Patient 957: February 2006

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

FINALLY!!!!!!

Peter Dragon: These girls want the same thing that you want.
Adam Rafkin: No, Peter, I don't believe any of these women want my mother dead.

I have been waiting for YEARS for this to come out on DVD. I've worn out my crappy VHS tape of the four episodes I taped when this originally aired. Before The Office before Entourage there was a previous best show of all time. Rent it. Watch it.

Very little over the last 15 years have gotten me to turn on the tv, and less has gotten me to change my schedule to make sure I could watch a tv show. Action was the only show I can recall that did (with the exception of My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee, but I am just so super-embarrassed that I became so obsessed with the show and blame Tony Hansen for the fact that I even knew it was on, just embarrasing all around).

Adam Rafkin: I wanna have sex with every person here.
Peter Dragon: Don't look at me!
Adam Rafkin: The ugliest man in this place is twice as pretty as the prettiest girl I ever slept with.

The show stars John Marshall...sorry, Jay Mohr as movie Producer Peter Dragon, the biggest prick on Earth with a mouth filled with the best prick dialogue ever. The show follows the old adage "you're only as good as your last film." And Peter's last film tanked. So now he's trying to get his next production off the ground before his reputation is completely worthless while trying to keep afloat his life of ex-wives, in-house-production-supervisor prostitutes, their pimps, a writer named Adam Rafkin, and many gay confidantes. Lot of gay jokes.

It is SO no surprise that this got cancelled. Mankind, much less network, was not ready for this.

Peter Dragon: Life is filled with things that you just can't predict. Ned Beatty goes on a rafting trip in "Deliverance," winds up getting sodomized by hillbillies. Eddie Murphy stops to give a girl a ride home, turns out she has a bigger schlong than he does. One night you go out for McDonald's and accidentally hack your ex-wife and Ron Goldman to death. These things happen. The point is that things can change 180 degrees in a split second.

The dialogue was created by God just for me, this is exactly what dialogue should sound like. I'll put Peter's monologue at the beginning of Episode 5 up against any monologue, just brilliant (probably the best episode as well). And there are some great jokes too (check out the names of the movies that beat Peter's last release, there's like a German claymation film, the WORST films beat Peter's). The IMDB has a lot of names listed as writers, but none of them have anything all that impressive on their resume except Will Forte, so I'm giving this one to him.

The show was produced by Joel Silver. Leading to my favorite exchange when Peter finds that, after his last bomb, his table is no longer available.

Maitre'd: Sorry your table is taken by Joel Silver.
Peter Dragon: That fat fuck?
Maitre'd: He produced The Matrix, it did very well.
(Peter grabs the Maitre'd by the collar and pulls him close)
Peter Dragon: He also produced Xanadu. Now give me my table.

It is clear the Joel Silver gave no oversight on the show. Everyone, the writers, the actors, directors, all act like they're getting away with this.

But the best thing about this show is the performances. Is it just me, or is EVERY PERFORMANCE BY EVERY ACTOR IN EVERY ROLE IN THIS SHOW ROCK FUCKING SOLID? How do you pull that off? And then most of these actors never went on to much of anything. You watch every single actor just NAIL their character and you wonder what gives? Shouldn't every actor in this show be known worldwide as our most cherished talents? Haven't heard of half of them. So I'll have to throw big props to Ted Demme (Blow, died in 2002) and Adam Bernstein (Scrubs, in which he gets similarly good performances) for taking the show to the next level.

The show was cancelled on FOX and went to HBO where the last four or five episodes were produced and my how the tone changes? Where does Illeana Douglas go? Where does the Pimp go? Actually he exits about episode 4. Now, come on, you put together a comic premise like a pimp in charge of a production company and don't do one casting call joke? Something's wrong. And that's the real problem with Action, the show never quite figures out what it is, it's the son of many showrunners and two networks who all thought it was something else. Despite that, it's a real lightning-in-a-bottle first season of Moonlighting experience, well worth the rental.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Spider-Man new costume (update)

Not only was the hair short and the lesbians hot on Friday but it was also a BIG SUPERHERO NEWSDAY. And now I've even got some new pictures which are probably fakes. Here's Fridays post (with addendum)

As you know I am a HUGE live-action superhero fan, have been my whole life and if I catch anyone saying I'm a Johnny Come Lately, I will tie you into a chair, prop your eyes open and force you to watch my copy of Dr. Strange with Peter Hooten.

So I've enjoyed the hell out of the last 8 years of beyond-belief live action superhero films. I never thought such an era would ever arrive as I rushed to the theatre to see The Phantom, which was THE ONLY SUPERHERO MOVIE THAT YEAR. Or Judge Dredd, The Rocketeer, all the only Superhero efforts in their respective years. We can look back and laugh about it now as a year with Ghost Rider, Superman Returns, and X-Men 3, follows a year with Elektra, Batman Begins, and Fantastic Four.

The Phantom. It was the only one. So we went.

So anyway. Big Big news. Do you know it already? This shit gets out so fast. It's probably being printed in the Red Eye as I write this after yet another cover story on the smoking ban.

As you know I'm easily excited at Superhero news, such as the first photo of Thomas Haden Church as Spidey's Villain Sandman.

As uneventful at that shirt and those pants might be. I love watching them come to life. Which is why I was SUPER excited to see the first shots of the new X-Men from X-Men 3.

And I've also been generous with images of the upcoming Ghost Rider film based on the killer cult comic of the 70's - the era that brought you Power Man & Iron Fist, Moon Knight, and Shang-Chi: Master of Martial Arts at Marvel Comics.

But today...

The Spider-Man 3 Poster has been released.

but that's not all...

the costume....

is black...

It's confirmed by Marvel, this is not a black & white photo. The costume is black.

99.99999999999% of you out there just said: So fucking what? But the rest of you...how hot is that? You know what that means? You know who Topher Grace is playing?

For anyone who was not lucky enough to be obsessed with Spider-man during and after The Secret Wars, Spider-Man went off to this alien planet to fight in a war (a secret one) with everyone and their mother. He discovered this space substance which climbed onto his body and gave him the black costume.

He later found out that it was living organism, sucking off his life-energy, a symbiote. He tried to get rid of it, but it didn't want to leave, finally Mr. Fantastic burned it off of Peter Parker. Leave it to Mr. Fantastic.

The living thing found the body of a prisoner named Eddie Brock who became Venom.

The costume is black. The fucking costume is black.

(update)

In the intervening time some nerd put together a fake trailer for Spider-Man 3 which included this image of Venom. Let's hope the real one looks this cool.

And if then someone did a little photshop job to make the black costume look like THE black costume. Not where Raimi's going (unfortunately) but pretty neat.

430 day 15 hours 55 minutes and 23 seconds until it opens. Until then, there's Superman...(122 days until my 24 Superhero filmfest...who's in?)

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Fuck linking html

Click this: http://www.crooksandliars.com/stories/2006/02/25/whoseJudgmentOnTheIraqWarIsEntitledToRespect.html

I like Howard Dean.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

It's Short-Haired Chick Friday: The Busy Busy Week Edition

Hey all, no time to spend hours combing .jpg's of boy-girls today. It's a ridiculously busy week, nearing poverty I've had to (gasp) actually do my job, we are re-writing "Alderman", I wrote a synopsis to run by some indie financiers, still actively producing "Blue World" this week working with a storyboard artist, and I've been creating writing samples to turn in to people looking for writer's this week, and helping (if that's the word you'd use with as little energy as I have left) Sean Cusick and his talented crew write a Skybox show. Gives me the hives looking at that schedule.

So I re-present one of my favorites from the last few months. Mostly for the bit at the end, which I think is funny.

IT'S SHORT HAIRED CHICK FRIDAY!!!!: Special Import Edition

Anybody remember Tatu?

Shit, wrong Tattoo. I mean.

The pop supergroup who was famous for an amount of time only measurable by the guy who discovered Octilhexium. They were known for their songs "All The Things She Said" and "Not Gonna Get Us" which you COMPLETELY know, go over to iTunes like I just did and listen. I remember hearing the hell out of those songs. Anyway, they weren't really known for their music, they were known for...

Their gimmick. Little Russian Lesbian Schoolgirls who make out on stage. Sounds like and old Phil Donahue panel.

Little Russian Lesbian Schoolgirls who make out on stage. Gee ya think people will buy into that? But will we be able to get MTV's attention? Will Maxim talk about it. We just don't know. Our marketing analysis is so primitive, and the idea...so advanced. "Mirror!" "You see what I have to work with." "MIRROR!"

So I went to an MTV music awards party, and as soon as I got in the door I was asked by Carla, the Hollis Brothers, and probably Liz and Steph if I knew who Tatu was? "The greatest thing ever?" I asked. "Yes" they said. And mere hours after hearing about them for the first time they took the stage at the MTV music awards and brought the house down. By being Little Russian Lesbian Schoolgirls who make out on stage. Carla, The Hollis Brothers and all in attendance thought it was the best thing ever. I felt like I could see the Matrix of marketing and the rest couldn't, but they probably just didn't care for very good reason.

Here they are discussing Proust.

I have to admit something. When I went to iTunes to refresh my memory on them. I laid out $2 for those two songs. It's a guilty pleasure, I know, but I'm not alone.

Here they are discussing the use of non-diegetic sound in Godard's Le Petit Soldat.

: What is her fantasy boss?

: To be welcomed into the sexual ecstasy of the lesbian sisterhood, and let me watch.

: I thought she just said she wanted to discover herself.

: And let me watch.

:You're touching yourself boss.

: I could crush that head if I wanted to.

But fuck TATU...

This is also a BIG SUPERHERO NEWSDAY. Good things come on Fridays. As you know I am a HUGE live-action superhero fan, have been my whole life and if I catch anyone saying I'm a Johnny Come Lately, I will tie you into a chair, prop your eyes open and force you to watch my copy of Dr. Strange with Peter Hooten.

As uneventful at that shirt and those pants might be. I love watching them come to life. Which is why I was SUPER excited to see the first shots of the new X-Men from X-Men 3.

But today...

The Spider-Man 3 Poster has been released.

but that's not all...

the costume....

is black...

The living thing found the body of a prisoner named Eddie Brock who became Venom.

The costume is black. The fucking costume is black.

Anybody in Austin on March 13th?

If you'll be at South By Southwest you might want to check this film out. Believe it or not Schadenfreude.net doesn't pay the bills. I have this other job where I help other people live out their dreams of making movies. I'm good like that. Movies...hm...I'm just getting a thought of what I want to do for the rest of my life. Work in a recylcling plant...wait...no...not that... eh, it'll come to me.

Also anyone have Robert Rodriguez's phone number, I'm gonna be in the area, thought we could catch up. Or Richard Linklater, not that I want to talk to him, but, you know because he probably has Rob's number.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Yeah, but Biden fucks dogs...

So Bush is turning over security of U.S. Ports to a country who's banks funneled money to the 9/11 Hijackers. Wha??? You know, they've gotten away with so much obviously wrong and egregious shit, I mean starting a war of aggression has not bitten them in the ass. Imagine that. Could there be any bigger PR nightmare than getting caught in a lie that singlehandedly kill 2,300 Americans, Ruins our names with every foreign ally, and creates a new Afghanistan???? If Clinton couldn't get away with a land investment, you'd think... But no penalty's, they've literally getting away with murder. I don't know why they feel the need to try crazier stuff? Maybe they realize it's all going to come crumbling down and they might as well make as much money as possible on the way out? Maybe they think nobody's paying attention. I don't know. BUT, here's my point. The only fun we can have with each crime the Cheney Administration gets away with is Wait...wait...don't tell me the talking point. There's this 24 hour period after each scandal while they work on their talking point. Oh shit, Cheney shot a guy, oh shit someone in the NSA had a crisis of conscience, oh shit the Iraq elections didn't go our way, oh shit Valarie Plame was undercover...how do we get out of this one? For about 24 hours after these things nobody in the military-industrial-newstainment complex has an opinion, they just kind of report..., then ALL OF A SUDDEN they all have these firm opinions that all sound similar. For some reason, all at the same time, the media started callling the illegal NSA spying "the Terrorist Surveillance Program." By the way programs are usually declared as a form of a series of actions to be implemented according to a plan, you can't name it after you've done a bunch of things. For example, I have been engaging in the "Discover Card Late Payement Program." But, I still got charged $30.

Point being, it's fun in this little calm before the talking point. How will they excuse this one? No conservative has an opinion today, but they will by tonight. They will have a strong one...later tonight. Something to do with Democrats having no ideas and being weak on terrorism. Or more personality politics, hey, maybe they'll say one of the guys opposing the sale of Port Security fucks dogs. I just want to see McClellan say "Sure Biden says it's wrong to sell port security to a Kingdom who supported terrorists, but this is coming from a guy who fucks dogs." Avoid the facts, attack the person. Oh wait, their latest one, which is so odd because liberals are supposed to be such pansy's is the "these people just hate Bush." Response, because I guess you're not allowed to do that. These people are just Bush haters. So, how do you guys feel about Clinton? Oh that's right, you didn't hate him, you were unimpassioned during impeachment proceedings. Rule of law...rule of law...rule of law... Bad peeps. Very bad peeps. Oh, you know one talking point they bring up when caught, and I don't get this one at all but they ALWAYS go to it: Clinton did it. Does it make any sense to talk about how bad everything Clinton did was and then say, so it should be okay if we do it. None of it makes any sense, unless they're liars.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Brianna?

Brianna? Is that a good name, course I do love a biblical name, maybe I should name my new blog Jacob, Caleb, or Tad? I've got a new blog on the way, well, it's the same blog, it'll be right here and it'll still hate Bush, it'll still like live-action superhero movies, Gus Van Sant, and short-haired chicks. But it will have a new name and a whole new look. You may have noticed Stephe has been pruning the garden on Schadrenfreude.net, well in a week or so he's going plant a bunch of new flowers. Stephe was industrious enough to go to the trouble of creating new templates for all the blogs (when the lazy thing to do would leave the crappy blogger templates). Way to go Stephe! Who has a great blog as well if you don't read it, second only to Kaufmann's with the rest of us hot on their observational tails, though none of them talk about enough about live-action superhero movies for my tastes. So Stephe asks us is we're all okay with what we named our blogs, last call, last call, time to set them in stone for all eternity. My name was pretty random, just something I thought of one day while reading a Republican lie overconfidently spoken. It had a name before, but fuck if I remember what that was. Stephe, what the hell was it called before? Anyway, so I was thinking of a good name for it. "That's what they want you to think" is actually pretty good and was resigned to keep it, but then one night during a Schad meeting I was quoting a movie I often quote and after a line I said, not meaning it, "that's a good name for a blog." Stephe and Sandy cracked up, because, it actually kind of was. Whocares, point is, it's changing and it's a good name. I feel a new sense of ownership after designing the header with Stephe plus the new name, so I'll try and pick up the quality a bit, bring in some guest bloggers, write more pieces write about the shit I'm too lazy to write about now. So much shit happens worth writing about. I'm going to push Stephen Louis Gluck to guest blog, he makes me laugh too much to not start writing it down. Also I'm going to try and get my The Fun Zone (my Mom and StepDad) to share a random 60's story because those are ridiculous. A little Dave's Mom action. Alright, fuck off, I'm supposed to be finishing Alderman. Summary: Say goodbye to That's What They Want You To Think say hello to...Brian? How's Brian? Ashley? Crystal? Amber? Frieda? Squonk? Brianna? Did I say Brianna? What did ya'll think when I brought up Brianna?

Ahhh Drama.

Ever been in your twenties? Ever had the most important argument in the world with a roommate? What follows is an IM transcript a friend sent me of one such argument. It brought back memories of the world shattering events that would control my life in those precious years called my twenties, how high the stakes were, and how high tempers flared because the weight of the world was on the outcome of the argument? Don't go to bed angry, y'all.

Buddy (3:12:12 PM) xxxx moved out and xxxxxx doesn't have any
furniture so she needs the shelving unit in your room back. Where is
the other ones?
PAL (3:14:34 PM) What? she left them in the basement, where i
took the other broken one.
Buddy (3:15:56 PM): yeah well she needs them back so the one your using...
PAL (3:16:04 PM): haha
Buddy (3:16:13 PM): and I'll go look downstairs
PAL (3:16:30 PM): she didn't borrow them to me
PAL (3:16:34 PM): i didn't loan them
PAL (3:16:51 PM): what about the futon she took
Buddy (3:17:32 PM): since mom is coming over tomorrow, she'll take
them with her when she leaves
Buddy (3:17:40 PM): futon
Buddy (3:17:48 PM): would you like it back?
PAL (3:17:57 PM): she said she threw it away
Buddy (3:19:11 PM): yeah she just doesnt have much right now, her
and matt broke up a bit ago and he moved out, most of the furniture
was his, so she was wondering if she could get the shelves back
PAL (3:19:55 PM): hold call
PAL (3:25:21 PM): Ok.....here's the deal, i'll give you 20
bucks, cause i m sure you paid for it and after 3 years of having
it....im sure i overpaying
Buddy (3:25:55 PM): ummm...yeah, I think she just wants it back
PAL (3:26:04 PM): she did leave it
Buddy (3:26:14 PM): yeah Pal I understand
Buddy (3:27:02 PM): you can afford something to replace it she
really cant maybe we should just do her this favor and give her the
shitty white shelves
Buddy (3:31:12 PM): are you not really wanting to give them up?
PAL (3:31:29 PM): Do you realize the inconvieninece of me
having to move everything off it, put it somewhere and then take the
time to go out and buy something new....on top of the fact that I am
taking a rediculous amount of time out of work, the place where i make
that precious money....to tell you that i have no desire to go
shopping let alone deal with her....the one person i hoped id never
have to deal with again
Buddy (3:31:59 PM): you arent dealing with her
PAL (3:31:59 PM): it has nothing to do with the shelves.....its
my fuckin time thats important to me
PAL (3:33:06 PM): im done with the convo
Buddy (3:33:12 PM): wow
PAL (3:33:21 PM): not wow....waste of my time
PAL (3:33:26 PM): i offered some money
Buddy (3:33:34 PM): your ridiculous
PAL (3:33:59 PM): I wish i was
Buddy (3:34:12 PM): so you arent going to give me the shelving unit?

The next day...

Buddy (11:54:15 AM): so I am assuming that you have no plans to
give the shelving unit in your room back to her, is that correct?
PAL (12:01:13 PM): Wow....you really don't understand what an
inconvienience it is do you?
PAL (12:01:43 PM): On top of another good reason which is, Why?
Buddy (12:03:14 PM): she just doesnt have any furniture right now
PAL (12:03:20 PM): I could give a flying fuck
Buddy (12:03:25 PM): i see that
PAL (12:03:34 PM): why does she have to take ours
Buddy (12:03:40 PM): its not ours
PAL (12:03:43 PM): she left it....along with a giant mess in the basement
Buddy (12:03:52 PM): okay
PAL (12:03:56 PM): which is still there
Buddy (12:04:02 PM): cool thanks Pal
PAL (12:04:08 PM): and you bought it in the first place
PAL (12:04:13 PM): do buy her another one
Buddy (12:04:17 PM): no her mom bought it for her
PAL (12:04:25 PM): the one thing
Buddy (12:04:39 PM): all of the white shelves
Buddy (12:04:53 PM): she had no room for them when she left, now
that she has no furniture she does
Buddy (12:04:56 PM): so
PAL (12:05:01 PM): but she had room to steal the futon
Buddy (12:05:01 PM): I thought I could help her out
Buddy (12:05:14 PM): the futon was broken and I gave it to her
Buddy (12:05:20 PM): so I guess I stole the futon
PAL (12:05:21 PM): so
PAL (12:05:26 PM): ok
Buddy (12:05:30 PM): I am not trying to get in a battle with you
Buddy (12:05:51 PM): if you arent willing to give up the shelving
unit then I guess you arent willing to give it up
PAL (12:05:54 PM): i don't want to battle....i just think its a
rediculous suggestion
Buddy (12:06:03 PM): well I dont
PAL (12:06:08 PM): REALLY
Buddy (12:06:13 PM): thats why I asked
Buddy (12:06:24 PM): if I thought it was ridiculous I never would
have asked you
PAL (12:06:26 PM): you want to go shopping, build it and take that time
Buddy (12:06:29 PM): sure
Buddy (12:06:41 PM): if that is what it is going to take for you
to let it go
PAL (12:06:43 PM): than do it
PAL (12:06:56 PM): no....go buy her a new one
PAL (12:07:13 PM): i don't need a new shelf
Buddy (12:07:23 PM): she doesnt need a new shelf either
Buddy (12:07:50 PM): she just wants the one she left there when
she had no room for it a couple of years ago that her mom bought for
her
Buddy (12:08:05 PM): if it was any one else you wouldnt be making
a big deal about it
PAL (12:08:19 PM): HAHA
PAL (12:08:39 PM): No shit
PAL (12:09:26 PM): I wouldn't give them my shelf and i did
offer to give her some money, so this started civil, but the whether
its you or her thats pursuing this rediculous demand......i want
nothing to do with her ever again
Buddy (12:09:55 PM): I have not offered her the money yet
Buddy (12:10:02 PM): and you havent dealt with her
PAL (12:10:04 PM): it doens't make sense to give her something
now that she threw away cause she didn't have the present mind to
think ahead and get a real job
PAL (12:10:13 PM): this kind of situation IS dealing with her
PAL (12:10:22 PM): THESE ARE THE ONLY KIND OF SITUATIONS SHE CREATESA
PAL (12:10:28 PM): ALWAYS
Buddy (12:10:29 PM): what does this have to do with a job?
PAL (12:10:40 PM): you said she didn't have money for the shelf?
Buddy (12:11:06 PM): she didnt have room for the shelf because
most of the furniture was matts, matt has left and now she has room
for it
PAL (12:11:20 PM): all she ever did was make everyone around
her get a knot in their stomach
PAL (12:11:26 PM): i bet i know why matt left
Buddy (12:11:31 PM): not me
PAL (12:11:44 PM): that is obvious Buddy
Buddy (12:11:45 PM): and I dont know why you are slamming my
friend right now char, thats not what this is about
PAL (12:12:06 PM): its about me not letting her be in my life
and or control things in it anymore
Buddy (12:12:20 PM): all right so your answer is no then
PAL (12:12:26 PM): haha
PAL (12:12:36 PM): should have taken the money
Buddy (12:12:46 PM): I havent offered her the money
PAL (12:12:56 PM): well.....
PAL (12:12:58 PM): ooops
Buddy (12:13:05 PM): all right great, have a good one then
PAL (12:13:26 PM): yeah.....dealing with issues concerning her
has now wrecked two of my days
Buddy (12:13:39 PM): and your reasoning, so that I can make it
abundantly clear to her, is what exactly?
PAL (12:13:41 PM): glad you could arrange that for me
PAL (12:14:19 PM): if i had left something from two years
ago....not only would YOU not think that it was ok, but she deff
wouldn't give it up....
PAL (12:14:25 PM): and besides....i like seeing her struggle
Buddy (12:14:38 PM): your a real asshole man
PAL (12:14:52 PM): nope, just a better man for finally not
letting her push me around
Buddy (12:15:09 PM): all right Pal
Buddy (12:15:15 PM): cheers to you then
PAL (12:16:18 PM): and if you were so gung ho on shopping for
a shelf for me....why wouldn't you just buy her one and save everyone
the trouble?
Buddy (12:18:11 PM): I wasnt gungho on buying you shit, I was
thinking that you would simply buy a new shelf and give her the old
one and didnt think you would make such a big deal about it
PAL (12:18:23 PM): why
PAL (12:18:30 PM): why would i want to go out and buy a new shelf
PAL (12:18:37 PM): when would i be doing this
PAL (12:19:02 PM): this is all about you coming to the rescue i think
Buddy (12:19:03 PM): I didnt think you had such a connection to it
and I didnt think that you would think that it would be such an
inconvienence
PAL (12:19:07 PM): i don't
PAL (12:19:11 PM): but it is
Buddy (12:19:17 PM): me coming to the rescue
PAL (12:19:20 PM): no
PAL (12:19:28 PM): the inconvienence part
Buddy (12:19:41 PM): I just said I thought we had the shelves
still, I didnt know if anyone was using them and I would ask the
Buddys
PAL (12:19:48 PM): no
Buddy (12:19:52 PM): so I asked you
PAL (12:19:55 PM): you said i was giving them back
PAL (12:20:02 PM): you didn't ask
PAL (12:20:15 PM): you said she needs them back
Buddy (12:20:20 PM): oh well my fault then
PAL (12:20:24 PM): so you started the fight
Buddy (12:20:31 PM): I guess I did
Buddy (12:20:40 PM): are you trying to prove me wrong here
PAL (12:20:42 PM): now...i have to work
PAL (12:20:47 PM): there is no wrong you dolt
Buddy (12:20:51 PM): great thanks
PAL (12:20:56 PM): this is an invonvinence to me
PAL (12:20:58 PM): all off
Buddy (12:21:04 PM): nice talk
Buddy (12:21:06 PM): very mature
PAL (12:21:17 PM): what is
PAL (12:21:50 PM): the fact that i don't have time for this
Buddy (12:22:02 PM): screw it I should have known better then to
even bring it up
PAL (12:22:03 PM): the fact that its an inconvienience to me to
go through all that trouble
PAL (12:22:14 PM): the fact that she left it?
PAL (12:22:22 PM): whats not mature about this whole thing
Buddy (12:22:39 PM): I'm done Pal, the shelving unit is yours
PAL (12:22:56 PM): again you fail to see that this has nothing
to do with the unit
PAL (12:23:20 PM): it has to do with the fact that you'd easly
make me go to a ton of fucking work......for what good end?
PAL (12:23:40 PM): in helping one friend you make another go to
tons of trouble
Buddy (12:23:44 PM): your right, I'm wrong, I should have never asked you
PAL (12:23:45 PM): well....thats no help at all
PAL (12:24:00 PM): is it
Buddy (12:24:04 PM): sorry to inconvienence you
PAL (12:24:07 PM): you didn't ask
Buddy (12:24:13 PM): never happen again

Monday, February 20, 2006

What has 132 pages and is not done yet?

That's right, the first draft of Alderman. What a weekend? Probably wrote 40 pages this weekend. Plopped down on a very cold Friday night after Martial Arts class, pulled on the electric blanket, popped in some background noise (old videos I don't have to pay attention to, or The Olympics - the king of background noise) and proceeded to write. I fell asleep in the chair, woke up, made coffee, wrote, fell asleep, woke up, made coffe, wrote, fell asleep...until Sunday when I actually decided to get up, clean and go somewhere else. Sunday I wrote in a Cosi downtown, in the back of the theatre during Munich, and in Clarkes late into the night. I came upon a unique creative problem. Being sick of writing, not a frustration at having no ideas, or hitting any wall of any sort, just being sick of physically writing tons of good ideas. Good problem to have.

Throughout the course of the writing I burned through background noise, The Ed Gein movie, a bunch of old Star Trek's, Bruce Lee films, They Call Her One Eye, Danguard Ace, Silverhawks, and Gallagher: The Maddest.

Fun. 132 pages in, probably 30 left to go. And then done. For now. It's a first draft, the final will need to come in at no more than 110 pages. It's a comedy, not the Godfather.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

We Are Laughing!

Just wrote this scene, laughed out loud. Thought I'd share it.

BATTLE-GROUND

CRASH! Two Gladiators come together. The crowd ROARS.

ABOVE THEM

Ted Dinnerbansky watches the match from his King’s Booth.

GRETCHEN
Did you hear, ABC picked up the pilot to my reality show?

TED
A fake on a reality show. If only irony fueled SUV’s.

GRETCHEN
Do we have a problem? I believe those are my balls your swinging.

TED
No, Gretchen, despite that People Magazine article I’m pretty sure only one of us has balls. And if you don’t straighten up, I’m going to shove them into your mouth.

GRETCHEN
Is that a threat?

TED
I just wanted to make sure that we’re still on the same page.

GRETCHEN
The same page where I win the election for you?

TED
The same page where you don’t forget how you got here.

GRETCHEN
I think it’s about more than money.

She makes a display gesture down her body.

Ted moves close.

TED
Nothing is about more than money.

GRETCHEN
One hand washes the other.

TED
Don’t fuck with me, Gretchen. Poo Flakes.

GRETCHEN
The cereal?

TED
Poo Flakes.

GRETCHEN
Dinnerbasky Mills got sued for Poo Flakes.

TED
After four years of success and an animated series.

GRETCHEN
The FDA found out the flakes were literally made of shit.

TED
Exactly. So don’t tell me I don’t know how to market a turd, bitch. I’ve done it.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Short-Haired Chick Friday

So. For some reason because I do this short haired chick thing parents, friends, tower players and people I did community service with after I stole those road cones have come up to me and told me that Natalie Portman is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and her hair's real short.

Which is funny because the very first short haired chick Friday was about exactly that. It was just something I was going to blog about that day that I named oddly. Chicks look great in short hair, Natalie looks great in...existence, so the two would be a perfect combination, but I never assume any actresses would ever go for the short hair, much less Natalie. So when it happened and she looked more awesome than she already did, I thought I'd celebrate a beautiful thing.

Since then Natalie has popped up over and over.

Each time I see her, her hair's a little longer. And since short-haired chicks vary based on the length of their hair, Natalie has been SEVERAL short-haired chicks, all cute.

She's getting a lot of press lately because of the short hair. I can only hope for an epidemic outbreak of desperate Hollywood starlets all getting their Sinead-on in unison.

She's certainly kind to the fanboys isn't she? She's the perfect storm of actresses for fanboys. She makes her premiere in one of the biggest cinema suprises for all of us, The Professional. We all would've fallen in love with The Professional anyway, but Natalie's debut cemented that as a modern classic and started the countdown until she was legal.

And then, as if she were created only for us she went onto Michael Mann's best movie, Heat. to further please you and me and everyone on earth she goes and gets in the goddman second Star Wars Trilogy, and THEN she gets into an adaptation of Alan Moore's BRILLIANT comic book V For Vendetta. Thanks Natalie, you really don't have to go this far to prove your love to us, OH MY you're playing a stripper!

And finally, I think this last picture is why we love Natalie.

That's the look of what we love about her when we love about her.

Jim McWilliams + the USPS

Jim McWilliams, sent me an egg cuber.

Jim and I have a lifelong habit of finding something weird, or funny in a thrift store, slapping postage on it and sending it in the mail.

I recently received an egg cuber. What does the egg cuber do? Why it makes eggs square. FINALLY A WAY TO BUCK THE IMPERIALISM OF THE SHAPE OF EGGS!

It now sits on top of the Rotato he sent me last week.

I sent him Dennis Rodman's book on tape, read by some british guy.

He told me listening to it on his commute (he works precisely 2 minutes from his school, so he's logging four minutes a day, which I find hilarious)

I just sent him a video called "The Jupiter Menace"

It's a Christian "In Search Of" with George Kennedy instead of Leonard Nimoy, and it presents 90 minutes of facts about how the world is going to end in the year 2000, backed up by actual psychics. There's also survival techniques so you can prepare for the coming end of times, from what they teach i assume matches and lighters will be the first things destroyed in the great quake, and that you can shoot the quake, and that quakes don't affect people in bunkers.

One day two years ago Jim sent me a puzzle piece. The next day another piece arrived, then they started coming in bunches for several months. Put together it formed a 1978 Playboy Playmate. He never sent the boobs or bush, only a ransom note.

One day I received one half of a Battleship set. The next day a postcard arrived with a coordinate, you can figure out how that went for several months. I won. Actually I had sank his Destroyer and then received a postcard saying his cat had ended his side of the game.

Jim also sends pictures from other people's families that he finds in thrift stores.

Jim also once replaced his living room carpet with and inch of sawdust to make cleaning up messes easier.

Jim also once put and an old washer in his yard, filled it with bricks, put it on spin cycle and shot at it with shotgun slugs as it rocked back and forth migrating across the yard.

Jim also once attempted to build the world's largest Spork.

Jim also built a tank out of a lawnmower.

Jim also is a 5th grade art teacher.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Riding The Bus Part 6

11:03 PM Tuesday night, February 14th 2006

Screenplay will you be my Talentine? MAN is this a slow process. But the work is damn rewarding when you put it in. Act 2 shit is hard to write! Yes, act 2 is hard to write and the sky is blue while we're passing on new information. I have to say this has been a most interesting screenwriting experiment. My last script severely fizzled about 80 pages in, if only I knew then what I know now. Use the BIT method! This whole script was written out of group bits (88 pages worth of bits) with me playing producer and filling in the gaps where they need. But the act 2 bits aren's concepts, they're just...things. The Jason/Holly dinner at The Billy Goat had like 20 bits that all had to tied together in ONE COHERENT CONVERSATION. And it works, it's a crazy funny conversation and it works.

In the scene I just wrote, I took three pages of notes and turned it into a 6 page scene. And boy can you tell this script is written by sketchwriters, here's how much happens in one six-page scene:

In a wild night at the chiphouse Jason complains to Ed that he did not know there was a debate and preps ed in between ed shouting at his buddies on the dance floor polkaing. Todd Voorhies and a bunch of Wrigleyville meatheads come in and start ordering red bull and everything, ed cuts jason short and goes to dance with dorse because it's their anniversay, jason gives ed some saluki bucks, ed dances with dorse, the meatheads make fun of ed loudly, ed leaves, the door is locked bhind him and dale lures the meatheads into the backroom to beat the shit out of them. ALL THAT! ONE SCENE!

Okay, back to work...

Does anyone remember Silverhawks? I've got them on as background noise while I write. I forgot about the villain who's super 80's new wave chick with a keyboard guitar as her weapon! That hilarious, best cartoon ever. And that other guitarist pilot. How great would it be to remake Silverhawks live action as a Tommy-esque Rock Opera. That is one genre comic book films will never emulate. The rock opera.

TDS

Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?

Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.

"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."

Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."

Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."

Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.

Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."

Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do ... coo .. they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.

Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at least sorry?"

Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people ... to get him some sort of mask."

Riding The Bus Part 5

Yo yo. Happy Tuesday, Happy Talentines Day. I tried to sent a t9 text to my Valentine and the word "Valentine" wasn't a choice, however "Talentine" was. Does anyone know what a Talentine is? I know what a "Valentine" is, but the fine people at t9 do not. So...

Anyway, so busy getting the damn script done, it's brilliant, but I have to fight my urge to make it perfect. DON'T GET IT RIGHT GET IT WRITTEN! All the first draft is, is doing yourself the favor of giving yourself an editable document. It makes life much easier. So...

Absent Justin and Kate, Sandy Stephe and I plowed through the first read of pages 24-48 at the last meeting on this. A lot of stuff works, but a lot of this plot was written out of comic premises (bits) and now in the first read we are refining the mission statement of each scene, adding non-funny lines to round out the movement of relationships in each scene. The first act was easy in terms of internal motivation. 1) What is an Alderman? 2) Ed has something he's never had before, an opponent. 3) Ed's family. 4) Jason challenger. Intro. Intro. Intro. Intro. Like a good first act should. Now, like any good second act should, we dig deeper, not into what they do, but who they are.

After Ed accepts the idea of a Campaign Manager and Jason Challenger as well, we have a series of bits in which Jason tries to keep up with Ed, garner his attention and present his plan. Ed, it turns out has only accepted this new step in his life verbally, not emotionally, but the scenes that take us into the second act did not deliver that.

Jiffy-Lube
Ed and Jason sit down at Ed's favorite place to get coffee...the lobby of the Jiffy Lube. In the previous version Ed doesn't accept Jason in very broad jokes. Last night we really crafted this scene and the scene before (Jason's first day with Ed) into an emotional struggle. It now has tension in that Ed is really fighting this, and he simply can't, too much is at stake. Previously, at the end of this scene Ed accepted Jason and they went into a wild montage of Jason's plan. Last night we felt this was accepting Jason too quickly. One of the stops in Jason's plan was an opening of an auto dealership, Zulevic Honda, it was a series of bits intended to ratchet up the tension of teh approach of Gretchen Ross-Stephenson's noise machine. But now having taken out the montage we turned this not into just another stopoff but Ed's test of Jason, if Jason can take one of Ed's standard appearances and make it better, then Ed would accept Jason. Same dialogue as the old Honda scene now completely transformed by the conversation that proceeded it adding a new tension and new stakes. That's screenwriting.

The end of Honda led right into the intro to Gretchen. But we decided

We focused on Holly flyers, now coming after Honda, Ed rebukes Jason's first foray and tells him to get to work flyering. Jason's line: "This was an ambush who are we up against" leads into Holly shouting: "Gretchen Ross-Stephenson!" We wrote a mission statement for the scene about Holly's POV (just a job a step in the direction of her career) and Jason's POV (this is everything).

And now I'm pushing through to the VERY END so we can edit mid-second at through third on Wednesday night. Actually we might be mapping out our book proposal so I may get a grace day, but I'm trying to keep to the deadline anyway, getting it written not right again. Did I just break news? Yes, we are turning in a book proposal. Hmmm, how much to tell you right now? Maybe I'll just blog the minutes from tomorrow nights meeting and let that be the scoop.

Bottom line: A LOT is going on right now, Kate and Sandy are in Las Vegas, Justin is basking from being at Broken Lizard, Alderman is almost done and I'm already wrangling indy money to get it done ourselves, we could very well have a book by the end of the year (we have one of those concepts that has people smacking their heads saying "why hasn't someone done that before" - good feeling in a world where "everything's been done." We have definitely embraced the post-radio era like it's air. AND (scoop) I just made a connection with a VERY prestigious indy film outlet and am vying to be the Chicago comedy content producer on a 24 hour comedy channel on their site which whill shift over to cell phones when the technology gets up to speed. Can't jinx it now, don't have the facts, just one convo so far, but they are beneath the ground floor, which is a good place to come in.

Monday, February 13, 2006

This poster makes my pants big

I could look at this poster all day. Look at that waist. Dizzamn. Nothing like a good set of abs. Have you seen the trailer?

From the same director as the balls-awesome Equilibrium. A movie so good and so unknown that it defines underrated. Four words - Christian Bale/Sean Bean.

So they let him make another movie with Milla Jovovich as Aeon Flux, er Ultra-Violet.

Thursday, February 9, 2006

Short-Haired Chick Friday!: Risk Addiction

This weeks short-haired chick is for every guy who broke the freeze-frame on their VCR when Basic Instinct came out. For every guy who only thought about buying a laserdisc player because Basic Instinct was available. For all guys who jacked it to Sharon Stone's beaver shot.

So I don't think I ever would've picked Sharon Stone as a short-haired chick. Oh sure I knew she'd chopped the hair a while back for the cinematic Shithole Catwoman, but who thinks about Sharon Stone anymore?

Well...I hadn't for a long time and laughed out loud at the concept of Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, you just simply don't wait 14 years to make a sequel to something. But if I remember correctly Sharon had to get respectable real quick. She did two more nudie movies and then tried to stretch her range and nobody cared if she died on death row.

Then I saw the R-rated teaser for it. (for the love of God wait until you're home to click here).

Of course it's super stupid. So was Basic Instinct, but that really wasn't the point was it? And neither is it here,

I watched that trailer and was right back where I was in 1992, stupid and horny and ready to shell out good money for the modern version of a raincoat-crowd dirty movie.

I fell for Sharon Stone's ridiculous exploitative nudity all over again. I want to se BI2:RI for the EXACT same reasons I wanted to see the first one, which led to me falling in love with Sharon Stone in the first place, so here I am again.

By the way, she's 48, not bad, huh?