have a job that you can't get fired from, you take your liberties. If they want respect, give me a staff position.

Meanwhile...

Well the time has come, one very obvious Short-haired chick has been sorely missing for a year and three months. I was waiting for the perfect oopportunity where all the interests of the Otisblog come together, superhero movies and short-haired chicks. The time has come - X-Men 3



Wait a second. Her hair's not short.



There we go. Way more than some flavors of the moment or some boy-girls that I'm infatuated with, this is a REAL short-haired chick, it took a long time to collect pictures of Angelina Jolie in short hair, but it is nearly inpossible to find a picture of Halle Berry withOUT short hair.

And for a blog that OBSESSES on live-action Superheroes, she's perfect. Storm AND Catwoman AND a Bond Girl. Come on.



Sure Catwoman reportedly sucked and she was really terrible as Storm, but still, I give all live-action Superhero movies props just for existing, I respect that Catwoman exists, like Man-Thing, Steel, and the Dr. Strange tv movie. And that was a pretty good Bond film. Though how great does Casino Royale look?



It's cool that she was Storm. I just get diddy seeing people dressed up as superheroes, when I see Wolverine I get giddy, wanting to nudge the person next to me and point at the screen "Look it's Wolverine...for real."



No matter what happens to a frog when it gets struck by lightning I get a kick out of seeing Storm all dressed up like Storm and flying around and shocking people and causing tornadoes. It's just cool. *nudge*nudge* Look, it's Storm.



How beautiful is Halle Berry, it's kinda ridiculous isn't it?






I've never seen Monster's Ball, so I've never seen that time she acted well, but X-Men is not indication of what I've been told is her talent. She recevies a lot of guff for being a bad actress, but I think it's unfair. Nobody gives Mira Sorvino a bunch of shit for being a bad actress.



And what's the call on the Oscar thing if your an actress? They all cry, it gets lots of press and makes all the montages, cry cry cry. So you're an actress and you win and you know it's a cliche, do you force it? It just seems like thanking god when you win an NBA Championship, you just have to do it.



Did you know that she was given a "Razzie" award for her performance in Catwoman and actually showed up in person to accept the award and then did a parody of her Oscar speech. That's pretty cool. But how simple is it of the producers at every newstation in America to include the "Razzies" as their lighter side for the news that day EVERY year. That concept it so tired. Funny in 1980, I gues, like Doonesbury.



She's also famous for showing her tits in Swordfish.





But I couldn't show that.




Because I'm on my work computer, and you're at work and you'll get in trouble.




Because it would shockingly appear on your screen and you would've received no warning to look around and make sure that your boss isn't around




And then you'd get in a bunch of trouble.





Because I didn't warn you.






And besides. That's not what my blog's about.




I would ever put a nude photo on this blog because the just really lowers the discourse and that's not what scvhadenfreude.net is all about.



Fuck. I think I hit the wrong button.

06/16/06

Don Hall was pissed about last weeks rerun, and I don't have any time today, and yet I've squeezed one out. This one's for you Don.



Hey look it'sTaryn Manning, and she has short hair in this picture.



Hey look it'sTaryn Manning, and she doesn't have short hair in this picture. See where I'm going with this?



If I only find one picture of Taryn Manning with short-hair is the whole blog justied? For Taryn's supercute sake I'm gonna go ahead and say yes. I believe the Supreme Court Verdict of Ryder v. Portman has laid out that only one instance of short-hair is enough to publish all of Taryn's Maxim and Stuff photoshoots.



Which just a wee bit hot.



Taryn is most known for her role as "whore" in Hustle & Flow. I'm sure she has a name in the movie, and I'm sure I don't care. She shows her boobs in that movie, it's awesome. Godbless the not-famous-yet.



I've actually been a Taryn Manning fan for a long long time. This is really odd, but she is in this great movie called The Specials. A very good superhero riff with some great subtle jokes starring Jim Zulevic, some guy named Haden-Church, that guy who hosted the Jamie Kennedy experiment, I'm blanking on his name, and that guy that got caught fucking on video, and Jim Zulevic.



Anyway. Blink and you'll miss it, but there's a scene at a comicon where a woman comes up to Rob Lowe I think and has him sign his autograph and in two lines and 30 seconds of screentime I thought she was the cutest damn thing I ever saw. She won me over. Real perky and natural. So I examined the credits and kept an eye on her.



I NEVER IMAGINED I've be able to see sexy photospreads of this uber-obscure talent or that she's show her

Taryn is a perfect example of the principal that there's more to short-haired chicks than the length of their hair. It the personality of the type of woman who would cut their hair short that I'm attracted to.



Cuteness is a big one, nothing brings out cute like short-hair, nothing more disconcerting than a cute woman with long hair, just doesn't make sense. Happy girls cut their hair short, good attribute, Earthy girls cut their hair short and earthy girls rock.



Feminists cut the hair short, I love the feminists. But I don't think Taryn's one.



Too bad because nobody fucks like a feminist.

06/23/06

It's time to revisit and old old favorite and do her justice. Or perhaps just do her...in our minds.

It all started a long time ago on the wall of a 13-year-old Adam Witt far far away.



Sigh. I was never the kid who collected teen magazines or really had any teen crushes, I was too busy watching Star Wars and working on my filmmaking career to have time for petty teen crushes. However I was this kid who was friends with Richard Jones, who's Mom had a job stocking magazines for local retailers, that added up to a lot of free teen magazines and free pinups.



Much to my chagrin in the 7th grade you were required to develop crushes on girls and declare a band your favorite. I chose Alyssa Milano and Def Leppard, and neither have let me down since.



She was just so damn cute! ANDshe was in the best movie ever made (at the time), Commando.



So, movie connection satiated, I developed a huge crush.



27" x 41" to be exact. I'm a Devil's fan to this day (they've had a few pretty good years in the interim) This poster was the centerpiece of 20 other pinups provided by Richard (including the one at the top of this post). What a crush it was. And it got deeper, I found out she was born on December 19th, 1972.



Yes, the exact same day as me. At the time I thought this connection would someday magnetically attract us and we would get married, though I supposed that would make me just as likely to marry pop-sensation Limahl or model Tyson Beckford.

And then...



Not satisfied that she was perfect in every way she went and did a nude scene. YES!



Thank you thank you thank you. Prayers were literally answered that day. The Hollis Brothers and I crowded around that tv the day it was released and watched the worst movie with two of the best minutes ever filmed. Alyssa's legend just kept on growing. And then one day to further answer some stray prayers.



The hair came off. A boyhood crush would continue into middle age, the exact same middle age she was in, to the date.



A couple of years ago while at my new job at a production company I met a guy I would end up writing a screenplay with and who would ultimately convince me to quit my job over IM. I was asked by someone when my birthday was, I said "December 19th 1972." To which my future screenwriting partner responded "Oh, the same day as Alyssa Milano." Which was super weird for him to know. I mean, it's my birthday, so I knew it, but for him to know it, that's just weird.



Turns out he dated her, which is pretty crazy.



She left him for Holly Marie-Combs, who I've seen naked. Well, not in person, but she was in the first movie I ever worked on, A Reason To Believe, and while I was locked off the set when she showed her boobs I did end up as an apprentice editor and made as many excuses as possible to sort through the raw dailies of her topless. Fun.



Nice.



Nicer



The best picture taken of anyone ever! EVER! EVER! EVER!



MOON KNIGHT!

to be continued...

06/30/06

In 1990 Northern Exposure aired.



And everybody fell in love. It was universal. She was just so damn tomboy cute. I no longer felt alone in my little predilection towards short-haired chicks, because everyone liked Janine.



What a regular gal. I like the "regular gal", a girl you can pal around with. You see, Janine played a mechanic and Mechanic's don't believe in no fancy dressin' up and nights at the opera. Mechanics would rather play pinball with you at a dive bar after they've put five bucks worth of Metalica in the juke. To make sure you got the point, the makeup person put grease on her face. Do you get it now?





Not all short-haired chicks are regular gals, it just always seemed to my that you ran a great chance of nabbing a regular gal if you kept your eyes on the short-haired ones. And the casting guys in Hollywood obviously see that. The short-haired actresses nab all the regular gal roles, because it's more believeable.



Northern Exposure was also a good litmus test for whether a girl was worth going out with. If a girl liked Northern Exposure she was pretty worth your time. It was at least a good sign. Liking Twin Peaks was a better sign, but Northern Exposure would do.



I actually only watched a few episodes of Northern Exposure, but they are huge memories because of the girl I was dating at the time, Mindy Pieper. Whatever happened to Mindy? Just about the cutest girl ever.



It certainly was the best courting ever, she was in my film studies class and grasped my arm during "The Birds." I mean how classic is that!? I give credit to Larry Shure who left a seat open between us that night. Thanks man.



Anyway, she had a Northern Exposure night in her dorm and I got to be a part of that while I dated her.



But I was 20 so I fucked it all up.



She would later move in with my short-haired Junior-year girlfriend, Leah. ...awkward. But I made it more so because I was 22 and still fucking everything up. Plus since we were all 22 and the weight of the world was on our shoulders I think we all secretly enjoyed how fucked up it all was. Stupid 20's.



Mindy had kinda short hair at that time but the last time I ever saw her was in an indie record store in Cincinnati, she was super indie and had completely chopped her hair and dyed it blond, it looked AWESOME, so hot. Why was I such a 20 year old?



Later on while dating Carla, who had awesome short-hair as well, I would find out that Carla and Mindy dated. Small world, small world in which ex-girlfriends can have dated current girlfriends. Again, why was I such a 20 year old? Of course, if you are going to date short-haired chicks you will date a few lesbians, but I'm sure we're all willing to take your chances there.



So, uh, yeah, Janine, don't know a fucking thing about her.

07/07/06

What? Baywatch? Short-Haired Chick Friday? These two things seem to be in conflict.



Luckily Baywatch was an equal opportunity employer. Never really watched the show, but when I did there was one girl I enjoyed watching. The one with the small boobs that looked like she could actually save your life.



The triathalete, Alexandra Paul. She looks good doesn't she?



I like a good jaw on a woman.



Damn. That is a lot of teeth. The better to gnaw through the safety-belt on your crashed cigarrette boat. Boat safer next time!!! How many times must we tell you??!



A little younger in this next one.



I guess you get that jaw from working your ass off to have 1% body fat.



She's built, yet wears flowery dresses. In other words, PERFECT. A lot of people would say that you might as well fuck a guy, and those lot of people all thought Linda Hamilton was hot in Terminator 2.



Nice. Girls that strong don't wear easily in bed and can get in all kinds of kooky positions.



That's right Alexandra, Doc-Martin-punk that shit up.



Oh wait, what's this? Headed to the mountains are we Alexandra?



Flowers? For me, why thank you 80's Alexandra with the New Wave porn punk coiff.



Hey look, it's every hot girl at Myrtle Beach in 1985.



Alexandra Paul, again, don't know shit about her. But that's not really what this is about is it?

07/14/06

Last night at the Neo-Futrarium the audience was witness to a future.



A dark future. A fucked up Apocalyptic mess. An apocalyptic future in which we still hated the Russians and information was still stored on "tapes."



I was reminded of Tank Girl. Well, technically I was reminded of Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn and Robot-Jox, but that doesn't lead me to short-haired chicks. But, and this is important, the fucking apocalypse happened, accept it.



Tank Girl was an iconic image of all that's great about short-haired chicks, she's an independent take-no-shit grrrrl who's ability to cynically brush off any serious situation gave her the upper hand in a future with evil warlords looking to abscond with the last of earth's water (aren't they always?).



I forget much of the concept of Tank Girl except that she roams the post-apocalyptic future in a tank and meets up with lots of half-kangaroo men and throws around a lot of snarky comments on serious situations, and there's Malcolm McDowell (isn't there always?)





But that's not the point here, the point is, THE APOCALYPSE HAPPENED!



War has been outlawed and all disputes are settled by men in giant robots and women in Tanks. Conner Kalista and Sandy Marshall put together the staged reading of Robot-Jox and Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn for It Came From The Neo-Futrarium V: Bride of the Neo-Futurarium.



Man was it fun, we are such 33 year old children living out our childhood fantasies. Which we've been doing it for a while, we dressed up as the cast of WKRP for the New City Photo shoot, we got to play the cast of Up The Creek for our last gig at It Came From The Neo-Futurarium, we're playing Lollapalooza, just a bunch of big kids. I guess anybody who's in entertainment who's not a big kid should probably leave.



At the end of Robot-Jox Sandy and Conner come out as the Robots while Justin and Joe Dempsey pretended to be the robot operators inside the robots. We wanted to dress the Sandy & Conner up in shitty box costumes, the idea was ditched due to time constraints, but I couldn't have that. Just having Conner and Sandy boxing wasn't funny enough, so a couple hours before the show I quickly put together some shitty robot costumes out of U-Haul boxes for the bodies, soda boxes for legs, and Brita and a Space-heater boxes for their heads. It was hilarious. Sandy was wearing real head-gear and I told him to slip the space-heater box over it because it was funnier, but Sandy liked how all the red matched which is a weird rationale. Conner, having much more respect for comedy, ditched the headgear for the Brita box, very funny.



They made Tank Girl into a movie in 1995. I guess they were down to the bottom of the barrell, all the other comic books had already been turned into movies, The Rocketeer, The Shadow, Dick Tracy, so Tank Girl was next. Lori Petty has to be one of the best bits of casting ever. She really is Tank Girl.




That's Naomi Watts as Jet Girl, FYI

So the audience was wearing thin, they were laughing less and the combo of Metalstorm and Robot-Jox was starting to drag on, too much of a good thing. But the final showdown between the two big robots, Conner and Sandy, was finally here. At first the two robots lumber towards each other in robot fashion.



And then after one robotic punch, Conner returns with a real human punch and then Conner and Sandy start beating the piss out of each other onstage for real. The audience had that rarity of shocked laughter, Conner took one to the face knocking Brita box off (at this point I regretted telling him to go for the Brita box, but it was funnier), and a sweaty Conner returned a shocking blow to Sandy. The audience gasped and then laughed because it was such a disconnect from this heretofore calm staged reading and yet completely within the theme. Great ending, violent and hilarious.



Lori's obviously on her way to a Cure concert there, or perhaps just breakfast. I found a lot of old pictures of Lori because she's basically a dude now.



But she is an artistic dude and I'd have no problem with a paint-splattered artist Tank Girl running around my loft making art that I have to pretend is good to get a little Tank Girl nookie. But I don't think Lori likes guys. The point is, the apocalypse happened.

07/21/06

I wouldn't suggest looking at this if your boss is even IN today. Very sexy stuff. In fact, just to be sure, you may want to have your boss killed before you look at this.



A while back I posted a Short-Haired Chick Friday featuring local (and since that blog NATIONAL) Burlesque talent, Michelle "Toots" L'Amour



So I got an email from Franky, her manager, complimenting me on the blog and agreeing with me that Michelle has a pretty amazing ass.


That's Franky.

He wanted to meet because one of the points I had made in the blog was that I found burlesque shows that showcase comedy were never funny.


Ridiculously cute, isn't she?

I was mostly making my comment on Burlesque from what I know of Lenny Bruce when he used the platform of introducing burlesque shows to single-handedly crossfade vaudeville to the standup we know today. Franky wanted to know if I might be able to help add some jokes and I was more than happy to help out.



We met at this bar next to The Music Box. The main room was kind of packed so I went to the back room which was amazingly unpacked and full of girls, after I tried to order a drink I realized I'd crashed a bachelorette party.



So then I met Franky and Michelle. It was so weird. I mean I've pretty much seen Michelle naked, and then talked a bunch about it on our website. If you know me and my tastes though, I run a lot more jeans and t-shirt than dresses and high-heels. Well here was Michelle in jeans and a t-shirt, and she was SO DAMN CUTE! We talked for quite a while about the shows Franky was cooking up and agreed to meet again and take a look at some of the stuff Franky had done and come up with a few sketches we could shoot for their website.



In the meantime Michelle went national.



After three solid weeks of phone tag during which I quit my job and decided to move to L.A., Franky and I finally got together and wrote some skits, and in the interim Franky asked me if I knew anyone that knew how to do the voice of KITT from Knight Rider. Odd question, but I gave my shot at it.



As it turns out Franky had a great idea for Michelle's next appearance on America's Got Talent, to have Michelle do a striptease on the hood of a mockup of KITT with me doing the voice! I told my Mom who told everybody in the world that her son had finally made it.



And then lawyers got involved. Knight Rider is no longer owned by the network that airs America's Got Talent and the bit got nixed. Although Franky told me that the bit may not be completely dead. Wish us luck!



I think Franky and Michelle are onto something huge. Modern Burlesque will soon be a huge industry. It's tasteful stripping, something suburban housewives can buy into because it's classy, and something their husbands can get into because it's boobies. Anytime a guy can get away with wanting to see naked women and not be considered a dirty heel, that's a billion dollar industry.



Michelle will be at the Rent Party tonight, so stop on by and say hi to this Talented American.



And if you're not sure if these Rent Party's are worth your time, I urge you to watch the montages of the last three events. The last one took like six hours to edit, so please, go watch it.



07/28/06

Ladies and gentlemn, I present the star of Lady In The Water, The Village, and Gwen Stacy from Spider-Man 3, Bryce Dallas Howard.



The thinking man's Kirsten Dunst, why does she never look that good in her movies?



I just heard M. Night Shyamalan on Howard Stern (who's new show, by the way, is easily, EASILY the best work he's ever done). Howard Stern is the first place I ever heard of him. Night is a huge fan and called into Howard's show about a week before The Sixth Sense opened. Night took a lot of shit about being Indian that day, he is an incredibly good sport. Night has come on Howard every time during his meteoric rise. Unlike other entertainers like Jim Carrey or Jerry Seinfeld, who during their club days or initial cancellation of Seinfeld couldn't keep out of Howard's studio and now won't go near it. Even after making $4billion on his films, Night has no problem following a dominatrix.



I'll be seeing Lady In The Water this weekend, but needed the tie-in to Bryce Dallas Howard for Short-haired chick Friday and I wanted to come to his defense. I love M. Night, and got a little pissed off during the march to Iraq, I mean the march to the opening of Lady In The Water, I'm so fucking tired of being manipulated by the fucking media.



I've got a degree in communications, I've studied the media for decades, I've manipulated media as an editor and I get it, I don't even see the commercial or the 20 second spot on headline news, I see the angle and the intent and the way they manipulate me so believe I need a blackberry, and make Kate believes that there was a perfectly valid reason for all 7 of Tower 7's poured-concrete re-bar struts to give out SIMULTANEOUSLY because of glass blown from the World Trade Centers.



I'm glad to see in this M. Night controversy all of America has rushed to the side of the little guy, Disney. You know the talking points; ego, spoiled, ego, can't take criticism, democrats just like criticizing the president, ego. It might be conspiratorial of me, but I believe Disney owns some tv networks, I believe some magazines too, they also produce shows, I have a feeling Access Hollywood or Extra is one of them, do we know who owns the E! network? Disney's a pretty big company, I wonder who's ego is bigger and who's is hurt?



My girlfriend started hacking on M. Night the other day about his, get this "ego", and then threw out some jab like "I get it, all your films have surprise endings, and I never see it coming, I get it..." Like it's easy to make a reputation at all in the industry much less develop yourself as a brand, a brand that means quality. That's like saying "Hitchcock, I get it, I don't know what's going to happen next, there's a lot of suspense, and I'm tired afterwards..." or "Coen Brothers I get it, you make genius films."



Plus, that's not what's great about Night anyway. What's great about Night is that he's a genre deconstructor, Unbreakable is his Spider-Man, Signs is his ID4, The Village is his Evil Dead, Lady In The Water is his...I don't know, haven't seen it, but I hear it's his kid's movie. If Unbreakable is his Spider-Man then I want to see his kid's movie. And beyond that he looks so closely at the effect of the fantastic events on people and families with problems, and not in that "Peter Parker's a real-teen" way, but in that "Bruce Willis can find the strength of a superhero yet can't hold his family together" way.



So Disney doesn't like Night's script, claimed the concept was "difficult," as I imagine the concept of The Village was, and Night went to Warner Brothers. That isn't really unique. Warner's courted him (not unique), but they courted him by letting him make the film he wanted to make. Can casting Paul Friggin' Giamatti be considered selling out? Why do I have a feeling Disney was not overly happy with Paul Giamatti to open their summer tentpole, which they're right to do, and Night had options, options he's earned through being really fucking good at making movies.



But Night is a part of the most hated race, the rich and successful, but I can't begrudge him for becoming one off the few directors who's films can be sold on his name. Does Night have an ego? Yes. Is that news? In Hollywood? I love the guy, I think his shit is genius and he'd have to do something different with his movies to make me not want to see them, but Lady In The Water looks like he's doing exactly what I love him for, only the media is telling me otherwise.





Did you know Tower 7 is only the third steel-structure building to collapse because of fire? The first two ever to collapse because of fire happened an hour earlier.

"...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
- Sherlock Holmes

ed. note: I hated this movie.

ed. note: I still feel that any man who flees police custody is probably guilty, as is any government that attempts to supress investigation of a crime. I'm not saying what they're hinding, just that something's being hidden...something noble, I'm sure.

08/14/06

Live from the Days Inn In Springfield, Illinois



It's Short-Haired-Chick...Monday?

So I fucking didn't get to it, geesh.



But what am I going to say about Annie Lennox anyway? Would I lie to you honey? Now would I say somethin' that wasnt' true, I'm askin' you honey would I liiiiiiiie to you? I love singing that song. Annie is kickass, she's never given up on the short-hair, she's fierce, she's independent, and she looks good old. I'd love to picnic with her, talk global politics and then have park-sex.



Meanwhile, I'm in Springfield, IL, living at the Days Inn (which is all Barton Finky weird as a write in my hotel room). I'm working at the State Fair, who could've predicted that five days ago?

This is my flatmate Decklund 5.



Decklund 5 lived on my coffee cup for a few minutes. Decklund 5 showed up after I was working on Alderman at 5am and Decklund 3 crawled across my foot in a perfectly silent hotel room at 5am. Not more than ten minutes later i felt something ticklish on my knee and met Decklund 4. Yes, disgusting. I was as enraged as a sleep-deprived manual laborer can be at 5am as he tries desperately to get the very very very very very very very very very second-to-the-last script revision on Alderman to Sandy by 7am. So went my second night in the hotel.



And now It's time to, Pull Open The 'But'

The whole experience of this random-ass job and this random-ass location and this journey and this alien atmosphere so far has ridden the line of being incredibly exhilarating and so fucking depressing. But, oddly, this is a feeling I enjoy. I want stability, but know I'll be no good as an artist as soon as I have it.



After 10 years of office work I'm working at a fair. Do you know how exciting that is after 10 years of office work? But, I'm working at a fair. Losers do that.



After 10 years of being a city boy I'm back to hanging out with country-folk, which I spent the first 14 years of my life immersed in, it's exciting to be in an atmosphere so warmly memory laden. I went to the Ohio State fair every year with my Mom, Dad 2.0, Aunt Phyllis and Uncle Greg. Every year. Period. Every year. But I guess I never noticed how fucking fucked-up a lot of the people were.



I did manual labor, moved all this stuff around, put up a huge tent, drove a big truck. Manual labor is so mindless it's relaxing, even though it's completely not. But, I forgot what I hated about manual labor, it's not the labor, it's the chitchat. I can't take the chitchat. "I don't know dude, it might rain, what the fuck's my opinion going to add or subtract?"





I can't really stand to see them to play because I see poor people getting poorer at the hands of corporations and advertisers, But I can't turn down the paycheck made by exploiting them. Christ, I'm a Republican, but in my head, I'm a Carny.



Our tent is not on the Midway, we're next to the cowboy hat retailer and two hot-tub retailers. We're across from the Illinois Republicans tent and the Airbushed T-Shirt camper. Incidentally I would like to sum up the entire Illinois State Fair opening day parade in one picture.



It sucked, because parade's suck.



08/20/06

Live from the Denny's across the street from the Days Inn in Springfield, Illinois



it's Short-Haired Chick Day 10 in Springfield.



Dude, I don't even know what a Friday is, all I know is I spent all day explaining Plinko to idiots.



There are a lot of retarded people at this Fair. You spend a lot of time explaining in general, like explaining why there's Whack-A-Mole in the Lotto booth. But when the retarded people come in I have fun poorly explaining the concept and having them nod in understanding. You can explain the concept of soup while they're holding the Basketball and they'll just nod and start throwing the ball. "Have at it buddy, hope you win."



I popped back into Chicago for Friday Nights show, which, according to many in attendance was our best so far, which it didn't feel like to me. I felt out of it since I'd been out of town for the creation of the show. I truly was in a guest spot, which I guess I'll have to get used to. I did basically solo stuff because it's easier to stick in the show. I felt like the Eric Idle of Schadenfreude. Hey guys I promise I won't bully you into the musical rights in 30 years.



I'm loving my little neighborhood here in Springfield. My little Lady In The Water community in my complex, above, below, and across the way. And due to my antisocial behavior they are all woefully undeveloped just like the characters in Lady In The Water. And then there's my two neighborhood haunts, the Circle K and the Denny's across the street.

Great thing about being in a Denny's is you know everyone in every other Denny's across the country is just as depressed as you are.
-Drew Carey



So I'm a Manager, I'm ten years older than the rest of my staff and they made me a Manager. I guess if you're doing this work and you're 33 that's what they call you. So I'm the gray-haired white dick who gets called racist because I told the 10 rowdy black kids having a pissing contest with each other over who's the better Pop-a-shot player that they had to leave.







Every night a band plays at the Fairground, tonight was Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows. Which is hilarious, but not as hilarious as hearing the old lotto announcer say "Goo Goo Dolls" every twenty minutes for 10 hours. Actually for the first 6 hours he thought it was one band. "Enter for a drawing to win tickets to see The Counting Crow Goo Goo Dolls." I'd find it difficult to correct anyone on that as all names are fucking stupid. I also missed the combo of Foreigner and Blood, Sweat, and Tears the first night. That would've been interesting to see.



Everything in this scenario I'm living is very funny. Not only am I managing Bobo's and Doyin's next to the Counting Crows Concert but I drive the promo van...everywhere.



It's my only mode of transportation. When you drive the world's most conspicuous vehicle you get a lot of shit yelled at you. "Hey, you got any money?" "Hey you got any winning tickets?" or something. They're all joking, but what really cracks me up is that EVERYBODY says something. I laugh out loud that they're all involved in a bit and they don't know it. So everytime they say "Hey, can I get a ticket." I legitimately crack up and they think they're funny, but all I'm laughing at is the fact that, yet another person said the same thing.



09/08/06

Hey, look at me, on time, on the right day, posting at all. You're welcome, I promise to get better, or at least find my way back to Chicago from DeKalb.



Yes, I wrapped up the DuQuoine Hot-and-Muggy-and-Retarded-and-"Whatsis For?"-and-"Howzis Work?"-festival-for-people-who-love-the-lottory-booth-because-it's-the-only-free-thing-at-the-fair-fair. As one of the fair organizers stated "the longest 11 days of your life wasn't it?" Uh, yeah.


DUHHHHHHHHH...

I want to start a website, www.duhhhhhhhhhhhhh.com, and it's just a site full of celebrity pictures with DUHHHHHHHHHHHH! written under every one one of them. That's it. There's something so hilariously immature about letting out a big grade-school mock-stupid "Duhhhhhhhhh!", try it at work today. The next time someone says something obvious, let out a big, loud grade-school mock-stupid "DUHHHHHHHH"


DUHHHHHHHHH...

Mock-Stupid Duh was the name of my Competitive Eating Club in High School.



Jim McWilliams is now teaching High School at the High School I graduated from in Oxford, OH. He says it's great to finally have kids that are precisely his maturity level, he had previously taught 5th graders. On the first day of class his High Schoolers asked Jim if he wanted to start an afterschool Art Club. Jim said he wouldn't be interested in an Art Club but he would be interested in a Guinness Book of World Records Club. They begin planning to break the walking-backwards record next week. Hilarious.



Oh, the short-haired chick is Ashley Scott by the way, she was on this short-lived show called Birds of Prey, which is the Batman tv show you didn't know about.



Not really Batman, but Batgirl, Huntress, and Oracle, three characters from the Batman comic book who fight crime. Didn't see it, though i'd love to. I'm a huge live-action superhero movie fan and I am all-inclusive in my worship. If I can drag my VCR to my buddies house in 1995 to tape the Generation-X(based on the X-Men comic book, not the generation) because he got better reception, then I will probably be interested in Birds of Prey. Having Ashley Scott along for the ride certainly helps.



I love casting agents. "We need variation, we need to show that Huntress is different, she likes baseball instead of going to the mall. I've got it, short hair." The character has been officially developed, feel free to skip some meetings.



Ashley was also in the best movie of all time Into the Blue. But it's not really a movie so much as an excuse to presell Foreign rights with Jessica Alba's ass.



You know why I like that picture, because I now know precisely what her vagina looks like.



Ashley Scott, Jessica Alba, and Paul Walker. They don't look like they could figure out how soup works between the three of them.



It would be an entirely different movie if Ashley were still wearing her Sassafrass.





Uh, I'll take C.



My next-door neighbor in Carbondale was a Golden Corrall. I ate there a lot. I love buffets, I love anything that's good kitsch and also good, Jim McWilliams for example.



There's something hilariously sad about being in Carbondale at 10pm, sitting in a place that calls it's clientele cattle while reading The Thing meets The Man-Thing which I bought for 75 cents in town.



I tried to eat healthy, but I'm sure somewhere around the two-pound mark even salad becomes unhealthy.



Every kid at the fair was named Austin or Wyatt.



So I drove the six hours back to Chicago, finishing up my unabridged reading of David Geffen's biography and delving into The Teaching Company: Great Religions, excited to sleep in my own bed, a little beaten by the DuQuoine experiment, and I got a call. It was Adam, the other Adam, the guy who tells me where to go.

"Hey, I'm so sorry, this is so last minute, but can you be in Sandwich tomorrow morning for the Sandwich fair?"
"I don't even know what language you're speaking dude."
"Sandwich, Illinois."
"They named a town, Sandwich?"
"Yes, but that's not important right now.

And so begins another journey to another hotel room in another corner of that state that I previously thought bordered Kentucky somewhere just below 108th street and bordered Missouri somewhere just past Pulaski. As always, I'll keep you posted.


DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

09/15/06

I was in the subway the other day and saw an ad for Americas Next Top Model 7.



And I noticed two things. Two things just popped out at me.



And it's not the girl to the bottom right who looks like Arcee from Transformer's: The Movie. You can hardley tell she's a space car in her robot mode.

While I couldn't find any more pictures of them, I did find pictures of the last top model, or rather one of the runner-ups with short hair.



Mollie Sue



Check out her myspace page for her myspace page.



I don't really have time to comment on any of this as I'm prepping some bits for my roast.



Instead I'll substitute in a script from The cartoon M.A.S.K. from 1983



Mayhem: Hurry up.
Dagger: Yes, sir. I've never done such an easy job like this.
Sly Rax: Nothing like a good earthquake to scare people away.
Mayhem: Good Job. Let's get going.



Mayhem: M.A.S.K.! (Turns around)
Matt: This is it V.E.N.O.M.!



Woman: Help ! Somebody help !
Mayhem:Viper, fire!
Mayhem: How convenient…let 's get out of here.
Matt:Bruce, Brad, Alex, Gloria help that woman. We'll take care of VENOM.



Sly Rax: Stiletto fire!
Buddy:Penetrator on!
Hondo:Ugh!
Dagger:Torch on!
Dusty: Backlash fire!
Gloria: Aura on!
Woman: Nooo! Ahhhh!



Bruce: Lifter on!
Dusty:Backlash fire!
Vanessa: Eeayah!
Dusty: Better give up…now.
Vanessa Fat chance!!



Dusty: Woah!!
Dagger:Get in, quick!
Dusty: Hey! Stop!
Mayhem:This should slow him down.
Dusty: Oh Nooo…
Dusty: Hey! Wait a minute!
Dusty:Don't evaporate me!



Matt: Are you all right, Dusty?
Dusty:Well sort of…V.E.N.O.M. got away.
Matt: Don't worry. At least we got what they were after. Did you figure out what it was?
Alex:It 's a computer component used to divert earthquakes from populated areas to the desert or ocean floor.
Matt: Then obviously V.E.N.O.M. has the means to create earthquakes. That's obviously what the plutonium was for… some kind of earthquake device.



09/29/06

Party, my place, tonight, 8pm 5720 N. Wayne (Ridge & Wayne)



WARNING THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS PICTURES OF DOUG STANHOPE



I say that because I've met Doug Stanhope and I don't really like him, buuuuut after Howards interview with a much more mature Doug I do kind of like him. In 1999 Schadenfreude played The Chicago Comedy Festival in yet another stab at recognition.



Doug Stanhope came on and did a set wearing a bunch of our props and proceeded to tell no jokes, spill a beer on the audience and talk about who he'd like to fuck. Utter contempt for the audience (which he addressed on Howard). Later on during a "schmooze session" at a hotel bar Doug got drunk, put on a lampshade (yes, he literally did), pulled his dick out (yes) and proceeded to make a real immature jackass out of himself. The agents couldn't get enough of it. We realized we had yet to figure out the game of making it in comedy. We've since given up and have been met with unprecedented success comparative to those days.



SO WHO'S THE GIRL WITH DOUG!??



Her name is Bingo (Amy Bingaman) and she's the reason I now like Doug. The meathead that Doug personifies would not date a girl with a shaved head with extreme artistic tendencies who's spent time in a mental institution. The guy Doug personifies, Mr. Man Show (which he hated every minute of, I found out), should be dating a ditzy supermodel, but he's not. In fact the guy Doug personifies wouldn't even be seen near someone like Amy, who paints herself blue during psychotic episodes.



There's a fine line between insanity and pure genius. It's not just a phrase, it's true. Amy described some of the things she'd do when she had an episode, she would buy a bunch of silverware and plant it in the garden, hundreds of yards of forks an spoons sticking up. After one episode where she got fingered by an old hippy who was she and Doug's 'shroom dealer (they had some damn good stories) she freaked out and stapled hundreds of gloves to the walls of their apartment. Such odd behavior, but such an interesting place for your mind to go. I like it. It may be insanity, but it seems to edge that line of artistry. And it's not like she exhibits the art. It's just for her and how she deals with what's going on.



When Howard asked if Doug kicked the hippy's ass, Doug said no because they guy had really good 'shrooms. Artie then asked if Amy was planning anything special for her 200th episode, like Family Ties.


Bingo and...is that Steve Scholz?


She's so cute in that Wicker Park way.

And she's got a great voice as can be heard on her myspace page.

And then, like a champ, Bingo rode the Sybian.



The Sybian is this chair with a vibrating nub that Howard has girls sit on while Baba Booey runs the controls, turning up the vibration as the come to climax. Ah, Howard.



If you haven't bought Sirius or pirated an episode from bittorrent, or simply went to his VERY DETAILED daily blog, Howard Stern is easily 100 times better than he's ever been before, and it's not because he can curse and he does nothing that much wilder than he did on WCKG, it's just that he has a freedom now, no longer constrained by commercials that break up his show every twenty minutes, because Stern's show is all about flow. That's the big secret that all true intelligent Stern fans share, we all know what's great about his show, everyone else surmises, and surmises wrong.



It's not about sex, it's about Howard starting talking about a story in the paper, then Gary interrupting to talk about baseball, then Artie backing Gary up on, then Howard saying he hates baseball because of his Dad, then Artie and Gary talking about their Dad's and baseball, then someone calling in to make fun of Artie's Dad who was a veg after a roofing accident, then Howard's dad calling in and Howard sharing a moment, then a guy calling in, touched at the conversation crying because he lost touch with his Dad and all of them calling him a pussy. The Sybian ride was unplanned and occurred after two hours of uninterrupted airtime.





Jeff The Drunk says:

"That's Right Bitch!"

10/20/06

Sorry for the brief pause in the flow of short-haired chicks, please see yesterdays blog for my long star-fucking excuse.



By the way, today's Short-Haired Chick Friday is brought to you by THE SCHADENFREUDE RENT PARTY! Tonight, 8pm at the Gallery Cabaret, Todd Voorhies is throwing a Halloween Party and you're all invited, featuring a great lineup of three of my favorites Pete Grosz, Robert Buscemi (who was ridiculously funny at my roast), and the ever-wonderful Mike & Duane.



I was on the phone with the Schad crew while the wrote the show, I can't say I got any bits into the show, but I can't say they needed my help, there's some hilarious bits in the show, Kristopher Kriss won a genius grant and will be presenting the piece that cinched it, and Judy Barr-Topinka is going to debate Ed Bus. I'm jealous of all of you who are going to get to see this one first hand.



So I was going to post a SHCF on Nora Zehetner, which I'd just seen in Brick, but I'd already posted here, check it out here because she's super goddamn cute. Out of control, really.

But one short-haired hottie I'd never posted was Claire Danes.



Juliet herself, that chick in T3 herself, that chick in Mod Squad herself.



I don't know shit about her. I looked up her bio on IMDB and as far as I can tell she's boring. She's dating Billy Crudup, which probably won't force me to revise the previous statement, I can't imagine him being interesting.



Oh she was also voted by People as one of the 50 most beautiful people, thanks People, you're existence is validated.

So instead of talking about Claire I'll just let you look at pictures of her while I blab more about Los Angeles.



The coolest place I've been here so far is Long Beach, my friend The Unknown Blogger lives in Long Beach and it is the coolest goddamn area. It's only an hour away from L.A. by El (a term I refuse to stop using) and yet it's its own city. They have a whole bigass downtown and then this awesome walkable stretch with restaurants and bars, it's such a cool area and five minutes from the Beach. I loved it there, though I've been informed by many that all the punky short-haired chicks live in Silverlake, so I think I've found my home when I finally get an apartment.



I do not own a car, which is a huge pain in the ass, but my only other option was to save up for one and God knows when I would've moved to L.A. if I'd waited around for that. In the meantime I have mastered transit here, I'm currently crashing in the spare bedroom of Bart & Martha in Canoga Park which is this far from L.A., about 26 miles. In order to get into town I have to take the Saticoy bus two miles West to Topanga Canyon, take the Topanga bus two miles south to the Warner Center hub where they have this terrific new innovation called the Orange Line. Here's a concept that confused me for a while, it's not a train.



The Orange Line is a bus that has IT'S OWN ROAD. That's right, an entire 15 mile paved road used only by the Orange Line Bus. It only makes six stops and drops me off in North Hollywood where I get on the Red Line train that takes me into town. It's a pain in the ass, but you can get anywhere, you just have to alot 2 1/2 to 3 hours if you live in Canoga Park. But then you have to alot an hour and a half if you drive into town too, so, that's L.A.



Once I move to Silverlake to start ogling girls in Chuck Taylor's my transit woes will be eased. I found out that Dave Allen from Freaks and Geeks has never owned a car.



11/10/06

IT'S SHORT-HAIRED CHICK MOTHERFUCKING FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!

So Don, you can stop cursing my name. I know you were al thinking, "oh, Adam's got another new job, another three-hour bus commute, there's no way he's going to get up a short-haired chick Friday." Well that's where you're wrong...Don. Sure, I don't have a lot of time as I've got three buses to catch so I can log footage of actresses doing take after take after take after take after take of something that "just happened." But that doesn't mean I can't deliver not only a hot-ass, kick-your-ass short-haired chick but reams and reams of my usual snappy prose in my observational whipsmart style.



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And you thought I wouldn't have time.

11/17/06

So Pink's hot. She's a lot of woman. Kind of got a bulldog face, but I can get over that. I think everyone can, I think everyone wants to do Pink, no matter what they say.



Nobody fails anymore, how's she still around? She's called Pink and she has pink hair. They wear their clothes backwards and they're called Kriss Kross, Get it?



This sort of gimmick is ordinarily a deathknell. But nobody fails anymore. The industry just puts out so much product that everyone's welcome. Charlie Sheen is tv's #1sitcom dad? Jon Cryer has a job? Whatever happened to fly-by-night stars?



Child stars like Elijah Wood are in movies that make a trillion dollars. He was the co-star of The Good Son with Macaulay Culkin, back when kids knew how to bring a career to a crashing halt and not continue with unprecedented success. Guess Corey Haim (John Ritter?) didn't makes the deadline, though obviously his Vampire nemesis from Lost Boys did, hell even Jason Patric is still around. (John Ritter?)



Shit, I'm almost 34 and I'm the only non-hispanic on this bus. There's something sad about riding three hours both ways to log footage of a bunch of 24 year-olds driving around in Audi's because I can't afford a car.



There would be something sad about it, if I weren't almost 34. I should be jealous of of these kids as I play God watching their every move, but I know better, and you know better. Who knew what the fuck we were doing when we were 24? Could you imagine having everything handed to you at 24? Let's see, how quickly can I piss this away and significantly hurt my chances of ever getting it again?



Gameshows are no replacement for earning something. But earning something takes so fucking long. Oh, I guess reality stars fail, that would be the exception to my above theory. Though it kind of depends on how you define success.



I found all the hot chicks in L.A. They're all at Jill Benjamin's show, Wizardfinger, a monologues, magic, music, and movement showcase that Jill puts on and invites other talents from L.A. to come and perform. Jill and Jason Winer had very funny monologues. Note to Brendan, never leave an audience wondering if your teacher fucked you. Don't get me wrong, it was funny, but audiences should charge performers $50 a quarter-hour to play therapist...er analyst...er analrapist



Got to run into Josh and Missy finally, hadn't seen them yet. Josh broke his leg doing something I didn't know existed, a Zipline Tour. Evidently in the canopies of the forests of many South American tourist spots they string up these zip lines and you just zip from vista to vista, and every once in a while they don't tie the carabiners properly. Yipes.



But Jill hauls in the hotties, everyone at Molly McMurphy's? Murphy McMollies? Pholly McMickmick's? was hot and writers or actors with some degree of success. One of Jill's friends writes for My Name Is Earl which I only mention because it makes my sister think I'm famous because that's her favorite show ever ever ever!



Oh, Jessie, while I'm at it, they have a Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash in Santa Monica, I ride past it every day. They have the trenchcoat and bat-cowl from Mallrats and Matt Damon's Armor from Dogma in glass cases. The Potzer's sign from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back was above the counter which was manned by Steve-Dave. They were closed, I know because the sign on the door said "Beat it, brown-eye, we're closed."



And Robin Tunney? Don't know a thing about her, except she's from Chicago. South Side, represent! Hey that's a reference from earlier. This has been one circular Short-Haired Chick Friday.

12/08/06

For a long time I've been an avid collector of 80's pop soundtrack songs and I'm proud to say I'm listening to Fletch, Get Out of Town as I put this blog together. I don't know who the artist was but he's really passionate of Fletch getting out of town.



It was only a matter of time before I got around to posting a Short-Haired shout-out to a woman who won an Oscar for playing this girl.



I've never seen Boys Don't Cry, yes I can watch Hostel or even Hostile and know for 90 minutes that the people I'm about to watch are going to die or at least wish they had, but I can't bring myself to watch Boys Don't Cry knowing for 90 minutes that intolerant rednecks are going to rape and kill Hilary. Just can't do it.



Maybe I feel like I've spent quite enough of my life biting my tongue in the presence of intolerant rednecks and I'm good for the time being.



What an investment for her, huh? $75 a day is what she got played to act in Boys Don't Cry. Do you know how many asshole actors would turn that down because they're more aesomer than that and then NOT become $10 million actresses as Hilary has? A lot. A lot of failed actors.



The biggest dicks are actors in their twenties, I remember when I worked on the movie A Reason To Believe which was shot in Oxford, OH, I got to work with actors like Brando, Pacino, Redford, Hoffman...oh wait, no, I guess it wasn't them, it was that guy who played Bug in Uncle Buck, the "Dishes are done dude" kid from Don't Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead, and Allie's daughter from Kate & Allie, but you'd think they were bigger from the way they acted.



Funny thing was, at that time Danny Quinn, Anthony Quinn's son, was married to Lauren Holly, which is a much more interesting story during the three months when Lauren Holly was the biggest thing ever. I always think that dissappearing act is weird, like, whatever happened to Jenna Elfman? She was the biggest thing ever for a couple weeks. Remember when you just couldn't stop hearing about Jenna Elfman?



Bottom line, I ended up working in the editing room on an old Steenbeck and got to look at raw footage of Holly-Marie Combs' boobs whenever I wanted. But this isn't about me.



Man was I hot for Hilary when she was nominated for that first Oscar, because all the coverage of her during that time was her with reasonable short hair interspersed with clips of her with REALLY short hair. Plus she's got that strong jaw, which I love on a woman, although hers borders on unattractive.



Actually never mind, that's a hot picture. I was really swooning over her at the time. I thought I had perhaps gone a little too far in my love of short-haired chicks. I mean, she was playing a dude, so I was attracted to a dude, right? Except it's a dude with boobs and girl's hips. If I didn't have so few issues, I'd have issues. All I know is I really hated Chad Lowe and I'm so happy they're divorced. I'm like the fat secretary that gets happy when Brad Pitt gets divorced, so now Brad Pitt is now free to screw fat secretary's. Now Hilary is free to screw reality show loggers who are living in their college friend's guest room.



Is she that great an actress? I know she's a great press release, she lost weight, gained weight, got in shape, grew a dick, but I have no bearing on whether she's a good actress. She probably is, I just think its curious that I actually don't know.

I'll have to watch The Next Karate Kid and find out.




Hey, she doesn't have short hair there! How'd that get in there?

12/15/06

Wow. I saw a real short-haired chick. I mean, sure, I always see short-haired chicks. But I actually saw a celebrity who's been featured in Short-Haired Chick Friday (only in the first two pictures of that post, though).



Schadenfreude didn't know it but it had gotten a hotel in a hotbed of of hot chicks. There's an audition space in the hotel, that's actually how I found it, Mike and Charley were doing auditions for Blue World a couple weeks ago when I posted about it.



Evidently those rooms were being used to audition models because there were some damn thin pairs of jeans walking around holding up frail hotties.



But this was not known to me when I sighted "her." I've, of course, got a radar for Short-Haired chicks, much like the 2005 Mustang Fastback I just know when one's around. And now that I'm known for this fetish, er, attraction, I make sure to take good long looks at Short-Haired chicks to make the people around me laugh.



We were walking into the hotel and there was a damn gorgeous short-haired chick. I looked, I looked again, I looked for the bit, and then I looked because this was no bit. That was America's Top Model Runner Up Megan Morris.



DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN SHE'S CUTE!!!!!



Let the cliche' of short-haired chicks not being hot falll! Let the cliche' of them looking like boys die a fiery Natalie Portman death.



Ouch.



I don't have a lot of time right now so I'll just fill the rest of this column in with a script taken from an episode of Power Rangers



Rita : Uh! He doesn't stand a -chance-, does he?
Lord Zedd : Of -course- not. At least not without -this-!
Lord Zedd & Rita : Grow, Rito, grow!
Rito : [excited] Heyy! Check -me- out! Hahahaaa!



Kimberly : Oh, Aisha, I bet you anything your kitty'll come back to you by dinner-time.
Billy : Zordon, this is Billy; we read you.
Zordon : Billy, you and the others must teleport to the Command Center immediately.
Billy : Right. We're on our way.



Zordon : Rangers, Rito is back. He is giant sized and headed for downtown Angel Grove.
Billy : But what about Tommy? We can't just leave him there!
Adam : We don't even know where -there- is!
Kimberly : What are we gonna do?