RERUN!

Here's an old blog, before they were called blogs, back when we called them columns. Here's an old fave with lots of references to the Beltway Sniper, for those "topical" humor fans.

LISTER T. BUTTER’S WORD CHALLENGE
Hey kids, see if you can pick out the 2,854 differences between this column and Kate’s column last week.

Good Luck,
Lister!

Straight Ticket Option
I don’t want to cry foul on the elections, but did anyone notice this on the ballot?

Straight Ticket Option

• If you would like to cast all votes for the Republican Party, please punch here.
• If you wish to disrespect the memories of all those that died on September 11th and all that we have fought for, please punch here.

What’s up with that?

If Reality Were More Like The Movies

The Beltway Sniper would’ve been doing the shootings to divert the cops from the $40million diamond heist he was planning, and only one man, a Veteran, yet still attractive, Officer, who was the brother of the first victim, would be able to stop him. And the sniper wouldn’t have been found asleep in his car, but rather, he would’ve finally plummeted to his death after being shot by that Officer, acting outside of the law.

The Officer, who had been obsessed with finding the killer, and who was fired for conduct unbecoming an officer when he punched out the guy who lied about the white van, would’ve tracked the real killer down while all other officers were watching the payphone; a ruse by the sniper to keep them busy. The Veteran, yet still attractive, Officer would then catch John Allen Williams at the real crime scene driving off the Caprice full of diamonds, with John Malvo cackling psychotically and screaming out the window “try and catch us you bozo, aheeheeheeheehahaha!!! You’ll never catch us, we’re God! GOD! GOOOOOODDDDDD!”

A chase would’ve then ensued down an old country road, ending up on an old abandoned covered bridge.

And in the tense last moments, the Veteran, yet still attractive, Officer would’ve had his gun on John Allen Williams, but the other cops would’ve had their guns on the Officer, pleading to him “don’t do it Terry, it’s not worth it.” and “If you kill him, he wins.” and “Terry, don’t do it, you’re a cop.” To which Terry would’ve responded “Not today I’m not…” and BLAM!

The Veteran, yet still attractive, Officer would’ve then been led off by an EMT with a blanket around his shoulders to face an uncertain future.

If reality were more like the movies, that is.

Oh, and John Williams would never have converted to Islam or changed his name to Muhammad.

If reality were more like the movies, that is.

Is It Just Me?…

Or are the pictures of me as a little kid starting to look like REALLY OLD pictures of me as a little kid?

The Name Game

I forget a lot of people’s names. And they never seem impressed that I remembered THEM. Which is more important in the long run? I mean there’s several Billion people, and only a couple hundred thousand names.

So I avoid using people’s names as much as possible EVEN IF I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEIR NAME IS…because there’s a slight chance I might be wrong, and then I’ll never live it down. I’ve avoided people on the street so that I don’t get caught not knowing their names, even if I’m positive of what their name is. I’ve avoided perfectly good conversational opportunities, crossed the street even, so that I don’t get caught not knowing the name of someone who’s name I know.

The reason is, people are obsessed with you forgetting their names, they get so offended, it’s like their life revolves around the next chance to bitch about someone forgetting their name. They can’t wait.

Even if I’m close, people bitch. “Hey Darren” “IT’S DARREL!!” Well pardon the fuck out of me for getting that one consonant wrong. And then there’s the people who get irate when you mispronounce their name. “It’s Tara (TAR-uh) not Tara (Tear-uh)” Do you realize they’re spelled the same, you loser? Add an umlaut to your birth certificate if it offends you so. And you know, even if I’m not that close, even if I just get two key pronunciation letters correct, you should correct me, of course, but don’t get all pissed. If your name is Brad and I say “Brian”. Hey, I got the “Br” part right. I didn’t forget you completely, I’ll try and get it right next time, can we possibly be friends?

Now I have often gotten names COMPLETELY wrong while suffering under a delusion of false confidence and daring to talk to a person. That’s a fuckup. There’s no reason I should think “Rodger” is named “Talousse” they’re not even close. But…if I’ve only met you once…briefly…a while back…then calm down on your huffing and puffing. It’s not like you saved me from an icy river last week and then I forgot your name. We had a shouted conversation while the band was playing really loud and then I never saw you for two years Talousse…I mean Rodger.

And then one thing people never think of while they’re getting huffy about me getting a consonant, or the pronounciation, or the first part, or the second part, or the whole name wrong, is that I might have forgotten your name because…well…there’s really good chance that you’re simply not memorable.

Wear a funnier tie next time…Bill…or was it Jimenez?

I understand that everyone has every right to get mad about something that’s very personal to them. It’s their name. But…do you know how many people in the world are named the same thing as you? You’re unique, you’re name’s not even close. Sorry if I know a lot of people named John. And if you’ve got some fucked up name, all the more reason to forget it. Common name - easy to forget, weird name - easy to forget.

You know what’s easy to remember? If your mannerisms are similar to a good friend of mine’s mannerisms who also has the same name as you. Then I’m going to be spot on. Example: Andy Wahlstrom, reminds me a lot of my old friend Andy Hoyt, even looks like him. And I’ve never forgotten his name.

You know what song I could do without the entire existence of?

That’s Amore by whoever the fuck wrote That’s Amore.