The Unknown Blogger Strikes Again!

I was wondering what happened to the Unknown Blogger, and now I know. As I was cleaning up the harddrive on my computer I came across a document I didn't recognize. It was an Unknown Blogger post, one I didn't recognize that I had evidently gotten and never posted, his best one yet! It was dated close to when I quit my job, so I think it just got lost in a mental shuffle. Evidently "Jack" saw that I didn't post it and said "fuck this guy." Hey Jack! Don't hate me, here it is, and it's my favorite one so far.

Sports is a Microcosm of the Universe

I've caught World Cup Fever. I admit it. No matter how thoroughly I scrubbed my hands and used the paper towel to open the bathroom door I caught World Cup Fever.

It's actually a fun event to watch. I'm not much of a sports fan to begin with (and any sport that allows a tie is just plain misguided), but it's been a good ride so far. All of the rivalries are lost on me though. "Trinidad & Tobago vs. Uganda"? That's going to be a great contest to see which team can get more people in the world to not give a shit about them!

But let's face it, every sport is stupid as hell at its fundamental level. Baseball is a contest to try to hit a ball with a stick and run around four bases before being touched by the ball. The team that can do that the most wins. Basketball is a sport where the fans try to figure out if Eva Longoria dates the players because she loves them or if she just loves big, black cock. And on and on.

Some sports really are more stupid than others though. In NASCAR, half-wits drive around really fast making left-turns all day long while no-wits show up in droves hoping to see them die. I kid actually because the truth is NASCAR fans really aren't all that different from the fans of every other sport. There's just a more concentrated amount of them. At their heart, every sport needs one particular demographic in order to keep it alive and keep the dollars flowing in -- White Trash.

White Trash is to sports what White Trash is to Motley Crue: really fucking important. They drink all the beer. They buy all the jerseys. They dip all the Skoal. White Trash may be a punchline for, well, everybody except themselves, but without these Ted Nugent-lovin', WWE Wrestling goin', Orel Roberts watchin', champion pig-raisin', CB squelch-adjustin' citizens, our economy would surely collapse. When was the last time you bought a Twinkie? When have you EVER used Crisco, bought a Garth Brooks CD, subscribed to TV Guide or mailed in that Ed McMahon thing?

What's great about watching World Cup soccer is not seeing the actual playing, but rather seeing the comforting image of a multi-cultural, multi-ethnic sea of White Trash. From the Brazilians with their yellow and green clown afros to the Nigerians with their face-painting, it pleases me to know that the U.S. has no monopoly on White Trash. In fact, if you multiply it out, there are probably so many non-white White Trash people in the world that we should just change the name to All-Color Trash.

Every culture has their version of them. We may think of the Japanese as a quiet and reverent people, but one look at their game shows and we know different. Okay, maybe not every country is stupid enough to elect someone President who looks like an emcee at a county fair (our bad), but at least tuning into the World Cup the world can see that the equivalent of cheese hats respects no borders.

Let's extrapolate a bit more. There is no life on earth that doesn't have DNA as its building block, therefore most scientists conclude that any life forms we encounter will likely have DNA too. There is no culture on earth that doesn't have a history of myth and religion, so anthropologists suggest that it's likely every culture in the universe will have their forms of myth and religion. Let me be the first to say, I think every culture in the universe has their form of White Trash.

We always depict space aliens as being intellectually superior to us and maybe they all are. But I'm sure they're not all intellectually equal. For every E.T. that turns a Speak-and-Spell into an interstellar homing beacon, there's his cousin that tries to turn the Speak-and-Spell into a machine that can suck off one of his three cocks. Sure they have scientists that figured out how to build a faster than light speed craft, but most of their inventors probably make the alien equivalent of a hat that holds two beers that they can ingest "mentally".

So, when you're watching the new Superman movie (everybody's favorite space alien) just remember that while Superman may be a stand-up guy who's really smart and tries to help everyone, the majority of Krypton was probably killed on their planet trying to figure out how close to $1.00 the big wheel would land on Price is Right while their spaceship was on their front lawn up on blocks.

-=-Jack-=-



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