Patient 957: Short-Haired Chick Classic!

You just can't beat a classic. If you were to take all the perfect features that made up the perfect short-haired chick and then Weird Scienced them all together, the sum would be Winona.

I'm of two minds looking at Winona. On the basic level where I don't think too much, she's gorgeous, I mean, It's Winona Ryder look at her! Then, for me, and I'm pretty sure for you too, the innocent ga-ga affection record scratches. Oh yeah, she's batshit crazy and shoplifted and is on enough pills to make Hunter S. Thompson puke.

That's too bad because there's so much innocent beauty going on there. In fact I think it's a testament to her innocent, natural beauty that the batshit crazy image of her comes so secondary, because a millionaire shoplifting is batshit crazy.

I don't want to belabor the point, but now that I'm typing about it...what the fuck was up with the shoplifting? I mean where does that come into the picture? Is it a thrill thing? A "so blitzed on happy/sads that she didn't even know she was doing it" thing? And then to be so ghetto about it? Who cuts the shirt to remove the tags, in the store, on camera?

Check this out.

How much would I have been into Winona in the 6th grade?

Or High School?

Actually, I guess I was into Winona when she was in High School, wasn't she in Edward Scissorhands when I was in High School? Actually that's a good memory, I saw Edward Scissorhands with my High School sweetheart. She had a big crush on 21 Jumpstreet's Johnny Depp.

Remember Winona in Lucas, love at first sight when I saw that film. I always empathized with Corey Haim, felt like I was in a similar spot, nerdwise. But I didn't date anyone that looked like Winona Ryder in grade school, and now I realize that Corey Haim was fighting the women off with a rake at that time. I feel a little betrayed. I bet that movie sucks now.

You haven't forgotten about the shoplifting have you? Me neither. I tried to get off the topic. I hate when movie stars let me into their personal lives. I just don't need to know, can't I just think of you as the sweet sweet Man Without A Face?

What do you think she's doing right now? She doesn't do movies any more, what was the last movie she was in? Part of the problem is that she basically ruled the Earth if you wanted to cast someone to play an innocent girl from 1986-2003.

Daaaaaaaaaamn. You can't beat the big doey anime eyes, can you? This is a very recent picture. Is it just me or has Winona shrunk? She's really thin now, probably another problem Matt Damon narrowly avoided dealing with.

Remember when he and Ben Affleck got famous real quick and started dating the girls that, like me, they'd had crushes on as fans? How cool would that be? Like if I got to do Nastassja Kinski? I guess Matt dodged a bullet, though.